Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Charley and the BB PR factory.

Mr X is back from Leeds, with a knapsack full of shocking revelations and a nasty case of crabs. We had a talk about it, and the implications it has on his professional acumen, and he did say that it was an unfortunate accident.

Apparently, he was sent to a Leeds nightclub trying to find one of the many men that Chanelle has claimed to have bagged. He was pointed, by a man called Doug, to the RINNERS Nightclub, a favourite haunt of Poshish Spice.
Due to a mix up with the cab driver and his lack of comprehension for the English language, he ended up in RIMMER’S nightclub instead. There, a burly man with chaps on took him to his “office” as he said he had proof of Chanelle’s dalliances on CCTV, the rest the say is History. Mr X did see a faded poster on the wall of Northern Line though. Maybe Ziggy has a slim change of a career on the gay club circuit. Along with the Krankies and Bonnie Langford.

I had a root through the knapsack for all juicy morsels of scandal that Mr X uncovered. It seems that the poisonous asps are closer to home. Big Brother bosses are so desperate to keep Charley in the house, that they fabricate footage, or in several instances “lose” footage altogether. I think BB is the same as New Labour. It is almost akin to the conspiracy of JFK. The twins were the lone gunmen on the grassy knoll. A new housemate called Lee Harvey Oswald will be sent into the house, and will be arrested, because he calls Charley vile. I have called David Icke, and he is sending in an undercover runner for Endelmol. The man, who I cannot name, starts tomorrow, as the camera run cleaner. All footage he gets will be feed via satellite link to David’s HQ in Battersea Rise. It will be stripped of all white noise, so you will not hear a word from Charley.

So once again mammoth breasts is up for eviction, along with Tracey and Billi. BB punished Charley severely for talking about nominations. Her punishment involved her being let off the public vote. I guess having a face like Charley’s is punishment enough.

Poor old Carole, the woman is reduced to eating slops, and Tracey is bumming in the Phat Stack, cos it aint gravey no more. Billi is wanking off to his own reflection. The twins are plotting a cunning plan, to overtake the world, and Chiggy are being as repellent as ever. To be honest, I am losing the will to live. I’m being seduced over to BBC by the series Rome. All the lesbian action a girl could want, with murder and intrigue, politics and bestiality. Another bonus, there are some mighty hot women in the series too!

I will get over my BB slump, we all have them, like a long-term relationship, it peaks and troughs. I am sure as soon as I see the secret cave opened, it will become addictive again.

I called Madame Du Pravee with my BB blues concern, and she did a channelling session on my behalf. Expecting Shakespeare to come through, she was shocked to have channelled the spirit of Janis Joplin. It seems that Shakespeare is still smarting over the Brian comment, and is spending his time in the hallowed halls of Wimbledon haunting the Ladies locker room.

Janis was in fine fettle. She hinted that” upstairs” as they call it, have a show similar to Big Brothers Big Mouth, in which they discuss BB. Nostradamus hosts it, but apparently, he does not let anyone get a word in and is always saying, “Told you so!” Nostradamus had this to say about Friday’s eviction

The house will be stripped of its forces by fraud,
The bathroom blockaded, passages for the spy;
Two false friends will come to a slanging match
And awaken hatred for a long time dormant.

Mr X and I are meeting on Friday as big things are afoot, hopefully the antibiotics and cream will have soothed Mr X’s affliction by then.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The Da "Twin" ci Code

With Mr X away on an undercover mission in Leeds uncovering the suspicious claims of the BB I.Q test, in which Chanelle scored the highest, I was given a rare day off, so called upon the half-dead poets society.

We all convened at the Pig and Whistle's back room, especially kept for poker nights, and clandestine showings of The O.C.

Our society has been running for over a decade, and this meeting was set up to discuss BB and the possibility that the twins might be involved in an international cover up hiding the secrets of the universe. Our society is almost like a religion, we are also known as the Dopus Gay in certain eclectic circles, although we do not feel the need to flagellate ourselves with whips, well only if we want to, our main aim is to get word out that Ruth Kelly is indeed a gay woman. The half-dead poets’ society started after we all attended a Pam Ayres poetry reading with special guest the artist formerly known as Ken Dodd.

