Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The Half-Wit house of horrors.

NEWSFLASH: Chanelle has left the BB house. Will it be for good this time?

Well, you go away for a few days R&R, and come back to all hell breaking loose in the BB house.

Mr X and I enjoyed our crop circle extravaganza in Wiltshire. Rumour had it that a new crop formation appeared on Friday morning, we rushed there to see it, and found the crop lay extraordinary, it was at least 200 foot in diameter, but without GPS we couldn’t ascertain what it looked like, so we waited for the aerial photographs to come in.
I was thunderstruck by the image when I saw it. It was a circular formation with three words on the inside “Get Charley Out”. Seems as though even our alien cousins wanted to see the back of her! I wonder how much a text to evict would be from another planet.

Therefore, with Charley gone, and Chanelle almost gone, but awaiting psychological profiling, it has been a right old carry on! I am almost expecting to see Hattie Jacques enter the house dressed in a matron’s uniform, closely followed by Sid James!

Madame Du Pravee called me whilst I was in a beautiful crop formation near West Kennet Long barrow to tell me that Hattie Jacques and Sid James had come through to her requesting the film rights to Carry on up the BB house. It is still in negotiation stage. Seems, as though the spirit world cannot decide on who will play the part that Barbara Windsor usually plays, it is a toss up between Amanda and Gerry.

So Charley was booted, probably signed up by an agent on the way to her interview with Davina, we will have to endure her on everything now! I have the pleasure of being in the BBBM studio on Tuesday with her there…I heard her eviction by sheer coincidence. The lesbian trio next to my tent had bought a portable TV, and in between, their chanting of “get Charley out”, and coughing fits from the Rothmans cigarettes they were smoking three at a time it was almost audible!

I am sure HEAT and OKAY magazines will run a story on her every five minutes. Charley’s book “Autobiography of a Narcissist” will be in shops for the launch of the BB8 housemate road show. This will highlight the talents of the BB housemates. Carol will be signed up as the new face of Persil, and will wash her underpants for the tour until the are gleaming. Look no stains. Poor old Carole reduced to a human cleaning machine! Carole's boobs have made it into the Barnes Wallis Hall of Fame thanks to this blog. Carole's boobies, I salute you both!

Now, what will replace Charley? Well the half-wit house is full to brimming with more of the country’s elite. Jonty, who is clearly not the full box of chocolates, not even the first layer, the glamour model called Amy (is that even worthy of being called a vocation?) should be called Aimless and sent back to the nearest pole dancing club in Croydon.

Then we have the self-confessed pagan called David, who being Pagan myself, am slightly concerned about his credentials! I did however, love his kilt and boots, but was perturbed by the David Bowie/Clockwork Orange eye makeup. Shanessa the blonde, and I use that term in its loosest form possible, entered the house wearing what looked like a swimsuit! I am not apposed to the new fashion of Muffin Topping, but bless her, if she had been swimming in the sea I fear she might have been harpooned by Japanese fisherman! She seems a bit low rent in my opinion, but BB is not renowned for their stellar choices in housemates are they?

The other two are not even worthy of mention, as I cannot even remember their names. Answers of a postcard please to Who Really Gives a Shit, Elstree, Borehamwood.

I have spent the last days in the bosom of Mother Earth, cradled in the arms of Gaia, and found watching BB again, a bit disorientating. Which half-wits will they ask to join the full-wits in the main house I wonder?

Madame Du Pravee is off to Kidderminster for the annual white witch convention, and has promised to bring me back a signed copy of Shabnam’s new book “My life as a BB alien, and other stories that are far too long to go into as I am far too busy opening nightclubs in Streatham”

Until later, I will leave you with a Native American adage I picked up on my travels. “You do not need your eyes to see the world around you, but a sense of freedom, and a sense of honour” Thank you for that Sitting-on-Stump-thinking I have always remembered it, and our time in the sweat lodge with great nostalgia!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Charley Potter and the Deathly Rants

Newsflash...Looks like its Tracey versus Charley for the Friday night eviction.


