Big Brother's Big Lesbian: And the oscar goes too..Sarah

Nicole gets booted out with the largest percentage in BB history at a whopping 94%. I could hear the booing from Devon, it was all very dramatic and disturbing, although there was a part of me that secretly relished in her misfortune. I know, I know I am a bad person, and should be tied to a train track with flimsy rope, dressed in a stetson, with only minutes to save my skin. Its OK if I am tied to a British Rail track, the train will be late, giving me at least a half hour window of opportunity to escape my dastardly punishment.

I can see it now, all the commuters at Crawley being told there is a cowboy clad lesbian on the tracks....sorry for the delay!! Would I be easier to remove than leaves, or snow? Enquiring minds want to know! Ohh that rhymes. I feel inspired to write a poem about BB. Called The Shithouse Saga part 1....alienation.

Back to Big Bore, and with Nicole gone, its nice not to have to listen to that perpetual bickering all the time. And Ginger quiff seems to have the right old cob on at present. I would too, if my life was about to hit the skids at a great rate on knots. Poor old Rexxy boy, doesn't realise the fate that awaits him. I can see it now, chefs from all around the country, gagging for his eviction. They will be lined up with there meat cleavers and bunches of Herbs De Provence shouting Viva La France before unleashing vats of burre-blanc!

Mario, remember him? Lisa's muscle bound boyfriend entered the house and proposed through the perspex window, it was all very Mime in my opinion. I have a phobic fear of Mime acts, and the kissing of lips with each other against the glass was enough to spiral me into a panic attack. I found myself breathing heavily into a brown paper bag and cursing Marcel Marceau!

I would concur that it would be quite tiring living with a Mime artist, you cook dinner say, and call out "It's Ready dear" and they cant get to the dinner table because they are stuck in the imaginary box and cant find the door handle. I dated a circus performer once, her name was Rainbow Song. It only lasted for a week, as she smelt of Elephants, and had a penchant for acrobatic sex. I have a fear of heights so we were hideously mix matched. Whenever I see an elephant I think of her wistfully.

I am not going to mention the Mo bogey-gate scandal, it was too nauseating-so will leave that unsaid, all I will say is this. It involved a can of cider and a blind mans mammoth bogey. Ive never seen one so big. Suffice it to say, my favourite Lime curd will never pass my lips again. Thanks Greedy Mo!

Big brother decided to be nice to the housemates and provided them with presents. Lisa got a husband, Kat got some biscuits and Darnell moaned. I will never buy Darnell a Christmas presents if that's his attitude. Bloody ingrate. Mikey hoped that BB's present to him would be getting his sight back. Surely even BB couldn't rustle up Jesus from the holy mount, wrap him up and ask him to perform a miracle!! I think Mikey has coped the best out of all of them hes favourite to win, and anyone that can call Rex an arsehole to his face deserves the £100,000.

Sarah gets called for her present and it was like watching Gwyneth Paltrow's acceptance speech. Meryl Streep couldn't have squeezed out more tears than Sarah. I am not a violent person, but I throw a cushion at the television in pure frustration.

My dear dear friend, who I can't name, because shes famous believes that BB is social pornography for the hedonistic amongst us, and flatly refuses any part in BB porn watching.

Although when I ask her, she has a surprising amount of knowledge about the programme. I reckon shes a closet BB whore, who sneaks into the living room at night to watch them sleep on E4!!!

For any of you that have been to Switzerland, they have a saying if you see a hot woman, or man......Its called " A Panty". This Swiss friend said she did "A Panty" the other day. In probing her on this strange saying, she explained that she needs new panties when seeing someone hot, as "liquid" comes out on setting ones eyes on the hot subject in question.

I suggest strongly she join a support group for knicker sniffers, but she poo-poohed the idea, if you excuse the pun.

HRH the Queen reads my blog and sent me this lovely note. Which I will write out verbatim for you all.

" My Dearest BBBL, One must congratulate you on a thought provoking social commentary on this British Institution of Big Brother. I was agog to see that Nicole remotely suggested she was of Higher class standing. I have put words out in the fox hunting brigade, and she will be pelted with corgi shit, should she ever sully the walls of Balmoral... Oh P.S...Racheal to win"

How nice it was to receive that commendation from her majesty. I would rather have had an OBE, or tax break, but there you go.....

Last two weeks left of this hell, and I can go and back my I.Q back. I will leave you with my Ode to BB called "Endemol stole my soul"

ENDEMOL STOLE MY SOUL

You whore channel 4
degrading my soul
with ferocity and scathing
I am scathing and slaving
using crazy paving to hide this torment
blaming and shaming
my soul was mine
you stole it
a seasonal summer theft
I am bereft
that I have left
my soul to rot
with your snot
of TV scum
I've hurt my bum
I want my mum!


TTFN

BBBL