Our little group consists of some prominent social figures. “The Albino” is 5 ft 7 and used to be an ex racing greyhound who was found roaming the streets of Walthamstow. She has a compulsion to talk, and has to be subdued with a cloth muzzle and a dried out pigs ear. Ms J, daughter of the infamous Secret Squirrel, the espionage spy of the 1970’s, is an informant for Her Majesty Prison, and has a Dildo fetish, which can get the better of her at times. She also needs to be subdued with large amounts of morphine and hypnosis involving the image of KD Lang naked. There are others, but they are famous, and I have promised to protect their identity. What I can say is “We are not amused”

After several tequilas and Cuban cigars, the topic of the twins stepped into high gear. Through the acrid layer of cigar smoke, an interesting hypothesis was born. Are the twins the conduits for the secret knowledge of the universe? The Albino’s allegorical slant is that they are micro-chipped in their brains, and when a certain word is said, they omit a small frequency wave to a sub station in Kazakhstan where large German women called Ingrid decode it. We think the word is hair straighteners but need that confirmed by Liam’s homing pigeons who land on the Angel of the North at sunrise, when the code will be illuminated. Mr X will be called back from Leeds, to check out this lead.

The housemates talked of our consultant Shakespeare this week, and he was so appalled that Brian thought he was a cocktail drink, that he has declined to comment, until he has calmed down. How can so little, be known by so many in such a small house? It is obvious that BB researchers were not combing the halls of Mensa in their quest for housemates. but wandered into the halls of Mecca Bingo instead, Number 11….Charley’s IQ…..

In a rare glimpse of humour in Elstree this week, Charley has been put into a caravan with Forest Gump. Poor old Brian, I would imagine being shacked up with Charley would be like Chinese water torture….If I send a photo of Charley to the Rate My Poo website, I wonder if she would get a full score?

Tracey has been quiet, I thought I saw her floating down Glastonbury high street in her Phat tent but was mistaken, it was actually Vinny Jones. The toaster and kettle went missing on Friday morning, and it was only after Carole took her bra off, did they realise that they had accidentally been caught under her right breast. The worrying thing about it was, also under there was a TV remote, a packet of pork scratchings and a Ford Fiesta.

Gerry is missing Seany, after he was evicted on Saturday, wearing a tea cosy on his head, and Chanelle and Ziggy’s relationship is off and on like a nuns knickers at Evensong.

Ziggy and Chanelle will soon be at it in the secret room, an act I certainly do not want to witness. It is bad enough we have no lesbian action, but worse still to see Cliff Richard and Victoria Beckham going at it hammer and tongs. I am sure heat magazine will do a five-page spread of Chiggy in a stately home draped over a chez-lounge wearing leopard print clothing, looking deceptively happy. I am sure I would be happy at £500,000 in my pocket for a fake romance too.

When I get word of the Leeds story, I will make sure I break it as soon as I can. Until then, let me leave you with an ancient Chinese Proverb for Brian Gump.

“Man who sleeps in same caravan as Piranha will end up getting his testicles bitten”

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The French Connection

Another nomination call rolls around, and Mr X has returned from South East London with news of Interpol chasing the rapper formerly known as 43pence.
Mr X spent a rather nasty afternoon at CATFISH BOB’S GYM in an undisclosed location sniffing the jockstraps of boxers to get the scoop for us.

43pence has been missing for 20 days, and rumours abound in every pie ‘n’ mash shop in the area, that the rapper has donned women’s clothes, and entered the Big Brother House.
They can do wonders with make up these days, I mean look at Vanessa Feltz, but I could not quite place it. In a moment of inspiration, and help from Madame Pravee, I managed to get a picture of Charley and with help of Photoshop, and a very cute soft butch woman called Mandy (aren’t they all), we took Charley’s hair off. Well, I know we all have doppelgangers, but this was almost symbiotic. Charley is 43pence. First, benefit fraud, now impersonating an IT girl. The woman needs a prison cell.

Talking of money, all eyes have been on Davina tonight, mine especially, as I had a dream about her and me, a tub of onken mousse and a Thornton’s chocolate fountain but I digress. The £100,000 was up for grabs tonight and after minimal discussion, Liam the Tree surgeon scooped the lot. Charley has already been sniffing around like a bloodhound on heat. Not bad for a nights work Liam, think of all the trees you can help with Dutch elm disease.

