Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Close Encounters of the Shabnam Kind

So fellow BB addicts, what a spectacle we witnessed tonight. Mr X is off on a fact-finding mission in South East London; his first stop was the unemployment office, and then the benefits fraud department. The feeling from the conspiracy camp is that one of the housemates, who have the uncanny resemblance in mannerisms to Nikki (scrotum forehead) Grahame, will be arrested on her departure from the BB house.

Bufora, the British wing of the UFO department, called to say that there was a huge UFO flap over Elstree at 10.05 pm. One craft, described as the mothership, hovered over the BB house for 10 mins prior to the eviction.

One witness, who prefers to remain anonymous, said, “The craft lingered effortlessly, and when Shabnam was ejected from the house, sent down a piercing beam of light, rendering the entire crowd motionless for a few seconds”.

Barbara Jones, at the eviction by default, due to a mix up with her “Deal or no Deal” tickets saw this light phenomenon too and described it as “like the hand of Michael Jackson had come down and pointed straight at Shabnam”. Shortly after this missing time episode, Shabnam was displaying Michael Jackson tendencies. Shamone!!

Shabnam, your people are hailing you to enter the mothership, perhaps your magazine and television deals will have to occur on you’re own planet! I am sure Nexus magazine might put you on the front page as proof of ET existence.

As the pleiades residents were readying Shabnam back into their pod, three other men entered the BB house.

Liam is a tree surgeon; I hope Laura will not be stationary for too long, as he might try to fell her legs. Bless her though; they will have to chisel that eye mask from her head at the end!

Billi is a model, oh yawn yawn, I’ve seen better hair on a toilet brush at Euston Station lavatories, come on BB, give us someone with at least 2 brain cells. If it were not for Tracey, Carol and perhaps Gerry, watching BB would have reduced my IQ by at least half.

Brian, who, at least has a normal job like the rest of us, is a self confessed “ladies man” and wants to get his own way. Well Brain you will have to join a very long queue.

Last, and certainly least is Jonathan, a media whore who has made at least a million pounds promoting idiots with no talent. Doesn’t this Beg the question, why does he need to whore himself further?
I hope he might donate his winnings to charity, if by slim chance he is still in one piece after Charley finds out he has wealth. That girl could smell money inside a hermetically sealed box from three miles away. That unemployed sniffer box is well honed.

My BB informant has leaked to me that Richard Branson, new sponsor with Virgin Mobile, will enter the house personally and challenge the housemates with a task!

I bet it will involve trying and sit with your legs up in your face, whilst attempting to eat a packet of virgin airlines peanuts, when the person in front reclines, so you have to slip under your seat to watch BORAT on an impossibly small screen! All this while a small child cries constantly whilst kicking the back of the seat...Oh wait...hang on,we all do that task when we fly with Mr Branson's airline! Chicken or Beef? I am sure they would argue about those food choices as well.

The gormless twinettes are still preening. When announced by Big Brother that they would be immersed into a large sardine can filled with fish guts and fish brine, they went into robotic blusher frenzy. Then, when one of them was lowered into the sardine tin, they had an episode of screaming that would befit garroting, perhaps having your fingernails pulled off and then plunged into rock salt might have warranted such a banshee wail.

The only lesbian action was between Shabnam and Chanelle. Isn’t it funny that when a woman housemate is nominated to face the public vote, they immediately grab the first female within spitting distance and snog them. Do they think this will plug the hemorrhage of votes for them by us? God, it was like witnessing a scene from Silence of the Lambs. They would argue over the fava beans and the Chianti, instead of realising a sadist maniac was disemboweling them.

Mr X ,did this week ,receive a note by the gifted Channel Madame Du Pravee. She claims to have exclusive access to the spirit of William Shakespeare, who is watching BB from above. The note, hot from the channel session with Shakespeare, is in its entirety and listed below. (This is the only Big Brother blog to have Shakespeare as a consultant)

"This is by far our summer of discontent. Made glorious by this sun of Elstree. And all the clouds that lour'd upon our BB house. In the deep bosom of the Carole woman. Now are our brows bound with failed tasks. Our bruised arms hung up for monuments; Our stern alarums chang'd to constant bickering."

Keep tuned for Mr X and his confidential report. BBBL