Now That's What We Call A Lesbian Playlist!

Poor Marlene Bielak: after months of bullying at the hands of a colleague who disapproved of her homosexuality, the lesbian shop assistant is in line for more than £120,000. Bielak, 34, suffered months of bullying before she left the Next store in St Helens, Merseyside, traumatized by Katrina Davies. Davies, 27, would constantly play a Morrissey song called All The Lazy Dykes every time Miss Bielak came into the stockroom at the store where they worked. Matters came to a head when an argument broke out between the two women. Mrs Davies, a practising Jehovah's Witness, pushed Miss Bielak and started shouting and swearing at her, calling her a '******* dyke'.

If she’d done her homework, the St Helens zealot could have had some fun with the plethora of Sapphic songs on offer. Instead of the looped daily drone from the original Manchester miserablist, DIVA feels that Mrs Davies missed her opportunity to create the ultimate lesbian compilation: NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL LESBIAN HITS. To this end, we’d like to suggest a few items for the track listing.

The Gossip - Standing in the way of control (listen on iTunes)
Not a track that might immediately come to Katrina’s mind but one she’d do well to study. This pop anthem, destined to become THE protest song of the 21st century (say goodbye to ‘We will overcome’) rants against the homophobia of George Bush’s Republicans.

Janis Ian - Getting Over You (listen on iTunes)
Now that Katrina no longer has Marlene to abuse, she may well soon find herself humming along to the lyrics of Ian’s break-up classic as she croons: ‘And what will I do with my mornings?’

Queen of Japan - I was made for Loving You (listen on iTunes)
What if Katrina was a lady-lover after all? She may realize - with the help of this electro remake of the KISS classic - that her rage was in fact suppressed desire for Marlene.

Kd lang - Dreams of the Everyday Housewife (listen on iTunes)
When kd sang the Glenn Campbell classic about her dream girl she accidentally on purpose forgot to change the pronouns. It’s the perfect lesbian family song, innit? Awww.

Saltpeter - I’m not gay (watch on mySpace)
Salena Godden is the queer Lily Allen. This track by new kid on the block might suit any would-be gays who want to explore their inner gay girl. Ooh we can just picture it down the boozer. Altogether now. ‘We’re not gay but we’ll snog you anyway. We’ve had ten beers and we’re feeling quite queer.’