Nominations are always an emotive subject, this week is no different. Carole, once again, has been sent to the lions of Elstree, along with Seany and Jonathon. I will continue to stand by Carole, not only because of her Bisexual standing and large flopping breasts, but because she is clean. No one can get a toilet sparkling like our Carole, not even the skinny Mr muscle man. Keep the women in, I am imploring you!

Seany, I hope, is getting his eviction outfit ready. It is bound to consist of a sweatband, 12-inch record on a chain, topped off by a tight fitting technicoloured dream coat. I hope every door will be closed to him, so we will not have to see his florid face again.

Jonathan who looks scarily like Dr Spock, will I expect, exact some Vulcan death grip on another housemate if he is evicted. Maybe he will try to fry Nikki’s brain by telepathic force, and convince her that she does find him attractive. Live long and prosper Jonathon, just not on our TV screens.

In true French Anglo relations, BB decided to do the swim the channel task. I wanted to see them all lathered up in goose fat, but BB decided to go for the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang style instead. Chanelle, due to minus million degree cold, could not manage more than 14 lengths of the pool. Ah bless, must be hard swimming in Nicole Ritchie’s sunglasses. The other housemates have remained under the radar, but Mr X is about to break open Pandora’s box. Is Pandora a new housemate you ask?

I have it on top authority, even Blair does not know this, that Tracey will be “aveing it” in her own “phat”tent in the BB mock up of the Glastonbury festival, taking place in the BB garden. Special measures have been assigned to guarantee authenticity. Ecoli will be syringed into the food, and a drug dealer called Percy, will be loitering about near the smoking area, like the tambourine man, with a cacophony of illicit pharmaceuticals. The twins will be centre stage, doing the “Macarena” and Ziggy will of course be singing his classic Summer Holiday. Sue Barker, who is cryogenically frozen every year until Wimbledon starts, will be joining Ziggy in a feeble attempt to make him look straight.

Madame Pravee was asked to go on Sixth sense with Colin Fry this week, but as a loyal fan, decided a session with Shakespeare would be more beneficial, and also confessed to a dislike of men that looked like Roland Rat. Hee Hee rats fans…

Shakespeare decided on a tragic spiritual siphoning this time. He is also sporting a new haircut, and has taken a liking to the clothes of Pierre Cardin. These other realm beings can be very shallow. Forget the image of harps and angels on clouds. This season in heaven, it is all about tailored suits and tickets to Wimbledon. Maybe the spirit of Arthur Ashe can come back and give Mauresmo a bit of a help with her inconsistent form.

Thanks William for our new Channel. Enjoy your shopping at Brent Cross this weekend.

“A glooming peace this evening with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head: Go hence, to have more talk of these food things; Some shall be pardon'd with £100,000 and some punished. For never was a story of more woe.Than this of Carole, Seany and the Gigolo.”

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Close Encounters of the Shabnam Kind

So fellow BB addicts, what a spectacle we witnessed tonight. Mr X is off on a fact-finding mission in South East London; his first stop was the unemployment office, and then the benefits fraud department. The feeling from the conspiracy camp is that one of the housemates, who have the uncanny resemblance in mannerisms to Nikki (scrotum forehead) Grahame, will be arrested on her departure from the BB house.

Bufora, the British wing of the UFO department, called to say that there was a huge UFO flap over Elstree at 10.05 pm. One craft, described as the mothership, hovered over the BB house for 10 mins prior to the eviction.

One witness, who prefers to remain anonymous, said, “The craft lingered effortlessly, and when Shabnam was ejected from the house, sent down a piercing beam of light, rendering the entire crowd motionless for a few seconds”.

Barbara Jones, at the eviction by default, due to a mix up with her “Deal or no Deal” tickets saw this light phenomenon too and described it as “like the hand of Michael Jackson had come down and pointed straight at Shabnam”. Shortly after this missing time episode, Shabnam was displaying Michael Jackson tendencies. Shamone!!

Shabnam, your people are hailing you to enter the mothership, perhaps your magazine and television deals will have to occur on you’re own planet! I am sure Nexus magazine might put you on the front page as proof of ET existence.

As the pleiades residents were readying Shabnam back into their pod, three other men entered the BB house.

Liam is a tree surgeon; I hope Laura will not be stationary for too long, as he might try to fell her legs. Bless her though; they will have to chisel that eye mask from her head at the end!

