Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who Goes..Mohamed or Sylvia? WHO CARES!

So BB-noughts it's Mohamed or Sylvia for the baptism by fire on Friday night. Trust me Ive been to a live eviction, its like a public stoning! It reminds me of the scene from Life of Brian.

The baying mobs all clumped together, rocks and bags of gravel at the ready! All we need is Davina dressed up like John Cleese and we would be set.

I can just see it now, the newly svelte Davina ( I hope she hasn't succumbed to the cucumber diet all the celebs are on! This involves eating an inch of cucumber every 72 days) Anyway, back to my rather redundant point...Davina saying in her hushed tones " Big Brother house, this is Davina...please do not...OK who threw that?? I said who threw that?"

For those of you now asking yourself what the blazes I'm talking about. Some of the crowd from the scene in Life Of Brian, couldn't hold back their excitement and stoned the victim before the whistle blew!!

How I wish BB was funny like Monty Python. I have not laughed once. Not even the sight of people sitting in a giant ashtray has parted so much as a chuckle from my beleaguered soul.

I knew a woman once who slept in a coffin, she said she wasn't a vampire slayer, just it was more snug and she slept better!! Apparently Truelove and Sons were selling coffins at a car-boot in Chorley and it was cheaper than an Ikea bed, so she bought it and has never looked back!

What does this have to do with BB I hear you wail. Nothing I retort, but bugger all goes on in that house so I have to tell you tidbits from my meandering mind. It was the ashtray that reminded me of that for some reason.

I am feeling distinctly soporific in regards to BB at present. It all about Stuart's eyelashes and narcissism, and the two love birds. Who smells a Saskia/Maxwell liaison forming? God there's nothing worse than watching too desperate sycophants puckering up for the sake of a tepid little interview with Heat Magazine dressed in white linen straddling a chaise lounge.

I would rather eat the testicles off a corpse than watch that. Talking of testicles, I have promised my straight male readers lots of lesbian sex tips and threesome advice. I have consulted my FaceBook porn star Friend and we will be doing BB sex tips for men in the next blog. She couldn't do it this week as she is currently starring in Seymour Butt's new film " Oklaboner"

I do need to talk about Kathreya aka Jeanette Krankie (Google anon) I cant make head nor tails of that woman. She wont be able to be in Darnell's Video cos shes "piggy pig pig"

The woman seems actually okay, but her speech forms are somewhat bizarre. I know shes from Thailand, as long as we don't have to see her legs a-kimbo chucking a ping pong ball out of her fangita to a target strapped to Mario's head then I think we can tolerate her eccentricity.

Kathreya at the Thailand School fete on the tombola stand.

At least shes a Buddhist, that will help with the desperate karma that BB contestants bring into Elstree under the guise of "just there to win the money", and not trying to elongate into a career in the media.

Shakespeare has had the last few days off due to a nasty incident with Marlowe. Marlowe was haunting a rather cosy little B @ B in Kent and stepped on the Bards toes a little. The Bard stormed out in a cosmic diva style tantrum and has gone to cool off. He will be back in the next blog with news about Dale!! And it is big!! Think Lycra, poppers and soft furnishings, and that's all I'm saying!

I know a cosmic diva who is suffering from a nasty case of anal orbs!! GET WELL SOON

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Send in the clowns.

NEWSFLASH: Mario scratching his nads. Gosh the excitment is too much to bear!

Stuart entered the house to a lukewarm reception at best. Stuart is a property developer from Manchester. WE all know what that means....He painted his friends living room back in 2003, so that counts on the resume.

Stuart obviously has Oedipus complex, and whats with the neck scarves? It all seems a bit Kenneth Williams to me. All BB need to do now is throw in Hattie Jacques in a nurses uniform and we will be set for Carry On Boring us half to death.

Incidentally, as a scientific experiment before BB started I had an I.Q test, and I gave in my Mensa card to the president, a woman called Hillary who lives in Guildford. Hillary has an I.Q of 240, and breeds long haired Afghan rabbits.

