Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The French Connection

Another nomination call rolls around, and Mr X has returned from South East London with news of Interpol chasing the rapper formerly known as 43pence.
Mr X spent a rather nasty afternoon at CATFISH BOB’S GYM in an undisclosed location sniffing the jockstraps of boxers to get the scoop for us.

43pence has been missing for 20 days, and rumours abound in every pie ‘n’ mash shop in the area, that the rapper has donned women’s clothes, and entered the Big Brother House.
They can do wonders with make up these days, I mean look at Vanessa Feltz, but I could not quite place it. In a moment of inspiration, and help from Madame Pravee, I managed to get a picture of Charley and with help of Photoshop, and a very cute soft butch woman called Mandy (aren’t they all), we took Charley’s hair off. Well, I know we all have doppelgangers, but this was almost symbiotic. Charley is 43pence. First, benefit fraud, now impersonating an IT girl. The woman needs a prison cell.

Talking of money, all eyes have been on Davina tonight, mine especially, as I had a dream about her and me, a tub of onken mousse and a Thornton’s chocolate fountain but I digress. The £100,000 was up for grabs tonight and after minimal discussion, Liam the Tree surgeon scooped the lot. Charley has already been sniffing around like a bloodhound on heat. Not bad for a nights work Liam, think of all the trees you can help with Dutch elm disease.

Nominations are always an emotive subject, this week is no different. Carole, once again, has been sent to the lions of Elstree, along with Seany and Jonathon. I will continue to stand by Carole, not only because of her Bisexual standing and large flopping breasts, but because she is clean. No one can get a toilet sparkling like our Carole, not even the skinny Mr muscle man. Keep the women in, I am imploring you!

Seany, I hope, is getting his eviction outfit ready. It is bound to consist of a sweatband, 12-inch record on a chain, topped off by a tight fitting technicoloured dream coat. I hope every door will be closed to him, so we will not have to see his florid face again.

Jonathan who looks scarily like Dr Spock, will I expect, exact some Vulcan death grip on another housemate if he is evicted. Maybe he will try to fry Nikki’s brain by telepathic force, and convince her that she does find him attractive. Live long and prosper Jonathon, just not on our TV screens.

In true French Anglo relations, BB decided to do the swim the channel task. I wanted to see them all lathered up in goose fat, but BB decided to go for the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang style instead. Chanelle, due to minus million degree cold, could not manage more than 14 lengths of the pool. Ah bless, must be hard swimming in Nicole Ritchie’s sunglasses. The other housemates have remained under the radar, but Mr X is about to break open Pandora’s box. Is Pandora a new housemate you ask?

I have it on top authority, even Blair does not know this, that Tracey will be “aveing it” in her own “phat”tent in the BB mock up of the Glastonbury festival, taking place in the BB garden. Special measures have been assigned to guarantee authenticity. Ecoli will be syringed into the food, and a drug dealer called Percy, will be loitering about near the smoking area, like the tambourine man, with a cacophony of illicit pharmaceuticals. The twins will be centre stage, doing the “Macarena” and Ziggy will of course be singing his classic Summer Holiday. Sue Barker, who is cryogenically frozen every year until Wimbledon starts, will be joining Ziggy in a feeble attempt to make him look straight.

Madame Pravee was asked to go on Sixth sense with Colin Fry this week, but as a loyal fan, decided a session with Shakespeare would be more beneficial, and also confessed to a dislike of men that looked like Roland Rat. Hee Hee rats fans…

Shakespeare decided on a tragic spiritual siphoning this time. He is also sporting a new haircut, and has taken a liking to the clothes of Pierre Cardin. These other realm beings can be very shallow. Forget the image of harps and angels on clouds. This season in heaven, it is all about tailored suits and tickets to Wimbledon. Maybe the spirit of Arthur Ashe can come back and give Mauresmo a bit of a help with her inconsistent form.

Thanks William for our new Channel. Enjoy your shopping at Brent Cross this weekend.

“A glooming peace this evening with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head: Go hence, to have more talk of these food things; Some shall be pardon'd with £100,000 and some punished. For never was a story of more woe.Than this of Carole, Seany and the Gigolo.”