Miss Gay UK: Interview with Giverny Porter.

Photo copyright of www.kategreen.co.uk



For reasons of dispelling confusion, I shall call myself Miss Gay UK’s Big Lesbian MGUBL for my interviews with the Finalists of Miss Gay UK 2007.

The first lamb to the slaughter is Giverny Porter who is 19 and comes from Birmingham. She won the Birmingham heat and is readying herself for the big finale being held in Nightingales, in her hometown, on 9th November. Giverny is a self-confessed gym bunny. She strives to do well at any challenges she faces and has a penchant for older women!

MGUBL "First off, how the bloody hell do you pronounce your name?”

Giverny “Phonetically it’s pronounced “ Shiff I Knee”. My parents named me after the Monet gardens and that infamous Chris Rea song”

(I remember a Chris Rea song that was responsible for a very naughty grope session I had in San Francisco, in a white VW beetle, but I digress)

MGUBL “God, were you conceived in the Giverny gardens?”

Giverny laughs “No, I hope not!”

MGUBL What possessed you to enter Miss Gay UK?”

Giverny “Well, I was in the Fox in Birmingham, and the proprietor suggested that I should enter. I was a bit drunk at the time, so agreed. It seemed like a good idea at the time”

MGUBL “So, you drunkenly fell into it then”

Giverny laughing “Yes, but when I got the call inviting me into the Birmingham final, I was really happy. I’m really glad I did it.”

MGUBL “Was your competition tough?”

Giverny “They were all lovely women, lovely looking girls, we all just got on. I was very nervous; we all spent a lot of time looking at our feet. I really enjoyed it though”

MGUBL “What question did you get to woo the judges with?”

Giverny “My question was ‘What do you think your outfit represents about you’. I was wearing a really tight top that showed a bit of cleavage, so the crowd all shouted out TITS, so I said I guess I’m going to have to go with tits then”

(I am thinking at this point, good answer!)

MGUBL “Okay, name your favourite woman icon, that doesn’t involve Angelina Jolie or Pink”

Giverny “Hmmm, I would have to say Demi Moore and Sharon Stone. I like older women. (At this point, I am definitely thinking this woman has impeccable taste!) “I remember watching GI Jane when I was younger and thinking I am wayyyy to excited for a girl of my age!”

We spend a few minutes discussing Demi Moore in Charlie’s Angels, and her phenomenal body. I had a friend in SF who had a Polaroid of her getting it on with Demi Moore….it was a faded picture, but I can swear to you now, that was Demi doing the pretzel position!!

MGUBL “What do you do with your time when you’re not entering lesbian competitions?”

Giverny “I’m just about to start University in Birmingham. I love sport, I play football and hockey and my main sport is golf, ohh I also play the guitar”

Giverny went to a boarding school for the golf academy, but the pressure of it all made her ill. She suffers from ME, which she believes was triggered by being at the boarding school. For any of you regressing into scenes from Lost and Delirious, it seems that Giverny would have to disagree.

The bigoted high pressure of the school was something that she, even in her young years, had the insight enough to realise, was not good for her all round.
At this point, I start to also realise what a lovely down to earth women she is, and wise beyond her years.
She then moved back to a normal school where she felt much happier to be herself, and less pressured. Being out of the elitist environment helped her immensely.

MGUBL “Tell me something completely bizarre about yourself, a foible if you will”

Giverny “Well, to look at me I’m very girlie, but I am really a bit of a bloke! In my mannerisms and things, my girlfriends have all remarked on my bloke like tendencies”

MGUBL “What is your pet hate?”

Giverny “Bitchiness, I don’t like it.”

MGUBL “Imagine that you are having a dinner party and you can invite anyone. Who would it be and what would you cook?”

Giverny “Definitely Leisha Hailey because she’s hilarious, and Sara Cox as she’s funny to, and my Girlfriend Kate, and my best friend Kate. I would cook Steak, for a healthy dinner”

Miss Gay UK competition has affected Giverny’s life already. Her new girlfriend Kate did a photo shoot for Giverny, and they ended up together! Could this be a first Miss Gay UK Wedding!!!!

MGUBL “Who is you’re favourite author?”