Anyway I digress slightly. My I.Q was retested 17 days into BB and it appears I now have the I.Q of a courgette. I blame Luke....his conspiracy theories are all too much for me. I like a good old conspiracy. Roswell, Area 51, Cliff Richard is a android, I can get down with that. But Luke's are too far fetched. He thinks if he talks like a Coronation Street character, he will win BB by default!

I need to vent my spleen about Lisa and Mario. Lisa I can deal with. She met Mario from eBay, she bought a crystal ball from him. She should have known, if she can gaze into the ethereal membrane and see into the future, surely she should have been able to spot that he was a prize knob!

Anyway, back to more pleasant musings. I spontaneously fell into a trance yesterday, and the bard came in. I was surprised to find that he was a little low of spirit. Philip Marlowe had been taunting him again, and if it hadn't been for Plato stepping in a brawl might have ensued. Bard told me that the other side are equally bored of BB, and they are planning on sending in a poltergeist to step things up a bit.

Now, that would be fun. BB the Exorcist....I can see it now, Rachel possessed by a demon in the luxury bedroom...if she could turn her head 360 degrees, I would indeed enjoy BB more. Rex could be the exorcist..."Be gone demon, Be gone". Rachel, who at this point is strapped to her bed, covered in snot and screaming " you're mother sucks kebabs in hell"....I will ask the bard to send in the poltergeist ASAP, it would be far more exciting.

My "date" with Nigella Lawson was an unmitigated disaster I sadly report. All was going swimmingly. We had got past the awkward silence part, and were moving smoothly into the " Are going to shag like Afghan Rabbits stage?" and then the subject of meringues came up. Nigella and I would never work. She likes to blast her meringues in a hot oven, whereas I like my cooked on a low heat for several hours. If you're incompatible, you're incompatible!!!

Anyway my BB lovers/haters. I will report from any ghostly sightings I see in the house. lets hope the Bard and Co send in a particularly virulent poltergeist with a grudge against reality TV

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Big Brother's Big Bore!

Here we are again. A week into the BB social experiment, and I am finding my I.Q distressingly disabled.

I was agog ( Google anon) at the task, that involved licking crisps. I mean we've all been at the crisp licking stage in our lives. I recall a crisp licking moment in 1989 that involved a woman called Shirley and a four pack of strongbow cider..Its best left unsaid, as so many things are in my life.

So BB fans ( if there are any out there still) the same old homogenized types are in the house. The obligatory big mouth, the IT girl, the poor man's Rambo, and the others that are all too non-descript to warrant any discussion at all.

I will be refraining from using their names until someone steps up the the plate and says anything remotely witty or intelligent.

And where, oh where, are the lesbians this year? Why is the house always so devoid of A) Lesbians. B) Eye Candy. C) Anyone with anything interesting to say at all. I despair at the level of morose,moronic Muppet's in the house this year.

I was hoping, in my dotage, that BB would finally put in someone that would know what the word onomatopoeia means. I do like the man that is restricted of sight....must be a bonus for him, not being able to see in there!!

On a positive note, and I'm digging into the depth's of my soul here. I have been channelling the bard himself, that's Mr Shakespeare to all you non-thespians. The Bard assures me that the summer will start to liven up, and "thy hand will drip with the words of the excited fool".

He explained that BB is just a modern day version of a midsummer nights dream, and that wily puck will bring it all together. I did try to resist his obvious madness of being trapped in the ethereal layer for too many years, but he was highly insistent that this will be the Summer of our content.

I'm sure there will be times of great inspiration in the coming weeks. Crisp licking is just a taster of the fevered possibilities for us, the mere meek viewer. What next I ask the bard? Tortilla licking? Satsuma orifice plunging? Vimto Henna tattoos?

All will be revealed I'm sure in the coming weeks. I will leave you with an inspirational prediction from the Bard, for the weary of heart over BB.

" Thine eyes will be witness to a tempest rage, upon the ground of Elstree. Five men will seek the title, yet one women will seize the prize. The other, the pestilent goat ninny, will be evicted with thunderous roars, from the furious mob"

Cliff notes to this means: Its all going to kick off, the blokes will be smarmy and try to win, but a women will win this year, and some prat will be evicted to the biggest booing session in BB history. Hmmmmmm, anyone smelling a deja vu here?

