Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Cookie and Greedy out-Ginger quiff still in

LAST FEW DAYS OF BB.

There is nothing more exciting than a shock double eviction. Well actually there is, perhaps an evening with Nana Mouskouri, or talking to the pastor of the united reform church about the substandard quality of church candles, but I could barely hold back my excitement when Davina spoke to the house. And yes anon, I say this tongue in cheek!

First out was Greedy Mo, and to be honest, its about bloody time. Shock waves reverberated around the BB house as his name was announced. Kat was crying hysterically. You would have thought she was being disemboweled by Sweeney Todd the way she was going on...brutally and savagely having her legs cut off by Ed Gein with a rusty B@Q chainsaw ( Google anon)

Personally I don't get that, I mean that's the nature of the show isn't it. You get booted...then you have a week in the limelight, and then you are ridiculed for the rest of your natural life. That's the way it goes....we all know this, why don't thy? So the second person out was Cookie Monster Kat. She looked stunned, and frankly I don't thinks she knew what was going on. Not the sharpest knife in the Ikea drawer.

In all honesty, I think they should provide counselors. Not for the housemates but for us the poor viewer. I have Post traumatic stress syndrome. I have also developed a nasty nervous tick and a penchant for swearing obscenities to old age pensioners in Sainsbury's car parks. I believe it is all BB related.

So the Oracle of Delphi and the crystal ball predict that Mikey will win BB, with Darnell second and Rex third. After they all leave the house I think dyno-Rod will need to go and deep clean in there. Its a filth pit.

I must tell you about my weekend with a Lion Tamer called Ingrid. We decided to meet at the London Eye, and then went for a leisurely stroll along Southbank. Given her circus folk appearance, she was wearing a loin cloth it must be said, we were mugged by an errant band of rouge faction Midgets from the "Midgets for Britain Society"

I was fending them off with nothing but a Cornetto and half an eaten chicken wrap, and she was trying to tame them with her whip that she carries for emergencies.

Anyway after that debacle, I did start to think this date was not going to go well. I had a surprise for her at Vinopolis, what I didn't know was she was allergic to grapes, and went into Anaphylactic shock the moment we stepped through the door.

To make matters worse the manager of Vinopolis had lost his mother to a brutal lion attack in the 70's and was harbouring deep rage towards the lion tamer of that zoo.

He wouldn't call an ambulance as he wanted to see her suffer, my mobile was dead so I couldn't call. I ran out into the street to make the call from a kind Samaritan's mobile phone, and I got run over by a pedalo.

I am NEVER dating again!

I want Rachael to win and hope that she comes in the top three, but I doubt it. After my success with my poem Endemol stole my soul, I have done an Ode to the housemates and especially to Rex. Called Rex, you're an arsehole.

Rex, you're an arsehole

This cannot be denied

I'm sure it was a ginger pube

and not blonde, did you lie?

Sarah you need a lobotomy

you're voice just grates on me

Angelina Jolie lookalike?

That I fail to see.

Mikey you're a pikey

I know you cannot see

You will win Big Brother

which is A-OK with me

Darnell plays the victim

Tries to be all hip

Would you like some vinegar

with that shoulder chip?

Rachael you are misunderstood

they call you dull and sucky

I think that you are fairly sweet

come to mine for a little..............brekky.

BBBL