Giverny “Dare I say Sarah Waters. I had tipping the velvet hidden in my knicker draw for ages and my brother found it (laughs) so I said I was studying it for my exams!”


MGUBL “What would encapsulate your ideal woman, apart from your girlfriend?”

Giverny “I would have to say someone who is confident but not arrogant, older, someone who loves life and is fun loving, kind. I believe that some people look beautiful, but beauty is skin deep. I love to be able to love someone and have them love me back. I mean you can meet someone and not be attracted to them at first but you get to know them and they can blow you away”

MGUBL “Are you going to win Miss Gay UK?”

Giverny “Well, I’m going to give it a good go. I would like to win, as I am sure everyone who made it too the final would want to win. I am just going to go and have a good night, but yes, of course I would like to win. It’s going to be on my home turf, so I’m not sure if that will go against me”

MGUBL “Who do you think you might have been in a past life?”

Giverny (laughing) “A bloke, definitely a bloke!”

MGUBL “Do you have any phobias?”

Giverny “Oh my god, this is going to sound strange but I hate sponges and fuzzy felt, anything with that texture. I am actually sitting in my chair cringing at the thought. Interiors of glove boxes also, it is that fuzzy thing. In can’t stand it. My friends throw sponges at me in the supermarket, and was ex wrapped my birthday present in that fuzzy material, took me about an hour to open my present, you’ve really found my kryptonite here!”

Thanks to the sublime Giverny for the interview. She was easy going open and very funny. There was a vulnerability about her that was utterly endearing, and she had a strong sense that she did not want to let people down.

You can post a comment of support for Giverny at the bottom of the page, as we want to find the DIVA BLOG Winner. In addition, for all of those travelling to Birmingham for the final, please do not bring any fuzzy felt or sponges into the establishment! You WILL be frisked either by me or by Ingrid the Russian shot putter from Stalingrad.

Stay tuned for the next finalist interview

MGUBL

London final of Miss Gay UK: Battle wounds and glory.

I sauntered up to the Edge Bar, Soho, for round two of the ritual humiliation, oh sorry I mean Miss Gay UK. I got there early and had time to reflect on the ridiculousness of what I was doing. I mean, when you get into that spiral thought pattern, it’s a sinking ship! I was a condemned woman when I saw the rest of the finalists, all fresh faced and cool with a sprinkling of intrigue and a dash of confidence you have when you are young.
I am 40 the only sprinkling I have is of jaded realism and was not fresh faced. A sad reality of aging is the bleak actuality of wrinkles and a pallor my mother calls “of the grave”

However, never the less I strode on. It was nice to meet the women I met the week before again. Esther and Anna are lovely women and we all gathered nervously in the contestant row off stage (felt more like death row to me)
I thought I distinctly heard a whisper on the wind “dead man walking” and caught sight of Susan Sarandon dressed in a habit….I think I might have had an off sausage, as I was hallucinating at this point.

When contestants were pushed on their lesbian icons, Pink, Angelina and Portia were high on the list. I fear I must be ill, as mine would have been Nigella Lawson! Her cookery is akin to soft porn. Have you ever watched that women eating a lobster claw? It is practically erotic.

I got a strange comfort from seeing Paris, another contestant from the 2nd heat. We have a lot in common and I felt a pang of comrade kinship. It is like going into battle! Once more into the breach dear friends.

The lovely Leah was looking particularly stunning and well groomed, she does not adhere to my past life philosophies, but she could have been an Egyptian Siren, who called the mariners in from the Dead Sea.
In fact, during what should have been my speech and only time to impress the judges, she launched into a rather impromptu Oleta Adams rendition. It was rather beautiful I have to say, and I didn’t mind her spoiling the meagre chance I had to impress the panel of judges….Only kidding Leah…I will get you back in the next life though.

There was a good atmosphere in there, loads of women gyrating to Lil Jo’s frenetic beats. I am not a DJ connoisseur at all, but I could tell from watching Jo, that a certain type of creative process seems to happen when she is at the decks. Like a stream of consciousness pours into her tiny frame, and the art of her mix comes through. It was quite something to watch actually. I found myself beguiled by this poetry in motion.