Ta Ta for now....next blog a riveting interview with Nigella Lawson, who gets her kit off whilst making an incredible lamb kofta dish.

BBBL

Rhona Cameron: single mum – for a week

“I just felt such pure and utter love for all of them, I wanted to clean for them, to cook for them and to just see them happy,” says Rhona Cameron of her time spent looking after four children for a new Channel Five documentary series. She’s one of three celebrities picked to take on a parenting role in SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE A SINGLE PARENT! (airing Weds 9th January 8 pm).
Rhona gave DIVA her perspective on the experience...

“I found looking after the four children of the Robarts family to be a profoundly moving experience. I hadn't doubted that I would be good with the kids, but was very surprised to feel so maternal towards them.
I had always envisaged myself as a more paternal figure, but it turned out I was a mum for the week. Delighted that I had been placed with a family with three boys, aged five, eleven and fourteen that all play football or rugby, I was looking forward to a good kick about. However when I took them to their football training, I spent the entire time worrying about whether they had enough warm clothes on or not. By the middle of the week I felt like a different person, devoid of my usual neuroses, instead so busy caring for the children that I had little time to think of myself. The thing that meant the most to me was getting them to eat breakfast for the first time in years. They had lost their mother in 2002 and David, a wonderful father, had to give up his work and become a full time single parent. Although he would get up every day at 7.30 for the youngest, Felix, he would sleep through the older kids’ breakfast hour as they had to leave very early to catch the school bus. I think they didn't want to burden their dad with extra responsibilities and that broke my heart. I begged them to let me prepare breakfast for them and eventually they agreed. I could have cried when they left for school after eating the toast and tea I made them.
My favourite time was bathing the little one. We would play a game during which he would hold onto the bath and I would throw the towel over his head and dry his hair really quickly and vigorously. I would growl and this would make him laugh his little head off. I also took him to his swimming club which was really strange as I was a swimmer throughout my entire childhood, and my poor parents spent years in an overheated waiting area cheering me on. At one point during Felix's swim session I could have cried my eyes out. I had to steel myself a few times, as I didn't want to completely break down on camera. I just felt such pure and utter love for all of them, I wanted to clean for them, to cook for them and to just see them happy. Reading a bedtime story to a kid who is looking up at you with glee is about the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
On the last day when their father returned I cooked a big Sunday dinner, and Rosie the eldest child hugged me. We sat hugging for some time, and I realised how much she missed her mum.
It changed me enormously for that week - my maternal side suits me very much indeed.”

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Sian McClelland.

Phew, here we go again. All these women not enough time. Sian McClelland 24, Miss Gay East Anglia, is from Peterborough and works for the RAF.

Calm yourselves people, we all have a penchant for women in uniform. I had a huge crush on the Lollipop Lady at school. I used to feign asthma attacks on the zebra crossing to get some of her pastoral care. Well she used to kick me and say “get up you stupid twat”, but that is beside the point.

MGUBL: “Why did you enter Miss Gay UK?”

SIAN: “I wanted to be a positive role model for boys and girls. I feel I am good at expressing my feelings so thought I would get it a go.”


MGUBL: “What do you think was the one thing that got you into the final?”

SIAN: “I think it was generally my personality. I have a style and a confidence and am very individual. The heat took place all the way back in April so it’s hard to recall all that happened”

I remember April well. I was in Florida and can recall a close shave with a rather obtuse alligator that had chosen our villa pool as its waterhole. Lollipop Ladies and Alligators, who would have em eh!


MGUBL: “Where did the event take place?”

SIAN: “The Crown Inn in Peterborough. It is owned by a lovely lesbian couple!”


MGUBL: “Tell me about your job?”


SIAN: “I work for the RAF. I am an environmental health technician. We take care of all the forces members. I love my job”

MGUBL: “Who is your favourite lesbian icon?”

SIAN: “Definitely Ellen DeGeneres. I like that she is opinionated, and she is very black and white. What you see is what you get. I’m like that too.”

I fear for my lesbian status I really do. I cannot stand Ellen; yes, she has done wonders for the community, and is shagging Portia, possibly the hottest women on the planet. Okay I do not like her for that reason I admit it.