Billi is a model, oh yawn yawn, I’ve seen better hair on a toilet brush at Euston Station lavatories, come on BB, give us someone with at least 2 brain cells. If it were not for Tracey, Carol and perhaps Gerry, watching BB would have reduced my IQ by at least half.

Brian, who, at least has a normal job like the rest of us, is a self confessed “ladies man” and wants to get his own way. Well Brain you will have to join a very long queue.

Last, and certainly least is Jonathan, a media whore who has made at least a million pounds promoting idiots with no talent. Doesn’t this Beg the question, why does he need to whore himself further?
I hope he might donate his winnings to charity, if by slim chance he is still in one piece after Charley finds out he has wealth. That girl could smell money inside a hermetically sealed box from three miles away. That unemployed sniffer box is well honed.

My BB informant has leaked to me that Richard Branson, new sponsor with Virgin Mobile, will enter the house personally and challenge the housemates with a task!

I bet it will involve trying and sit with your legs up in your face, whilst attempting to eat a packet of virgin airlines peanuts, when the person in front reclines, so you have to slip under your seat to watch BORAT on an impossibly small screen! All this while a small child cries constantly whilst kicking the back of the seat...Oh wait...hang on,we all do that task when we fly with Mr Branson's airline! Chicken or Beef? I am sure they would argue about those food choices as well.

The gormless twinettes are still preening. When announced by Big Brother that they would be immersed into a large sardine can filled with fish guts and fish brine, they went into robotic blusher frenzy. Then, when one of them was lowered into the sardine tin, they had an episode of screaming that would befit garroting, perhaps having your fingernails pulled off and then plunged into rock salt might have warranted such a banshee wail.

The only lesbian action was between Shabnam and Chanelle. Isn’t it funny that when a woman housemate is nominated to face the public vote, they immediately grab the first female within spitting distance and snog them. Do they think this will plug the hemorrhage of votes for them by us? God, it was like witnessing a scene from Silence of the Lambs. They would argue over the fava beans and the Chianti, instead of realising a sadist maniac was disemboweling them.

Mr X ,did this week ,receive a note by the gifted Channel Madame Du Pravee. She claims to have exclusive access to the spirit of William Shakespeare, who is watching BB from above. The note, hot from the channel session with Shakespeare, is in its entirety and listed below. (This is the only Big Brother blog to have Shakespeare as a consultant)

"This is by far our summer of discontent. Made glorious by this sun of Elstree. And all the clouds that lour'd upon our BB house. In the deep bosom of the Carole woman. Now are our brows bound with failed tasks. Our bruised arms hung up for monuments; Our stern alarums chang'd to constant bickering."

Keep tuned for Mr X and his confidential report. BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who goes from the Phat Stack?

As I pulled into the Cardiff Asda and made my way to the wastes bins, I could see Mr X by the silhouette of his trilby. There was another figure, veiled against the backdrop of the blue recycle vat. I vaguely recognised this figure, call it instinct, and when they moved towards me, I knew exactly who it was by the friction sparks created by his blue shell suit.

“Big Brother’s Big Lesbian” he said in a familiar tone.

“David Icke, good to see you again!” I replied; with hope in my heart that some conspiracy scandal was about to break out in the BB house!

I was handed an A4 envelope, and they dispersed into the Welsh night, all that was visible were intermittent sparks of viscose on viscose. Mr X had not spoken tonight, so I knew it was going to be something only David Icke could deal with.

What explosive reading that was! I had to return the dossier, rolled inside a copy of HEAT magazine, drop it inside the second waste bin outside the Eastern side of the Templar Church, and say, “Beetle juice” three times with my eye closed.

Before I download this information straight into your subconscious minds, I must first deal with the goings on at BB central, as all will become apparent.

Gerry and Seany conducted Apprentice style interviews to pick two other housemates to be nominators. In their infinite wisdom, they chose the twins! Alan Sugar, where are you when we need you! Seany can’t choose a decent outfit to wear in the morning, let alone pick a person to decide the fate of another human being.

Seany has to be the most repellent housemate in the history of BB. Mr X is on the case, and assures me there is plenty of scuttlebutt where he is concerned. He failed a psychology test for Bad Lad’s Army, so was turned down, and managed to squirm his way into the BB house instead.

