Big Brother's Big Lesbian: And the oscar goes too..Sarah

Nicole gets booted out with the largest percentage in BB history at a whopping 94%. I could hear the booing from Devon, it was all very dramatic and disturbing, although there was a part of me that secretly relished in her misfortune. I know, I know I am a bad person, and should be tied to a train track with flimsy rope, dressed in a stetson, with only minutes to save my skin. Its OK if I am tied to a British Rail track, the train will be late, giving me at least a half hour window of opportunity to escape my dastardly punishment.

I can see it now, all the commuters at Crawley being told there is a cowboy clad lesbian on the tracks....sorry for the delay!! Would I be easier to remove than leaves, or snow? Enquiring minds want to know! Ohh that rhymes. I feel inspired to write a poem about BB. Called The Shithouse Saga part 1....alienation.

Back to Big Bore, and with Nicole gone, its nice not to have to listen to that perpetual bickering all the time. And Ginger quiff seems to have the right old cob on at present. I would too, if my life was about to hit the skids at a great rate on knots. Poor old Rexxy boy, doesn't realise the fate that awaits him. I can see it now, chefs from all around the country, gagging for his eviction. They will be lined up with there meat cleavers and bunches of Herbs De Provence shouting Viva La France before unleashing vats of burre-blanc!

Mario, remember him? Lisa's muscle bound boyfriend entered the house and proposed through the perspex window, it was all very Mime in my opinion. I have a phobic fear of Mime acts, and the kissing of lips with each other against the glass was enough to spiral me into a panic attack. I found myself breathing heavily into a brown paper bag and cursing Marcel Marceau!

I would concur that it would be quite tiring living with a Mime artist, you cook dinner say, and call out "It's Ready dear" and they cant get to the dinner table because they are stuck in the imaginary box and cant find the door handle. I dated a circus performer once, her name was Rainbow Song. It only lasted for a week, as she smelt of Elephants, and had a penchant for acrobatic sex. I have a fear of heights so we were hideously mix matched. Whenever I see an elephant I think of her wistfully.

I am not going to mention the Mo bogey-gate scandal, it was too nauseating-so will leave that unsaid, all I will say is this. It involved a can of cider and a blind mans mammoth bogey. Ive never seen one so big. Suffice it to say, my favourite Lime curd will never pass my lips again. Thanks Greedy Mo!

Big brother decided to be nice to the housemates and provided them with presents. Lisa got a husband, Kat got some biscuits and Darnell moaned. I will never buy Darnell a Christmas presents if that's his attitude. Bloody ingrate. Mikey hoped that BB's present to him would be getting his sight back. Surely even BB couldn't rustle up Jesus from the holy mount, wrap him up and ask him to perform a miracle!! I think Mikey has coped the best out of all of them hes favourite to win, and anyone that can call Rex an arsehole to his face deserves the £100,000.

Sarah gets called for her present and it was like watching Gwyneth Paltrow's acceptance speech. Meryl Streep couldn't have squeezed out more tears than Sarah. I am not a violent person, but I throw a cushion at the television in pure frustration.

My dear dear friend, who I can't name, because shes famous believes that BB is social pornography for the hedonistic amongst us, and flatly refuses any part in BB porn watching.

Although when I ask her, she has a surprising amount of knowledge about the programme. I reckon shes a closet BB whore, who sneaks into the living room at night to watch them sleep on E4!!!

For any of you that have been to Switzerland, they have a saying if you see a hot woman, or man......Its called " A Panty". This Swiss friend said she did "A Panty" the other day. In probing her on this strange saying, she explained that she needs new panties when seeing someone hot, as "liquid" comes out on setting ones eyes on the hot subject in question.

I suggest strongly she join a support group for knicker sniffers, but she poo-poohed the idea, if you excuse the pun.

HRH the Queen reads my blog and sent me this lovely note. Which I will write out verbatim for you all.

" My Dearest BBBL, One must congratulate you on a thought provoking social commentary on this British Institution of Big Brother. I was agog to see that Nicole remotely suggested she was of Higher class standing. I have put words out in the fox hunting brigade, and she will be pelted with corgi shit, should she ever sully the walls of Balmoral... Oh P.S...Racheal to win"

How nice it was to receive that commendation from her majesty. I would rather have had an OBE, or tax break, but there you go.....

Last two weeks left of this hell, and I can go and back my I.Q back. I will leave you with my Ode to BB called "Endemol stole my soul"

ENDEMOL STOLE MY SOUL

You whore channel 4
degrading my soul
with ferocity and scathing
I am scathing and slaving
using crazy paving to hide this torment
blaming and shaming
my soul was mine
you stole it
a seasonal summer theft
I am bereft
that I have left
my soul to rot
with your snot
of TV scum
I've hurt my bum
I want my mum!


TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Get Rex out, and other musings.

NEWSFLASH! Nicole and Rex arguing!! Quelle surprese. According to BB spies Nicole, Sarah, and Lisa are up for nomination this week. If its true you heard it here first folks!

I have consulted the crystal ball of Adelphi to ascertain the results of the final week in the Big Bore house.

Nicole will argue with Rex over what was said on the outside world about him. Well Mr Ginger Quiff, judging by the response of the motley crew at Elstree on Friday night.....they want you OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! They were baying for his not so royal blood like Hyenas around the corpse of a water buffalo.

Let him face his adoring public and see what they will do to him. The crystal ball predicts some sort of Dickensian torture for Rex. I can see his restaurant being turned into a Yorkshire style woolen Mill, called The Poverty Pit. Rex will be forced to make meat pies out of the testicles and sweetmeats of the pork bits that even Asda wont use, and trust me Asda use more "bits" than most. I swear one day I bit into a famous supermarket brand sausage and chewed on what I can only describe as a cyst!

