Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The blind lead the blind:

So, what a weekend it has been in the BB house of horrors. Dennis of course got "removed" from the house for spitting at fellow housemate Mohamed. At this rate there will be no-one left in there. Dennis launched the now infamous "grotch-gate" and was questioned by Police for his actions.

I thought the police had too much to do in trying to cap a spiralling crime rate, the use of weapons on the streets in the hands of children, but I guess someone spitting in someones face is regarded as a good use of police time these days.

It reminds me of another scene from Life of Brian. A prisoner is hang up in his cell, when Brian is thrown in. The guard who has a stutter spits in Brian's face. The hanging prisoner yells " You lucky bastard, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face!"

Had I been Mohamed I might have used that line....its has far more comedic value than a grilling by the Borehamwood constabulary.

I am not condoning spitting in someones face...Its nasty. A good Friend of mine, who used to raise ferrets for a living, outside of Cheadle had a nasty experience with a llama that involved her ice cream and the llama letting loose a ton of llama spittle. It is lasered in my memory for ever and a day!

All these people being removed might be a blessing in disguise if I'm honest! The tedium keeps piling on night after night. To quote Franz Kafka (Google anon) " By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."

I am still passionately, fervently believing that this years BB will actually provide a little highlight, a nugget of inspiration that will evoke a nation to greatness!

Yes I know, the only inspiration in there is seeing how many times Stuart can look at himself in the mirrors on a daily basis. The last count, in one day was 1,467. Has that man got no shame in his narcotic personality? I am warming, okay wrong word, becoming tepidly amused by Kathreya, she at least has a bit of eccentricity.

I like a mad dogs and an Englishman, its what our country was built upon. George Mallory ( mountaineer, Google anon) was at high camp on Everest back in 1924, with no oxygen, even today seen a feat that defies logic. He would read to Shakespeare to his fellow tent mates at an exhilarating 27 thousand feet...the same height as a jumbo jet cruising altitude.

I would be worrying about dropping into a bloody coma, not reading Hamlet by a gas lamp. I can see it now his frostbitten little fingers deftly clasped around an edition of Macbeth. Its all so dreamy and eloquent isn't it.

What do we have now, BB and Mario scratching his back passage, and Darnell doing a rap on cookies. I despair at our lot in life now, its all so bleak and uninspired.

Back to the BB drudgery. They were given a task in sympathy with Michael, that they had to wear black goggles to know what it was like to be blind!

Weird I think, why couldn't they have shipped in Victoria Beckham so they would all have know what it was like to not possess a brain. The human toast rack!! Michael was overlooking proceeding, if you excuse the pun, and it had about as much impact as a life jacket on the Titanic. Stuart was the most perturbed, because he couldn't see himself for 5 hours. They have sent in a counsellor to help him through his trauma.

My spirit guide "Sam" who I share with Derek Acorah, has told me that Dale was spotted at the Chariots Spa in Streatham wearing a cock ring and escorted by a large hairy man called Simon, who was wearing leather open arsed chaps. According to Sam, Dale was seen through the steamy window in a role play session that involved a vicar, a monk and a Native American. It's all gone YMCA hasn't it?

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who Goes..Mohamed or Sylvia? WHO CARES!

So BB-noughts it's Mohamed or Sylvia for the baptism by fire on Friday night. Trust me Ive been to a live eviction, its like a public stoning! It reminds me of the scene from Life of Brian.

The baying mobs all clumped together, rocks and bags of gravel at the ready! All we need is Davina dressed up like John Cleese and we would be set.

I can just see it now, the newly svelte Davina ( I hope she hasn't succumbed to the cucumber diet all the celebs are on! This involves eating an inch of cucumber every 72 days) Anyway, back to my rather redundant point...Davina saying in her hushed tones " Big Brother house, this is Davina...please do not...OK who threw that?? I said who threw that?"

For those of you now asking yourself what the blazes I'm talking about. Some of the crowd from the scene in Life Of Brian, couldn't hold back their excitement and stoned the victim before the whistle blew!!

How I wish BB was funny like Monty Python. I have not laughed once. Not even the sight of people sitting in a giant ashtray has parted so much as a chuckle from my beleaguered soul.

I knew a woman once who slept in a coffin, she said she wasn't a vampire slayer, just it was more snug and she slept better!! Apparently Truelove and Sons were selling coffins at a car-boot in Chorley and it was cheaper than an Ikea bed, so she bought it and has never looked back!

What does this have to do with BB I hear you wail. Nothing I retort, but bugger all goes on in that house so I have to tell you tidbits from my meandering mind. It was the ashtray that reminded me of that for some reason.

I am feeling distinctly soporific in regards to BB at present. It all about Stuart's eyelashes and narcissism, and the two love birds. Who smells a Saskia/Maxwell liaison forming? God there's nothing worse than watching too desperate sycophants puckering up for the sake of a tepid little interview with Heat Magazine dressed in white linen straddling a chaise lounge.

I would rather eat the testicles off a corpse than watch that. Talking of testicles, I have promised my straight male readers lots of lesbian sex tips and threesome advice. I have consulted my FaceBook porn star Friend and we will be doing BB sex tips for men in the next blog. She couldn't do it this week as she is currently starring in Seymour Butt's new film " Oklaboner"

I do need to talk about Kathreya aka Jeanette Krankie (Google anon) I cant make head nor tails of that woman. She wont be able to be in Darnell's Video cos shes "piggy pig pig"

The woman seems actually okay, but her speech forms are somewhat bizarre. I know shes from Thailand, as long as we don't have to see her legs a-kimbo chucking a ping pong ball out of her fangita to a target strapped to Mario's head then I think we can tolerate her eccentricity.

Kathreya at the Thailand School fete on the tombola stand.