The twins, who did a “we get to nominate” victory dance routine, inspired by Vanilla Ice, went on to help with the demise of Carole, Tracey and Shabnam. They are all nominated to face the public vote this week.

Ziggy is having a phantom love affair with Chanelle. Our dog used to have phantom pregnancies, like Makosi, and it reminds me of Ziggy and his insecure poetic statements he makes to Ivana Be-a-Beckham.

Laura is still walking around in her PJ’s and eye mask, complete with Cheetah style housecoat. Nikki is scout mistress in charge of the food. Charley, by some miraculous intervention by god, has managed to avoid the public vote. Personally, I am gutted about that, I could not shift those paving slabs, and could have used them for her rowdy exit from the house. Why wasn’t she nominated to face the public?

Anyway, back to my Above Top Secret dossier. A certificate gained from Project Blue Book, shows that one of the nominated housemates up for eviction this week , was given US citizenship, on July 4th 1947, from Roswell, New Mexico.

They had an air crash into a farmer’s field, and could not return to their own “country” They have been sent to the BB house to gain acceptance from the British public, and to infiltrate the media.

According to the dossier, they have the look of any human, but the difference is, they are noticed, for their large staring almond eyes that hold the look of surprise at all times, and they are slightly socially inept. They are shape shifters, but for at least one hour a day, need to adapt to their original form. This also happens upon their waking, spontaneously, so they have to quickly integrate into the human form to avoid detection.

Now, who do you know, who is socially inept, has large freaky staring eyes and looks suspiciously alien in the morning? Who goes you decide!

Tracey, I hope you stay on in the Phat BB stack and ave it for longer. Carole, I would miss your self-dialogue and big bosoms too much, so it looks like Shabnam needs to “phone home”

Mr X is going to uncover any lesbian liaisons from any of the women housemates. We want hot lezzer action, and we want it now. The twin groping doesn't count, as that's just creepy! Mr X the entire Diva readership is relying on you!

Women’s Stage in Soho

Saturday 30th June 2007

It's summer, when you can throw off the layers of woolies, expose your beer gut ant get out to some jammin' festivals. And what better to kick off the season that some of the finest lady talent around?

For the exact location log on to www.myspace.com/pridelondonwomen
3pm DJ Lil'Jo (Miss-shapes &; Play) from channel 4's Shipwrecked fame!!
3.25pm Band Lilth’s Army
3.45pm DJ Cautious (Freedom)
4.20pm Comedian Zoe Lyons (Pride Patron)
4.40pm DJ Lea Andrews (Lower the Tone, OCD)
5.00pm Band Invocal
5.20pm Comedian Rosie Wilby. Finalist at Funny Women 2006
5.40pm Band The Veez
6.00pm DJ Caz Coronel (Candy Bar)
6.25pm Band - SaltPeter 6.45pm DJ SandraD (Queeralternative, Miss-shapes, Play)
7.10pm Band Low Fi Girl
7.30pm Band Voodoo Hussy - currently in the Emergenza, large unsigned bands competition, playing semi finals at CARGO on sunday 10th June, the finals are in Germany alongside Pink
8.00pm Stage Closes

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Jam, Jerusalem and 1 new joke.

I was awoken from a blood-curdling dream last night. In this dream, I was one of the Egg Guinea pigs, and I was trapped in the garden of the BB house. That freaky bubble music was on replay, and I had to jump through hoops in my little leotard and legwarmers! Just when I was at the point of exhaustion, a giant hand tapped on the glass, pointing to Charley, and it was just about to reveal a life mystery when Mr X decided to disturb my slumber.

Therefore, I cannot reveal to you that morsel of dimensional wisdom; all I can tell you is….Mr X divulged that at 4.47am, a splinter cell of the Guildford WI, dressed in full S.W.A.T gear, broke into the garden of the BB house. Armed with a Victoria sponge message cake, they called for Lesley to quit the BB house and join their rogue faction.

They were finally tamed by three security guards and a schooner of Bristol Cream sherry and escorted off the premises.

At 9.15 am, Lesley left the Big Brother house after admitting that the pleas of these tortured women had been too much for her to bear and that secretly the sponge cake had seemed a little “arid”. Not wanting to spark fears for the integrity of the WI sponge cake, Lesley decided to take over the helm of her new ship.