I am still reeling from being “poohed” and Mr X, (who suddenly seems to have appeared on BBLB, as the insider! hmmmmm) tells me I should ask Endemol for counselling. Chanelle has had two heavy bouts of counselling, after Charley’s return to the house!



Poor old Chanelle, not bad enough that she has to be fondled in the shower by Cliff Richard. Who saw that look on Ziggy’s face when he got Chanelle against the wall of the shower, it was like the Rat Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (google anon)

The Rat( child) catcher gave me nightmares as a child. I now have an unhealthy phobia of lollipops, especially the swirled red and white ones!

I half expected Benny Hill to appear and make her into a life sized wind up toy, and have her boing out from her life sized box with Tracey type make up on.

Nicky has left the BB asylum with her tail between her legs. She looked like a deer in headlights as the BB door rattled open, and she was blasted with a cacophony of boos. She kept up her miserable façade until the end though. 10 points for consistency.

Davina was a little terse, must be from the effort of having to jet over to Elstree every Friday from her Villa in the South of France. Gwendy the Bendy who is a contortionist performer from Cirque de Soilei rang to tell me that she was moonlighting as a cleaner, and cleans Davina’s home on a Tuesday and Friday.



It seems that being able to wrap your legs round the back of your head into the Pretzel position, does not pay the rent. Between you, and me she did say that Davina is partial to the leather thong. Gwendy the Bendy has promised me that she will have a root around to see what she can find!


Charley is up to her old tricks again. Viewers complaining about her comment to Gerry, and inferring that he was a paedophile, for enjoying sex with 15-year-old boys, have rattled Ofcom this morning! Gerry denies all allegations, and I am surprised he has not set his monkey on her. The monkey does seem strangely real. I wonder if it has bride of Chucky doll powers, and might rampage through the house at night, taking out anyone in its path.

Ed the Lead from the Daily Scum tells me Charley's days are numbered, and that there is new blood baying at the starting gate. This new blood will be in residence at the BB Hostel next door to the main house, and our original housemates will have to pick three of them. God, three more moronic airheads seeking fame. It is all getting depressingly desperate!

Anyway, I will be away at the end of the week. BBBL is turning the big 40! I have been asked what I want for my birthday. A chemical peel perhaps, botox injections, bum cheek implants, none of which I am getting. I will be spending it in the Crop Circles of Wiltshire, wearing a Kaftan, and eating mung beans out of a dock leaf! I do not want to miss Charley’s eviction though, if it finally happens. I will have to fashion a small antenna from coat hangers and send my 7-year-old niece up a pole to hold the antenna, whilst I watch it on a portable TV from my deck chair. The joys of camping!

Madame Du Pravee is meeting us in one of the Crop Circles for a Tibetan singing bowl meditation. Janis Joplin was trying to manifest her Mercedes Benz Kaftan for me, but hasn’t quite mastered the skills for manifestation of solid objects, so I must wear my primark one instead. She did say to Madame Du Pravee to tell me “Happy Birthday, and watch out for urinating near stinging nettles” Thanks Janis!

I will keep you all updated on Thaila Zucchi and her thigh boots soon. BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Spoon me Pooh!

Move over Davina, there is a new lesbian pin up in town that goes by the name of Thaila Zucchi.

Last night I had the terrible chore of going to Big Brother’s Big Mouth. My BB friend, Cow, escorted me, as I have a phobia of driving to the Hanger Lane roundabout unaided.