Oh how I would love to see Rex up to his arms in offal...Please Rex can I have some more. Let his simpering girlfriend waitress there as well. What I fail to comprehend are three basic points about Rexcole.

1) If shes so well to do, why are her hair extensions so badly placed. Looks like she went down the local bingo hall and asked Brenda the lady that calls the numbers out (66...to pregnant women at Margate...you know the drill) to weave her hair!!

2) If Rex is so good in the kitchen, why do we only ever see him putting salt and pepper on chickens?

3) They are the most unsuited couple in history, why are we being forced to watch there obvious co-dependant abyss of a relationship unfold before our weary eyes?

I already struggle with losing my will to breathe when watching BB, seeing them going at it hammer and tongs frankly pushes me right over the proverbial edge.

Rachael survived the eviction this week, which really surprised me. I thought we would have to keep watching guyliner whining on and on. I was pleased Rachael stayed. If Rex had spoken to me the way her spoke to her, he would have been washing his balls with a toothbrush!

Rachael is a sweet girl and to see her and Kat in the BB disco eating marmite sandwiches and dancing in a rather disturbing manner, was quite funny. Funny as in one flew over the cuckoos nest sort of way mind.

Mikey has made me laugh a couple of times during the show, and he is growing on me....not like in a fungus sort of way like Stewart likes to think, but he has a unique view on life.

That Sarah is getting on my nerves. She's so transparent in her game plan....can anyone see it? The Crystal ball predicts that she will do the cover of nuts magazine with a didgeridoo placed between her legs and the caption reading " Aussie takes it for her country"

I wish someone would go in and deep clean that red rug, its filthy. I wonder if the luxury bathroom smells, I bet it does. Like the gym locker room at David Lloyd. There are only so many airwicks you can put in one place. Why do lockers rooms always end up smelling like feet?

The ball also spoke to The Bard, he has just returned from a two week vacation at Machu Picchu. He really enjoyed the energy of the place, but got into a ghostly scrap with the Mayan God Kukulcan , who said in a rather enigmatic way the following....I shall read it like a press statement to give it more gravitas.

Reuters spectral news. " Mayan God Kukulcan has predicted that in the year 2012 a terrible curse shall hit the world. The return of the planet Nibiru ( Google anon) will pass close to the earth on December 21st, nullifying the Earth's magnetic pull, and catapulting the earth into a full axis rotation. His parting words to the Bard were "The sons of man shall scream to the fires in the sky"

Basically in a nutshell, the world will tip off its axis, and the UK will end up in the position of Australia. Well, least the summers will be better eh!

Thanks Kukulcan for that cheery message of hope and fortitude. Nought strange as folk..

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Last month in Cliff Notes

I apologise for my absence. I have been on a journey, and the not type of journey that the BB housemates purportedly take.

This has been a harrowing month full of self discovery and enlightenment.

I can impart now the wisdom that my sojourn to the ethereal realms of consciousness have taught me.

Life is not easy, and was never meant to be, but we have to go along our path with our hearts wide open to feel the universal flow of all that our cosmos, and our own micro-cosmos have to offer.

There are no easy solutions, no elixir than can be drunk in the heady depths of time to null the soul from the emotion we call life. I am what I am, as you are what you are, and all we can do is walk our path with hope and integrity and hope that along the way we will see glimpses of peace and serenity.

Now, that being said lets get straight into the BB gossip. Firstly I must mention the really grim girl on girl snog that took place between Nicole and Sarah. Nicole, Rex's rather young and snobby girlfriend was over eager to play the old tonsil hockey with Sarah.........And Sarah.....The lady doth protest too much me thinks!!

I am also concerned about Rex and his overpowering, possessive and frankly scary treatment of Nicole. I mean the man has a quiff now, and he's so paranoid. Makes Ted Bundy look like a paragon for mental health!

Stuart aka Guy-liner boy managed to evade eviction. God knows how, hes as dull as a dishcloth from Asda.

Rachael I still really like. I don't think its possible to put on a front for that long. And Rex bullies her all the time. I would have shoved his Ginger quiff up his backside by this point.

Mikey cut all his hair off for the task, and has gone skinhead extreme. He looks like a rouge faction from the BNP. Darnell also cut off all his hair...It was the highlight of BB in my opinion. I also enjoyed watching the paint dry just as much.

Is anyone apart from me actually watching this drivel? Kat the cookie monster is just becoming like a spitting image puppet. I can see her now in puppet form stood next to Tony Blair's puppet singing " Happy Happy Country, Happy Country Happy Country".

Lisa I really like, she might fabricate things a tad, as in seeing aliens in her back garden, but I don't mind a bit of eccentricity. Good for the soul.

I haven't got much to say about Mo, hes totally non-descript, he might as well have stayed at home for 12 weeks and watched BB on TV, lying on the sofa farting, eating and never brushing his hair.

The hell/heaven divide has been ripped down and all the housemates are free to see each other. That means Nicole looking at Rex's belly button, and making a comment. And him then accusing her of sleeping with someone else! Those two are so annoying. if I want to see a couple arguing day in and day out. I can go home and see my parents for that!!

Dale was booted, and I was glad. he was a moron of huge proportions! Not much has really happened as you can tell.

I guess Rachael will be booted now as the piranhas will circle the weakest link. Who will win??

Answers on a postcard to:

BB Who will win competition

23 Who gives a rat's arse lane

Load of old Bolloxs

Shropshire

SH1 TTY