MGUBL: “Eastenders or Hollyoaks?”


SIAN: (Laughs,) “That’s a tough one. I will have to say Eastenders?”


MGUBL “Would you do Helen Mirren (Prime Suspect not Queen Era)?


SIAN: “Yes I would because she is out there and different?”


MGUBL: “What TV show would you like to appear on?”


SIAN: “One of those late night quizzes where my personality could shine through”


I spent almost £50 on one of those programmes. We had to fill in the word. It was a six-letter word beginning with W, after eighteen attempts at one pound per minute I got through. The host who was clearly hyperactive said “Your answer Kathy” I said "Wanker". It was wombat, I was close.

MGUBL: “What would you bring to the community if you won Miss Gay UK?”


SIAN: “I would bring my personality and my objectives on life. I am a good communicator and express my feelings well. I feel I take other peoples point of view really well and would be a good role model”

MGUBL: “Have you ever made a Christmas dinner?”


SIAN: “Yes I have the full works. I love to cook I think I am a good girlfriend but I have just been dumped. I am too soft I think. But you have to pick up your feet and get on with it”

Sian is free and single. Another incentive for you all to make the pilgrimage to Birmingham.

MGUBL: “What were you in a past life?”

SIAN: “Well I’m not sure, but I would like to hope that I was someone that was remembered.”


MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

SIAN: “Yes spiders, but being in the military you are not really meant to shown any weakness, so you have to suck it up”

MGUBL: “Do you have any special talents?”


SIAN: “I a professional street dancer. I break dance, and I play Hockey for England. I’m in the England squad”


That is impressive. I hated hockey after Michelle Hoyton smashed me in the mouth with her bloody hockey stick. I now have a phobia of hockey playing women called Michelle

MGUBL: “Are you going to win Miss Gay UK?”


SIAN: “I hope so. I would like to. It’s a learning curve anyway so I will just enjoy the night.”

Thanks to Sian for her warmth and sincerity. This woman cooks, so any single women out there looking for a real catch come to Brum and meet her.


Please support Miss Gay UK anyway you can. Leah and Nina deserve all of our praise for the immense task they have taken on. I will be accepting tequilas at the bar from 5pm onwards!

http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Kimberley Sanger.

So, we are into the last furlong before the Miss Gay UK final, taking place in Birmingham this Friday.

Kimberley Sanger, a mere whippersnapper at 18, is the latest soldier to the Interview battlefield. Pat Benatar proclaims that love is a battlefield; I would like to ask Ms Benatar to attend the final, to see that ambition is a battlefield.

I will be accompanied to the final by my nearest and dearest, and they will all be desperate for alcohol, so if anyone wants to buy them a drink….I say, please do, it will save me at least £100.

Kimberley is from the sexy region of Swindon. I had a drunken liaison in Swindon with a married woman called Saskia, so I have nostalgic feelings about the entire county of Wiltshire.

MGUBL: “Why did you enter Miss Gay UK, and how does it feel to be stepping in for the winner?” (Shixin, who won the final, cannot make it now, so 4th place winner Kimberley has picked up the London torch)


KIMBERLEY: “I feel really proud to be representing London, the gay capital of the UK. It’s the biggest honour”


MGUBL: “The London heats were tough. Did you have a special talent to show off?”


KIMBERLEY: “Not really. I have my own special talents. I can cut my own Hair, and everybody else’s. I feel I have small unique talents”

God I need my hair done before the final. My stylist, Edwina, has gone to a health spa for colonic irrigation. Selfish cow!


MGUBL: “Tell me about your job?”

KIMBERLEY: “I am a part-time DJ for a gay venue in Swindon, and I am also a credit controller for Dolby!”


MGUBL: “Who is you’re favourite lesbian icon?”


KIMBERLEY: “Oh that’s got to be Beth Ditto, she fab. She gets naked and gyrates on her microphone stand on stage. I think she’s amazing”

MGUBL: “Talking of naked…I saw you’re Beaver in Diva. How was that photo shoot?”