Cow is like a South African TOM TOM, she guided me expertly round the streets of London. I think secretly she might be a dominatrix, and just likes to tell me what to do! Cow is not her real name, but she is in the witness protection scheme, so it would be remiss of me to reveal her real identity. Apparently, she happened upon someone stealing 10,000 dildos from the back of an Anne Summers truck, and has been in the programme ever since, as they threatened her with death by evil means. She has told me the person is famous, hence the brouhaha, but wont tell me who. All she has ever said is “think Eastenders and fake brain tumour”

Madame Du Pravee was already there when we arrived, schmoozing in the green room with Dane Bowers and junior Simpson, drinking champagne, whilst I had to do the grunt work.
She had told me earlier, that she had met up with Mr X, who was in Elstree on a mission I had sent him on. Rumour has it that the twins are in fact just a projected hologram that is beamed into the BB house, so he went to investigate. He dressed up as a BB employee and infiltrated in inner sanctum of the BB hub. He said he found it easier breaking into the Pentagon, than BB, but managed it. Once inside he spotted a door that said “Twin Hologram Projection Room”, but Vin Diesel and two snarling rottweilers guarded it, so he could go no further. Evidenced deemed inconclusive.

Anyway, I am digressing from the crux of the matter. After watching the main BB show with 41 other BB fans, squashed in an impossibly hot room, under the penetrating watchful eye of Whippet, we moved to the BBBM studio.

Now, I am sure it is hard to try to keep a live show going, and coax a studio audience all at the same time, but Thaila managed it. She put a rambling Shabnam, who was a phone caller into the show, back into her spaceship as well. Shabnam, why oh why do you still plague us? I watched the series V (google anon) I know that Shabnam possibly eats small rodents for breakfast, whilst trying to overtake the world, or in this case, the celebrity world. Therefore, Thaila, I salute you!

Now I must set a very good scene for all of you who have asked me about Thaila. After the show, even though Whippet had told us NOT to take photos, else she would behead us with a blunt Stanley knife, I rebelled, and under fear of death by beheading, or at least a nasty tetanus infection, broke ranks and approached Miss Zucchi.

Diva readers, you do not know what I do for you. I toil hour after hour in my bleak cold flat, writing the BBBL blog. I asked Thalia if she would not mind having a photo taken with BBBL, as I write a lesbian blog for Diva Magazine. Most people in the public eye recoil when they hear the word lesbian, Thaila to her credit was a good sport, and we even “snuggled” for authenticity.
I was slightly distracted by the suede thigh boots, and impossibly tiny waist, but its all for you Diva Readers…the things I have to do! I will try to find out where she will be appearing next; for all of you that are interested in her career (or is it her thigh boots I wonder?) Watch this space.

On a slightly different note. I was horrified to see poor Brian crying into his harmonica, after Charley had unleashed her bile again. Is BB condoning bullying? I kept hearing last night that Charley is entertainment. Are we that starved as a TV viewing British public for entertainment, that we mistakenly believe Charley to be good value? I do not, and I have my holy water and crucifix waiting for when she is booted!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:In out, In out, shake it all about.

I have just returned from a little holiday in Cornwall with Mr X and Madame Du Pravee. We felt we needed to recharge our BB batteries. Mr X, who has a penchant for pasties, was in his element on the craggy coast. I had a Daphne du Maurier moment on the cliffs above Red Ruth, it was all very dramatic and passionate, but unfortunately was spoilt by Mr X and his bloody cooler bag!! As I felt the wind brushing through my hair like Rebecca, Mr X decided to pull out of his paisley cooler, 12 individual trifles, and a box of mini scotch eggs. My inspired moment flew away as quick as it came.

We were also working alas. Seeing as though it was fake week in the BB house, we had a fake holiday. We stayed in a replica BB caravan, and spent a phenomenal amount of our time lying around in white duvets bitching about each other and talking about nominations. Once, spookily, I heard “would BBBL please come to the diary room,” Mr X said it was just the Cornish wind rattling the top of the caravan, although I am not convinced. In addition, an Australian woman was doing a meditation class in our campsite, and we had to connect with our inner spirit animals. Mine was a bull mastiff and Mr X called upon his, the beluga whale.