Big Brother, in a rare feat of compassion, agreed to state to the media that Lesley was bored and had better things to do with her time. Lesley I salute you. Damn fine show old bean.

Meanwhile, the two new boys, Gerry and Seany are getting used to their new digs. Gerry has a degree in archaeology. Maybe he can excavate the twins’ minds and actually uncover a thought! He seems pleasant enough, and at least he has some experience other than Victoria Beckham, shoes, fame, money, career climbing, NUTS magazine and FHM. Chanelle thinks that an ancient civilisation is a 1986 disco song by Boney M.

Think Ziggy knows his little harem is under threat. I want to see Gerry on full schmooze alert, so Ziggy will have to work for his 15 mins of Z list fame (again) Seany, on the other hand, seems to be struggling with himself. His picture on the website shows him as a frenzied John McEnroe look-a-like, with a pinch of Mick Hucknall. I mean who wears a white sweatband these days. Perhaps in the early eighties, when we were trying to emulate Bjorn Borg, it might have seemed “cool?”

On him, it just looks like a pathetic attempt to appear “cool” that has hideously backfired. I hope that was just his way of getting onto BB in the first place, and now he is in there, can scintillate us with Irish wit and Charm.

Needs to lose the record necklace…that was just cringe worthy and embarrassing. Seemingly easy-going, or so he tells us, I can see real problems arising with him. An element to him is unhinged. Tracey is not the only one harbouring an attachment. At least she is comfortable with hers. "Ave ittttttttttt"

Carole, to her credit once again, has kept it real. Not liking that swimming cossy though! Did learn from her that one teaspoon of semen has 180 million sperm! You just cannot buy info like that. Chanelle, when told this fact, in true Beckham style said “God, that's a lot of calories!"

Trace is fast becoming a favourite. Laura is lovely, although I really wish the girl had thought about the PJ situation. The rest we will deal with later, when they actually do anything of note. I'm hoping I will have something to say on the mute duo.

Talking of twins, my guest (who I can only call “Whippet Lips”) and I went to Elstree for Big Brother’s Big Mouth. The cheeky girls were guest speakers! I could barely hold back my excitement at it all. Whippet Lips spoke and I was barbarically denied my say, due I think, to the fact that I was caught making meow sounds and the presenter was George Galloway.
Big Mouth is not the same beast I remember from last year. I hope it finds it feet, and looks for more inspirational presenters. Avid Merrion is on next week, so things are looking up.

Thanks Whippet Lips for being such a sport. Keep tuned for Mr X's report. He says that he thinks the BB bosses will start to leave clues so they can find the secret garden! BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: NEWSFLASH

Oh dear, Oh dear. Emily " I-Wannabe-A-Hilton" will not be able to face the public stoning on Friday, as she has been booted out of the Big Brother House.

She was asked to leave at 3.30 am this morning, after commenting on Charley's dance moves. How Charley manages to dance in full Eskimo gear is beyond me. Emily, who was obviously, in her mind,trying to speak to Charley on her level, resorted to some bizarre Bristol Ghetto language, and ended up saying the N word!

After "Shilpa-Gate" earlier this year, it seems Channel 4 have taken concise action, and removed Emily for racial abuse.

As much as Channel 4 must be commended for this action, I have now got 4 bags of gravel and ten tonnes of paving slabs to shift! I was so looking forward to seeing Emily walk the gallows. I wonder if Emily will now join Jade Goody in the bleak wilderness of TV slip ups. Emily, I'm sure, might be able to get a extra part in Ballamory, if she's lucky.

Maybe, like Jade, Emily will have to do a remorseful tour of South-East London, dressed in Eskimo boots and a curtain pelmet. So much for a Friday's eviction.

The vote logos are now conspicuously vacant from the website. Well, not to worry, a gay guy called Ross, is rumoured to be chomping at the bit to enter the house. Ross, whose best friends include Imogen and Sezer....hmmmm....I'm starting to see a character flaw already, states that he can turn a straight guy gay within nanoseconds!

I don't see any straight men in the house, well maybe Tracey! So I will keep my watchful eye open and keep you posted. Until then I had better get logged onto EBAY and shift those damn slabs!

Big Brother's Big Lesbian

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Here we go!

ATTENTION: Want to win a free ticket to join Big Brother's Big Lesbian at the filming of BB Big Mouth this Friday? Details at the end of this blog...