Bex, I thought, was a trooper, she had to nestle a champagne bottle between her boobs, and limbo backwards to get a sip. To her credit, she did this, and she took her top off. The women went wild at this point. It was like being at a Siegfried and Roy Vegas show. The women could have pounced at any point. Lion tamers might have had to be brought in, to whip these savage women back.

The question round saw us all pitted together with similar questions. I’m not a competitive person at all, and found the process quite difficult, but the contestants were lovely, and we tried to help each other out.

When it got to my question, there was so much talking at the rear that I had to yell SHUT UP AT THE BACK, probably not the best move in hindsight, but howdy hum. I had to talk about if my Ex came back if I won Miss Gay UK…well like I said, the first thing I would ask for would be my Dyson back and my champagne flutes that she took as revenge for our collapsed relationship. The last spit on the tomb of the relationship was her also taking one toilet roll.

I would have liked to have seen some more older women in the competitions, after all, after 30 lesbians don’t crawl under a proverbial rock and die, living off a meagre diet of Claire Macnab novels and wistfully thinking back to the good old days!

So next year, all of you older lesbians, with wrinkles that show wisdom and love handles that show a life well lived and a plethora of lovers wounds, why not enter Miss Gay UK?

As is probably evident, I did not get through but I must say I really enjoyed the experience, and am happy I did it. I am now also much happier going back to the medium I am comfortable with, and will hopefully be writing a Miss Gay UK blog, in which I would like to interview the finalists.

Congratulations go to the finalist, Shixin Bickerton, who will be going on the Miss Gay UK final in Birmingham on November 9th. Stay tuned for interviews with the finalists and other behind the scenes gossip. Who needs the X Factor when we have a real life contest taking place under our very nose!

X-Factor's Big Lesbian : Jaunt into Miss Gay UK

Before I post my first X-Factor blog I wanted to tell you what BBBL's final swan song was about. My venture in Miss Gay UK heat.


I confess to being extremely nervous as I travelled up to Soho for the second London heat of Miss Gay UK

Any excuse I could find on the way there to exit this ritual humiliation was tried. My wonderful and supportive sister was accompanying me, and I saw an all you can eat buffet for £4.99, “Oh, shall we go there instead, I’m feeling quite partial to a few ducks heads dipped in batter right now?”

My next excuse was derived out of sheer panic “Oh look colonic irrigation, I do feel a bit bogged down; maybe I should just pop in there, drop me cacks and let that rather large looking Polish shot-putter, shove a garden hose up my jacksy and clear me out?”

All was to no avail however, as I was dragged in to the Edge bar to face my fear demon; the dreaded public speaking!

When I met the lovely Leah, Miss Gay UK organiser (she and her partner volunteer their time from full time jobs, to run this event) I was put at ease. My fellow contestants were lovely; all had a story to tell and a special talent to showcase!

Fran could speak Spanish and Italian and put her whole fist in her mouth!! I couldn’t showcase my talent as it involves tantric sex, far too complicated on such a small stage! Esther cracked out a good signing voice, and the others also contributed with unique pizazz.

We were then asked a question that the judges would grade us on. Let me tell you all now, you really put yourself on the line in a thing like this. It could go either way, it could be cringe worthy humiliation, the sort that makes you want to hide your head in your heads and ask Jesus for forgiveness, or you could triumph to an accolade of rapturous applause.

Luckily none of us had to call on the spirit of Jesus for penitence. There was definitely a rowdy rabble in the bar. It was like a scene from the life of Brian, you know the scene where Biggus Dickus comes to the balcony and asks, with desperate lisp,” rewlease brwian” It was that kind of crowd, I feel they could have turned at any moment into a baying hysterical mob! It was fabulous.

My question from the judges was “What do you think of competitions like Miss England, and how would you change it?”

As I was called to the stage to wow with my cunning acumen, my mind froze. I was gripped in the panic that I would not be able to get the words from my mind out through my rather huge gob, but I was fine, I do remember saying something about making the Miss England contestants complete a rubric’s cube in less than three minutes.

Which is strange, seeing as though I couldn’t do a rubric’s cube in less than 3 minutes? I used to peel the stickers on mine and “finish” it that way!