We arrived back, and went straight to Elstree for the fake eviction. Well, never have I seen such an angry mob! It was reminiscent of the Ikea crush at Edmonton! Banners were aloft, “Get Charley Out”, “Carole where’s your boobies at….oops there they are” and my personal favourite “Who killed JR…cos I weren’t me”

I wonder where the get the eviction night rent a mob. I went on eBay and did not see one. and you can get anything on eBay, livers, hearts, kidneys…..even Lorena Bobbit’s kitchen knife, with the foreskin still on it( Google it anon) Anyway, Charley left the house, was interviewed by gorgeous Davina, and then plopped back into the reality domicile. All the “get Charley out banners”, were miraculously replaced in Charley’s eyes, by banners exalting the wonders of her, and how we, the British public, lay prostate at her feet of greatness! I am no fan of Charley, but I thought it was a bit sadistic, even for my tastes. As much as she is brash and aggressive, she is young, and I hope she will manage to recover. I saw a look of absolute terror on Chanelles face when she walked back into the house…It was reminiscent of when Posh saw Gerri again at the Girl Power conference in Accrington Stanley. Poor old Liam is in for a rough ride; I bet he wished he kept up his tree felling business. Maybe its karmic retribution, for all those oak tress that have been extinguished by his hand.

Madame Du Pravee and I went to Jamaica inn, where by some twist of fate, she channelled the spirit of Charles Dickens. What a grumpy bugger he was, it was like pulling blood from a stone. His dour tone started to grate quickly, and I wanted Janis Joplin back, she was far more amusing. Charles was moaning about the Bleak BB House, and how he was worried about Gillian Anderson’s weight. I chirped in with a “shake me up Judy” as some sort of comic relief, but he was having none of it. He told us that BBBM had wind of my blog and had tapped into the channelling sessions and had managed to get Charlie Chaplin in. I thought he was too busy fathering children to bother with mere mortals like us.

Dickens also hinted that Nikki would come into her own this week, comparing her to Lady Dedlock. I hope that Nikki does start to do something! The dossier on Gerry has arrived, but we are in a feud with the Greek court over certain content..BBBL will get back to you.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Faking it with Balls of Steel.

I have spent the last two days crammed in a tent with Mr X, on the outskirts of Borhamwood. Mr X’s flatulence has been prolific, and I feel I might have succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning.

Our combat fatigue tent was nestled between two trees, the only thing that could have given us away, was the fact that Mr X likes to hang out his used tea bags to dry. He says they can be double dipped. (Although they do not provide a decent second cuppa.)

I hadn’t realised he was so tight until having to lie next to him for two nights, hoping the crabs wouldn’t jump ship and move into my sleeping bag. I do admit to sneaking out late one night, and piercing those little tea bags with my Swiss army knife. We had Australian delicacies provided by Endemol, like pickled Koala scrotum pate and Kangaroo uterus, which strangely, tasted just like tofu! Mr X does like to try new things.

We were watching the entire goings on at BB from the grassy knoll with the new housemate “Pauline Pooh”. In BB’s fake week she will have to convince the housemates, she is actually a BB contestant from Oz, and has been swapped for a few days. Unfortunately, it looks like Ziggy has already smelt a rat! (If he weren’t a smoker, his sense of smell, would definitely be better.)

When Carole’s large dangling breasts posed questions about Australia, poor old Pooh did not know what to say! Admittedly, neither would I if I were faced by Barnes Wallis' bouncing bombs. I fear I would collapse from the shock of seeing the beasts up close and personal.

I hope Pauline will get a good innings. Ziggy already thinks he has met her before. Pauline (actress Thalia Zucchi from Balls of Steel fame) used to be a groupie for Northern Line and is a BB stooge, sent in to rattle the hornets nest.