KIMBERLEY (laughs,) “It was brilliant. It as a nerve-wracking experience. I forgot my robe, so they lent me one that was way too small, it did not even cover my arse. I really enjoyed it. I mean Diva asked so I couldn’t say no could I?”

For all of those leafing quickly through the latest Diva in eager anticipation turn to page 42.

MGUBL: “Do you believe in serendipity and the constant flow of the universe?”


KIMBERLEY: (Laughs,) “Sorry what?”

MGUBL “Fate, you must believe in fate, as it brought you to the Miss Gay UK Final after all?”

KIMBERLEY: “Yes, I do believe in fate?”

MGUBL: “Would you do Kelly Brooke?”


KIMBERLEY: “I have to say I wouldn’t, it’s a personality thing for me, and I would decline”

I would not kick her out of bed for eating cream crackers I can tell you…

MGUBL: “Strictly come dancing or Cirque De Celebrite?”

KIMBERLEY: “Got to be strictly come dancing. I haven’t seen the other one, is it good?”

MGUBL: “No its shite. If you like ex big brother housemates straddling a high wire whilst Ruby Wax has some psychotic episode in the ring wearing a bizarre costume, then it might be for you.”

MGUBL: “What would you bring to the community if you won Miss Gay UK?”

KIMBERLEY: “I think I would try and make being gay more acceptable. The community is too segregated. I would like to make more places gay friendly, so it begins to be classified as normal. Because it is normal to be gay!”

MGUBL: “What were you in a past life?”

KIMBERLEY: “Oh my god I was definitely a man. I think like a man, and I have the brain of a man.”


MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

KIMBERLEY: “Yes, butterflies, oh I hate butterflies. I would rather sit in a bath full of snakes than have a butterfly near me”

MGUBL: “Are you going to win Miss Gay UK?”

KIMBERLEY: “I am (laughs). I would really like to win as I feel I can do really big things for Miss Gay UK. I do hope I win”

Thanks to Kimberley for a great interview. For all of you that are humming and hawing about going to Brum, let me leave this little adage for you.

Life is too short, and there will be wall-to-wall women…


Please support Miss Gay UK anyway, you can. Leah and Nina who are the organisers have been working flat out to make this a great competition.

http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Leah McCullough.

I have been thinking about the universe in the last couple of days. The ebb and flow of human nature, the push and pull of our disquieted lives and came to the following conclusion.

Living in Provence with Nigella would certainly have it pitfalls. I mean yes to wake up alongside the culinary Adonis would be a bonus, but then what if this dream were in fact not what we expect or want it to be?? Maybe Yvette Fielding is more my type?

I mean knocking about an old castle at 3am waiting to be possessed by the ghost of Gwendolyn; a 13th century whore is far more appealing. I offer myself up to be possessed, with Yvette mopping my fevered brow….all she would have to do would be to ditch that full length puffer jacket! I have a phobia of puffer jackets.

Anyway, back to reality and a rather endearing interview with Leah McCullough from Belfast. I am partial to a Northern Irish accent; it could melt me like butter in the slap of a word. Being 32, Leah feels that she has wisdom to share. She also could possibly be a Romany Gypsy in a past incarnation, who we can affectionately call Gypsy Rose Leah.

MGUBL: “Why did you enter Miss Gay UK?”


LEAH: “I saw a poster and I thought I can be Miss Gay UK, it’s like a gay Miss Congeniality, and I love that movie. I was G+T’d up and I thought well I’m gay and I’m from the UK so I’m qualified to enter”

At this point I am all ready smitten with her accent! It is charming.


MGUBL: “What venue was it held at?”


LEAH: “It was held in Belfast at a pub called DuBarry’s. There were 14 contestants and it was a right laugh. We all laughed at lot. I was the granny of the bunch, you know being 32, but I thought ah well I’ve a brass neck on me, so go for it”

For all of us not aware with the Irish colloquialism 'a Brass Neck On me' it means…..she’s got a really big pair of bollocks and isn’t afraid to use em…


MGUBL: “Can you make homemade soda bread?”

LEAH: “Oh my god I can, I fucking can. I make potato bread actually, and I have a couple of secret weapons that I put in there. My friends are banging on my door on a Saturday to get there hands on my bread!”

