So BB-noughts it's Mohamed or Sylvia for the baptism by fire on Friday night. Trust me Ive been to a live eviction, its like a public stoning! It reminds me of the scene from Life of Brian.
The baying mobs all clumped together, rocks and bags of gravel at the ready! All we need is Davina dressed up like John Cleese and we would be set.
I can just see it now, the newly svelte Davina ( I hope she hasn't succumbed to the cucumber diet all the celebs are on! This involves eating an inch of cucumber every 72 days) Anyway, back to my rather redundant point...Davina saying in her hushed tones " Big Brother house, this is Davina...please do not...OK who threw that?? I said who threw that?"
For those of you now asking yourself what the blazes I'm talking about. Some of the crowd from the scene in Life Of Brian, couldn't hold back their excitement and stoned the victim before the whistle blew!!
How I wish BB was funny like Monty Python. I have not laughed once. Not even the sight of people sitting in a giant ashtray has parted so much as a chuckle from my beleaguered soul.
I knew a woman once who slept in a coffin, she said she wasn't a vampire slayer, just it was more snug and she slept better!! Apparently Truelove and Sons were selling coffins at a car-boot in Chorley and it was cheaper than an Ikea bed, so she bought it and has never looked back!
What does this have to do with BB I hear you wail. Nothing I retort, but bugger all goes on in that house so I have to tell you tidbits from my meandering mind. It was the ashtray that reminded me of that for some reason.
I am feeling distinctly soporific in regards to BB at present. It all about Stuart's eyelashes and narcissism, and the two love birds. Who smells a Saskia/Maxwell liaison forming? God there's nothing worse than watching too desperate sycophants puckering up for the sake of a tepid little interview with Heat Magazine dressed in white linen straddling a chaise lounge.
I would rather eat the testicles off a corpse than watch that. Talking of testicles, I have promised my straight male readers lots of lesbian sex tips and threesome advice. I have consulted my FaceBook porn star Friend and we will be doing BB sex tips for men in the next blog. She couldn't do it this week as she is currently starring in Seymour Butt's new film " Oklaboner"
I do need to talk about Kathreya aka Jeanette Krankie (Google anon) I cant make head nor tails of that woman. She wont be able to be in Darnell's Video cos shes "piggy pig pig"
The woman seems actually okay, but her speech forms are somewhat bizarre. I know shes from Thailand, as long as we don't have to see her legs a-kimbo chucking a ping pong ball out of her fangita to a target strapped to Mario's head then I think we can tolerate her eccentricity.
Kathreya at the Thailand School fete on the tombola stand.
At least shes a Buddhist, that will help with the desperate karma that BB contestants bring into Elstree under the guise of "just there to win the money", and not trying to elongate into a career in the media.
Shakespeare has had the last few days off due to a nasty incident with Marlowe. Marlowe was haunting a rather cosy little B @ B in Kent and stepped on the Bards toes a little. The Bard stormed out in a cosmic diva style tantrum and has gone to cool off. He will be back in the next blog with news about Dale!! And it is big!! Think Lycra, poppers and soft furnishings, and that's all I'm saying!
I know a cosmic diva who is suffering from a nasty case of anal orbs!! GET WELL SOON
TTFN
BBBL
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