Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Faking it with Balls of Steel.

I have spent the last two days crammed in a tent with Mr X, on the outskirts of Borhamwood. Mr X’s flatulence has been prolific, and I feel I might have succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning.

Our combat fatigue tent was nestled between two trees, the only thing that could have given us away, was the fact that Mr X likes to hang out his used tea bags to dry. He says they can be double dipped. (Although they do not provide a decent second cuppa.)

I hadn’t realised he was so tight until having to lie next to him for two nights, hoping the crabs wouldn’t jump ship and move into my sleeping bag. I do admit to sneaking out late one night, and piercing those little tea bags with my Swiss army knife. We had Australian delicacies provided by Endemol, like pickled Koala scrotum pate and Kangaroo uterus, which strangely, tasted just like tofu! Mr X does like to try new things.

We were watching the entire goings on at BB from the grassy knoll with the new housemate “Pauline Pooh”. In BB’s fake week she will have to convince the housemates, she is actually a BB contestant from Oz, and has been swapped for a few days. Unfortunately, it looks like Ziggy has already smelt a rat! (If he weren’t a smoker, his sense of smell, would definitely be better.)

When Carole’s large dangling breasts posed questions about Australia, poor old Pooh did not know what to say! Admittedly, neither would I if I were faced by Barnes Wallis' bouncing bombs. I fear I would collapse from the shock of seeing the beasts up close and personal.

I hope Pauline will get a good innings. Ziggy already thinks he has met her before. Pauline (actress Thalia Zucchi from Balls of Steel fame) used to be a groupie for Northern Line and is a BB stooge, sent in to rattle the hornets nest.

Mr X and I did toast our Laura farewell from our canvas abode. I thought I got a sniff in the wind of her leopard print housecoat, but it wasn’t, a ferret had crawled under a nearby bush and died. Madame Du Pravee paid us a visit, and we did a channelling session by gaslight. It was all very Blair Witch. I had my beanie hat on and obligatory hanging bogey from my right nostril and Mr X ,dressed in his flannel lumberjack shirt, ran around the forest screaming. I found out later the screams were not from fear of seeing the Borehamwood Witch, but rather a flare up of his crab situation.

Madame Du Pravee gave me a warning, she told me I would be involved in a controversy but did not want to elaborate. Mama Cass who had by chance spirited in to the wrong channelling session had given this information. Mama was meant to go to Gayle Porter, who was sulking around her London flat where she died from a ham sandwich overdose, but ended up in Madame Du Pravee’s mind instead. Mama Cass also told Madame that due to staff shortages “up there” all extra sensory communication would stop on Friday 13th, as they are on strike over pay and dental/health benefits.

She also told us of a blossoming relationship between Ziggy and Carole. After the Carole Lap Dance, which I found somewhat disturbing, Mama Cass told us a flood of bets were being placed on Heaven’s Power for a Ziggy/Carole house romance. I cannot tell you who will win BB, as I do not want to spoil the surprise. Suffice it to say " am I bothered".

I have a meeting this week with the infamous “Ed the Lead” who is a BB informant with The Scum Daily newspaper, he has a dossier on Gerry that would shock the habit of a nun.

Keep tuned for all the gossip BBBL