Mr X and I did toast our Laura farewell from our canvas abode. I thought I got a sniff in the wind of her leopard print housecoat, but it wasn’t, a ferret had crawled under a nearby bush and died. Madame Du Pravee paid us a visit, and we did a channelling session by gaslight. It was all very Blair Witch. I had my beanie hat on and obligatory hanging bogey from my right nostril and Mr X ,dressed in his flannel lumberjack shirt, ran around the forest screaming. I found out later the screams were not from fear of seeing the Borehamwood Witch, but rather a flare up of his crab situation.

Madame Du Pravee gave me a warning, she told me I would be involved in a controversy but did not want to elaborate. Mama Cass who had by chance spirited in to the wrong channelling session had given this information. Mama was meant to go to Gayle Porter, who was sulking around her London flat where she died from a ham sandwich overdose, but ended up in Madame Du Pravee’s mind instead. Mama Cass also told Madame that due to staff shortages “up there” all extra sensory communication would stop on Friday 13th, as they are on strike over pay and dental/health benefits.

She also told us of a blossoming relationship between Ziggy and Carole. After the Carole Lap Dance, which I found somewhat disturbing, Mama Cass told us a flood of bets were being placed on Heaven’s Power for a Ziggy/Carole house romance. I cannot tell you who will win BB, as I do not want to spoil the surprise. Suffice it to say " am I bothered".

I have a meeting this week with the infamous “Ed the Lead” who is a BB informant with The Scum Daily newspaper, he has a dossier on Gerry that would shock the habit of a nun.

Keep tuned for all the gossip BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:Voodoo, Chanelle and the Welsh Housecoat

Priscilla the White Witch of Islington called Mr X and me on Tuesday requesting a meet at Camden Lock. I have never been a fan of Camden, after I had my car towed and impounded, and had to beg a woman not dissimilar to Charley, to believe that the car did belong to me, and that having all the vehicle registration documents, car keys, ownership papers, was in fact, a pretty good indication of my honesty.
I still shiver at the thought of that woman. Several rounds of hypnosis still haven’t shifted that fear. I wonder how many of the housemates will end up in therapy after BB8, to rid them of the torture of Charley? All they really need is a colonic…that would do the trick.

Therefore, Priscilla, Mr X and I were all huddled under an impossibly small umbrella, for our clandestine little meet. I have a phobic fear of Joss Sticks, another reason to despise Camden. Priscilla, is a world expert on exorcisms, and has bought news back from Haiti. Twelve years ago, Charley’s family were given an artifact from an archaeological dig in Haiti, by a man called “The Rhino”

What they do not know is, this artifact, holds voodoo powers, and Charley, has unwittingly ingested the spirit of a Haiti prince, who died by unnatural causes. This explains the massive ego, feeling of being famous, and inability to allow others to speak first. Priscilla wants Mr X and me to scale the wall of the BB house, and perform the exorcism she has written out on a piece of goatskin, under the next full moon.

Well, I'm an altruistic type of person, but am inclined to let this one run it course. I have an alternative plan, for when Charley is evicted from the BB house, and this involves Sigourney Weaver, a shoulder held rocket launcher and two tonnes of Somerset manure.

So, Laura our Welsh kebab eating friend is up for the public vote, along with Chanelle. This is a tough call. Chanelle, if she’s booted out, will at least be able to set up The Spice Girls Tribute band, and do a reunion tour. Laura, will go back to her morgue doing make up on the stiffs. Let’s be honest, dead people can’t complain about her atrocious make up, so she might get away with it. I’m torn, I would like to see Chanelle stay, but think that Ziggy has stolen any chance for her, I would like to see Laura go, purely because I want to know if her eviction outfit will include the leopard print dressing gown.

I must make a confession; I actually shed a tear at BB. I hated myself for it afterward, if that helps. It was Jonathan wanting to be with his mum, at the funeral of his grandma, and saying “no fame is worth this”. Could it be that they BB bosses actually picked someone with a clear view that BB is just a game show. Good luck to you Jonathon…Vulcan or not!!