If you were a teenager in the 1980’s you will empathise with this rubric’s cube pressure cooker! We were all at it!! We were cunning in our ways of cheating!


You will be interested to know, ( or maybe not) that by some amazing twist of fate, I managed to get into the London Finals taking place again at the edge bar next Sunday the 16th September.

Leah and Nina, I salute you for all the work you have put into this event, you should get a Richard and Judy badge for commitment!!

BBBL aka XFBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: BB Post Mortem and Autopsy report

Brian wins the elusive BB crown and the bookies are saved from paying out millions if the twins had won. Do you smell a conspiracy….I DO?

I was able to watch the BB finale at Elstree with the Big Mouth crew and I was surprised that Brian had won. I thought the twins had “deffo” got in the bag. Even Madame Du Pravee didn’t pinpoint Brian as the winner, although I predicted it back ages ago, maybe I should be the psychic now?

I will set the scene for you. I am glammed up, well as much as I can be, and sitting with all the housemates from weeks gone by and straight from the house.

We are given champagne (I will use that term loosely, as I suspect it might have been cava) Shabnam is on full alien alert and Lesley, you remember, Mrs WI was saying to me “are you officialdom?” I retorted, “No, I’m just a nutter who has spent every Tuesday in this hell-hole of a studio talking nonsense”

I liked Lesley; she was funny in an upper class sort of way. I had a deep discussion with Carole, who was telling me how dirty the house was and that her land snail had died, and she wondered if I would sit on the dirty diary room chair, as it was riddled with germs and possible Gonorrhoea.
She was concerned about the people who had to go in and clean up! It was not a real house Carole…it was a studio set.

Nicky was lovely, and extremely pretty in real life. I still adhere to the philosophy that she was booted excessively early, and she could have developed more. I will be hoping to get an interview with her shortly to discuss her premature ejaculation from the house!

The nicest person by far was Ziggy. Yes, Yes I know, we should be loathing him. He was really talkative and rather good looking in real life. He mingled with us heathens, and seemed genuinely nice. I had slated that poor bloke on BBBM and now have to make a slight retraction.

I was sitting directly behind the twins who I can now tell you they are not CGI or holograms. They screamed a lot, and I asked them how it felt to be plunged straight into the BBBM studio they said in unison “Oh my god, its like deffo weird and stuff, cos we were like its totally weird, but were dead excited” It was reminiscent to me of the Los Angeles Valley Girls in the mid 90’s, “totally tubular man…I mean like gag me with a spoon dude”

Chanelle was telling everyone her agent wanted to sign them all up. She looked scarily like Victoria Beckham; it was all to single white female for my taste. Does she want her and Ziggy to be the next Posh and Becks?? Or does she secretly desire a lusty lesbian fling with her idol. Be like sleeping with a toast rack wouldn’t it. I would be afraid I would break one of Posh’s ribs in the act of lovemaking. Mr X did tell me she only has two ribs left now, as they were all removed to make her look thinner. However, I do not listen to celebrity gossip!

Wangers was there, but I did not get to speak to her as she was too busy mopping up the wine she spilt down her top. Tracey was wearing that bloody piccalilli cardigan again, that was bordering on threadbare

So let us get to the autopsy of BB. In regards to entertainment, I would have to say that it had necrosis and therefore was not very entertaining. In regards to sex and scandal, there was the Emily debacle and the chiggy sex scene. Chanelle has told heat magazine that Ziggy is “so dumped”. I imagine that will be after the copious amounts of money that they have made from every sleazy tabloid desperate enough to write about the romance of the summer.

Mr X and Madame Du Pravee had elected to move with me to my new venture The X Factor’s Big Lesbian that will start on Saturday on this very blog page!

Therefore, I will bid you adieu from Big Brother’s Big Lesbian this season, and can tell you I will be auditioning for BB9! Someone has to represent the lesbians!

Oh, and thank you to whoever it was that entered me into Miss Gay UK (heat two) which takes place at the Edge bar in Soho this Sunday!! I am not adverse to a bit of ritual humiliation, but only if it involves someone else!!

Ta Ta for now

BBBL