(My friends are banging on the door to get there hands on my baps, but that’s another story)

MGUBL: “What would you do if you won Miss Gay UK…and how would it change you?”


LEAH: “I don’t think anything could change me, good luck with that (laughs). I think it would enhance my life and my personality, and open doors for me. If I did win I would use my wisdom and make the word lesbian more acceptable. I’d do it with integrity and a pinch of style.”

MGUBL: “How’s the gay scene over in Ireland?”

LEAH: “Improving and we have to thank the older lesbians for that. They have nurtured the gay scene and we can now reap the benefits. The lesbians who are now in there 40’s and 50’s are the ones to thank. Having said that there are no women only bars in Belfast, DuBarrys welcome lesbians with open arms though”.

MGUBL: “I’ve heard that the Irish make fantastic lovers. Can you confirm or deny these allegations?”


LEAH: (Laughs,) “I can neither confirm nor deny, but of course, I can confirm that my fiancé of almost 8 years is fantastic.”

MGUBL: “Have you ever met the Nolan’s?”

LEAH: “Oh my god, yes, I swear to fuck I met Bernie. She was in a pub and had been on loose women talking about giving up smoking, and there she was smoking like 40 tabs one after the other. We went up and said it is cool to see you and you are a liar. She was lovely spent time talking to us.”


MGUBL: “Who would be your ideal woman to have a date with?”

LEAH: “Okay this is fantasy date right? Then it would have to be Annie Lennox. She is strong and can belt out a tune. I’d cook and clean for her (laughs) the word cool doesn’t even come close to encapsulating who she is.”

MGUBL: “What do you think the lesbian community needs to change?”

LEAH: “In think it’s a bit of an inner circle, very insular. I can accuse myself of the same thing. Its small community but needs to be more vocal. We need to gay up the world, so that in future generations it will be more acceptable. I have brilliant family who are really proud of who I am.”

MGUBL: “James Joyce or WB Yeats?”

LEAH: “Oh you’re an evil woman. I am going to have to say both. Make a poet sandwich of them both.”

MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

LEAH: “Oh my god how long have you got? Cockroaches and flying cockroaches. Oh and brass bands, I literally crumple into a heap when I hear a brass band…crawling I am on hands and knees. Yes and Swing chairs at the funfair, there’s something so wrong about those!”

I thought my list of phobias was extensive!

MGUBL: “What will be you’re killer tactic for the final?”

LEAH: “I’m going to try and make everyone laugh. I love to see people laughing. I am a right idiot I must say. Therefore, if I make people laugh then I have achieved something. I’ve got twenty friends coming over with me, and they are loud, so you will definitely hear them.”

MGUBL: “If you won what would you do with you’re title?”

LEAH: “I would promote myself and big up my profile so I could make a positive change to gay people. My girlfriend had a dream that I ended up on the L Word, but I wasn’t allowed to kiss Shane or Pappi.”

Am I the only lesbian on the planet who just does not get the Shane thing? I mean she looks like my nephew for Christ’s sake!

MGUBL: “Choose between Winona Ryder and Julia Roberts?”

LEAH: “Julia Roberts If I had to. I mean Winona ruined little women for me, it was all so wrong, and then the whole shoplifting scandal, so Julia. But don’t you think Julia Roberts has too many teeth, she has like 30 teeth on the top set alone!”

At this point, I tell Leah that I own a free Winona t-shirt and that I might have to bring it to Birmingham. Winona was not shoplifting exactly, but the Percadin had made her forget to pay for the luxury items….can happen to us all!

MGUBL: “What would you have been in a past life?”

LEAH: “Oh god, I’m all into this stuff. I think I was definitely a Romany Gypsy. I often get a sense of Déjà vu. I often get a sense of Déjà vu. So definitely a Romany Gypsy”

My warm thanks go out to Leah, who had me in stitches. I am looking forward to meeting the gang of twenty Irish women in Birmingham. They are also going to buy me tequila! I have ordered the ambulance and stomach pump in advance.

Please support Miss Gay UK anyway, you can.

http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/