I’ve had a relapse on my BB slump, it’s much like Malaria; it goes away for a few days, and then rages back with full venom. I think Charley’s dybbuk is suppressing the other housemates potential, hence why BB is a bit boring this year. I’m on BBBM tonight, I’m going to yell over the garden of the house “find that bloody secret room, and the hidden washing machine you gits, I’m sick of watching you mangling your smalls”

More from Madame Du Pravee, Mr X, Shakespeare and me on Friday, until then “be safe out there” BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Laura and the Donner Kebab Mystery

Poor Mr X, he is still suffering from his nasty case of crabs, it seems that this was a particularly virulent kind of crab, which by size, challenged the Dungeness. He has been laid low with his antibiotics and a jockstrap full of dry ice.

I thought I would step into his PI shoes. I have always fancied myself as a bit of a Magnum PI. I rented a huge moustache, large sunglasses, crinoline flairs, and headed off back to Wales.
Kitted out with my surveillance gear loaned by David Icke, I went in source of any gossip on Laura. Well, well, well, amazing what you can find out with a bit of bribery.

Seems that Laura cannot resist a bit of kebab…both donner and that of her best friend Janine.
According to the sister, of the brother of Janine’s Pilates teacher, Laura and Janine had a night of drink-fuelled lady garden passion.

I was told to go to Porth hospital, where I wangled some ER notes. It turned out that Laura, whilst in the midst of her lesbian fling, let her wangers get loose, rendering Janine unconscious.

Unfortunately, a discarded kebab had been left on the bed, and by some million to one fluke, the kebab got wedged in the nipple of Laura’s right wanger.
Nurses had a task to free the speared boob. After they were both released from the hospital, they continued their night of eager beavers, and afterwards Janine told a well-respected tabloid called The Daily Scum “She stank of kebab the whole time we were at it”

Janine, who was unconscious for 30 minutes suffered from short-term amnesia, and had forgotten the entire the hospital trip.
Laura, found out two weeks later, that the reason she stunk of kebab, was that the ER nurse, who was watching Scrubs on her mobile phone, accidentally left half a pineapple chunk and small piece of donner rotting in the right wanger. Laura has kept very quiet of her dalliance into the love that dare not speak its name!

Ah, the spoils of war. Billi (don’t be a hero) was booted on Friday to rapturous boos. His interview was so boring; I cannot be bothered to comment on it. Chiggy are full steam ahead, (I'm seeing the next Maxwell and Saskia evolving) and Brian is making some thought provoking statements that are changing the world we live in. I love that the housemates are interjecting such intellectual nuggets like “Do girls poo?” and "What are slops….are they some type of foreign footwear?”

My Welsh soiree has sorted the BB slump I found my self depressingly in. I talked to a woman called Mavis, who worked at Cardiff Castle, we swapped ideologies about BB, and her parting words were, as I left with 2 sticks of rock, a welsh flag, and a bag of lamb koftas, “Wouldn’t watch that shit, if I was drowning in a sea of my own vomit, and grabbing the TV was my only flotation device, I rather drown…or If I’m Charley, drownded”

I will soldier on, in some self-deluded hope that it might get more exciting. Until then, Madame Du Pravee called me to tell me, that all the celebrity spirits are contacting her now. She says it like a casting session on a Steven Spielberg Movie.
She has taken to having to put them in time slots of 10 minutes each. Nostradamus has been outraged all week that they have taken the Big Brother’s Behemoth Mouth slot from him, and given it to Edgar Cayce instead. Nostradamus says it is not fair, as he sleeps on the job. Can’t the outer realmed spirits be testy?

I have exciting news to offer in the next couple of days. I need to verify the reliability of my source before I can say for sure. So keep tuned. Moreover, remember fellow BB addicts, when you feel the hand of the slump clawing at your back “we are all just prisoners here, of our own device.” BBBL

Is it okay for Emily to get booted for using a racist word, yet Laura called Liam a poof and nothing was done? Give me your opinion of this in the comments page...BBBL