At least shes a Buddhist, that will help with the desperate karma that BB contestants bring into Elstree under the guise of "just there to win the money", and not trying to elongate into a career in the media.

Shakespeare has had the last few days off due to a nasty incident with Marlowe. Marlowe was haunting a rather cosy little B @ B in Kent and stepped on the Bards toes a little. The Bard stormed out in a cosmic diva style tantrum and has gone to cool off. He will be back in the next blog with news about Dale!! And it is big!! Think Lycra, poppers and soft furnishings, and that's all I'm saying!

I know a cosmic diva who is suffering from a nasty case of anal orbs!! GET WELL SOON

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Send in the clowns.

NEWSFLASH: Mario scratching his nads. Gosh the excitment is too much to bear!

Stuart entered the house to a lukewarm reception at best. Stuart is a property developer from Manchester. WE all know what that means....He painted his friends living room back in 2003, so that counts on the resume.

Stuart obviously has Oedipus complex, and whats with the neck scarves? It all seems a bit Kenneth Williams to me. All BB need to do now is throw in Hattie Jacques in a nurses uniform and we will be set for Carry On Boring us half to death.

Incidentally, as a scientific experiment before BB started I had an I.Q test, and I gave in my Mensa card to the president, a woman called Hillary who lives in Guildford. Hillary has an I.Q of 240, and breeds long haired Afghan rabbits.

Anyway I digress slightly. My I.Q was retested 17 days into BB and it appears I now have the I.Q of a courgette. I blame Luke....his conspiracy theories are all too much for me. I like a good old conspiracy. Roswell, Area 51, Cliff Richard is a android, I can get down with that. But Luke's are too far fetched. He thinks if he talks like a Coronation Street character, he will win BB by default!

I need to vent my spleen about Lisa and Mario. Lisa I can deal with. She met Mario from eBay, she bought a crystal ball from him. She should have known, if she can gaze into the ethereal membrane and see into the future, surely she should have been able to spot that he was a prize knob!

Anyway, back to more pleasant musings. I spontaneously fell into a trance yesterday, and the bard came in. I was surprised to find that he was a little low of spirit. Philip Marlowe had been taunting him again, and if it hadn't been for Plato stepping in a brawl might have ensued. Bard told me that the other side are equally bored of BB, and they are planning on sending in a poltergeist to step things up a bit.

Now, that would be fun. BB the Exorcist....I can see it now, Rachel possessed by a demon in the luxury bedroom...if she could turn her head 360 degrees, I would indeed enjoy BB more. Rex could be the exorcist..."Be gone demon, Be gone". Rachel, who at this point is strapped to her bed, covered in snot and screaming " you're mother sucks kebabs in hell"....I will ask the bard to send in the poltergeist ASAP, it would be far more exciting.

My "date" with Nigella Lawson was an unmitigated disaster I sadly report. All was going swimmingly. We had got past the awkward silence part, and were moving smoothly into the " Are going to shag like Afghan Rabbits stage?" and then the subject of meringues came up. Nigella and I would never work. She likes to blast her meringues in a hot oven, whereas I like my cooked on a low heat for several hours. If you're incompatible, you're incompatible!!!

Anyway my BB lovers/haters. I will report from any ghostly sightings I see in the house. lets hope the Bard and Co send in a particularly virulent poltergeist with a grudge against reality TV

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Big Brother's Big Bore!

Here we are again. A week into the BB social experiment, and I am finding my I.Q distressingly disabled.

I was agog ( Google anon) at the task, that involved licking crisps. I mean we've all been at the crisp licking stage in our lives. I recall a crisp licking moment in 1989 that involved a woman called Shirley and a four pack of strongbow cider..Its best left unsaid, as so many things are in my life.

So BB fans ( if there are any out there still) the same old homogenized types are in the house. The obligatory big mouth, the IT girl, the poor man's Rambo, and the others that are all too non-descript to warrant any discussion at all.

I will be refraining from using their names until someone steps up the the plate and says anything remotely witty or intelligent.

And where, oh where, are the lesbians this year? Why is the house always so devoid of A) Lesbians. B) Eye Candy. C) Anyone with anything interesting to say at all. I despair at the level of morose,moronic Muppet's in the house this year.

I was hoping, in my dotage, that BB would finally put in someone that would know what the word onomatopoeia means. I do like the man that is restricted of sight....must be a bonus for him, not being able to see in there!!

On a positive note, and I'm digging into the depth's of my soul here. I have been channelling the bard himself, that's Mr Shakespeare to all you non-thespians. The Bard assures me that the summer will start to liven up, and "thy hand will drip with the words of the excited fool".

He explained that BB is just a modern day version of a midsummer nights dream, and that wily puck will bring it all together. I did try to resist his obvious madness of being trapped in the ethereal layer for too many years, but he was highly insistent that this will be the Summer of our content.

I'm sure there will be times of great inspiration in the coming weeks. Crisp licking is just a taster of the fevered possibilities for us, the mere meek viewer. What next I ask the bard? Tortilla licking? Satsuma orifice plunging? Vimto Henna tattoos?

All will be revealed I'm sure in the coming weeks. I will leave you with an inspirational prediction from the Bard, for the weary of heart over BB.

" Thine eyes will be witness to a tempest rage, upon the ground of Elstree. Five men will seek the title, yet one women will seize the prize. The other, the pestilent goat ninny, will be evicted with thunderous roars, from the furious mob"

Cliff notes to this means: Its all going to kick off, the blokes will be smarmy and try to win, but a women will win this year, and some prat will be evicted to the biggest booing session in BB history. Hmmmmmm, anyone smelling a deja vu here?

Ta Ta for now....next blog a riveting interview with Nigella Lawson, who gets her kit off whilst making an incredible lamb kofta dish.

BBBL