As Big Brother's Big Lesbian I have resigned myself to the fact that I will have no summer, and I can accept that. The BB onslaught has started again and my source at Endemol, who I will call "MR X", has given me some juicy titbits. Mr X is not unlike the "smoking man" in the X Files. If I leave a cross on my window made out of duct tape, he knows to meet me behind the bins at Asda,in-between the green bottles receptacle and the bin where all those hideous stale hedgehog breads are thrown. We exchange glances from under our trilbys and he hands me an envelope... So from now on, when I put Mr X, you will know of whom I speak!!!

So, the girls and token male are in residence at the Big Brother Asylum, and to be frank, of all of the many thousands of people that auditioned, this is what we end up with!! I notice the conspicuous lack of lesbians again this year!!! They refused to acknowledge my advice for an all lesbian household!! Talk about all the drama/sex/arguments that you could have shaken a stick at... but that's their loss.

Okay I must confess that I have a crippling fear of twins, so this will be a long summer!! There main aim in life is to "buy things pink, and go to theme parks" They did a random twin break dance/body popping routine that would not have looked at of place at a care in the community event. Mr X has told me that they went to have nose reconstruction surgery before BB, but by some cruel twist of fate, Teddie and Babs from the Beverley sisters were also in at the same time, and Amanda and Sam ended up having the Beverley Sisters double lobotomy. I'm not sure anyone has noticed yet. Hope they get evicted on Friday!!

Carole, Carole, Carole!!! Our little Bi Sister. I can't listen to her bleeding heart,vitriolic rants on the state of the third world, or oppression of Muslim women in Afghanistan. It's not that I don't want to listen, or that I don't care. The real fact of it is, she has the most enormous pair of breasts I have ever seen. They are like tools for hypnosis!! I find myself transfixed in an apoplectic state. I think about all the hunger in the world and realise she could feed half of Africa on one boob! She did try to mediate a "house meeting" ( and I use this phrase in its loosest sense) but no-one seemed to care. Perhaps they are also in a mammary trance . Mr X says that BB executives had to commission NASA to create a holder to keep the beasts at bay, using old heat shield tiles from the space shuttle and a couple of nose cones from SPUTNIK. Want to see past the boobs and hear if she has anything worthy to say.

Chanelle. The Chav mans version of Chanel. Spiritual inspiration is Victoria Beckham. Wants to be famous. Maybe she could get into the Guinness book of records as having the lowest IQ ever recorded. Her attempts at trying to snag Ziggy are, up till now, going unnoticed. Although her date with Ziggy looks promising. Mr X tells me that although she has repeatedly written to Victoria, and loitered around the gates of Beckenham Palace, the restraining order still stands and her pleas are being brutally rebuffed. Victoria was quoted as saying in the Anorexic Gazette " Chanelle is too needy for me to befriend, and the risk is she might sleep with David, and I cant have that. My new LA boutique is about to open and I've already fallen out with Katie Cruise-Holmes over her saying I was "twee". Chanelle needs to read a book and get a life, maybe she might grow on me!!

Charley is by far the gobbiest most sycophantically motivated housemate this year. Her cousin's ex-boyfriend's dog's shampooer, is a friend, so she has the in with the WAG set. Doing BB as she has nothing better to do... Oh yes, she's unemployed.. That's right... Boring aint it!!! Life philosophy includes being a celebrity and to be on page 3 of Nuts magazine. I'm so happy that Channel 4 decide to represents the UK's finest!! She thinks Frank Lampard is a twat, as she met him in a nightclub. She is already in an epic battle for alpha female status with Emily. I find her Eskimo boots with Daisy Dukes a little disconcerting! As much as she dresses up she still looks slightly low rent. I must admit though, she has spirit, so I would like to see if the first few days are just her being a d*ckhead. Hope she develops over the series. I will be watching her. Chance she might be booted on Friday though. Mr X says there will be more Gossip to come out on her in the next few weeks. The Daily Mirror are relying on it.

Emily. I can't even say her name without wanting to spit nails. Says that she and her sisters are the Paris Hilton's of Bristol. Are her sisters in a Bristol Correctional Facility serving time for drunk driving offences also?? Not dissimilar to Mr Ed, has a penchant for annoying arrogance and condescension. Thinks she's smart, but with the average IQ in the house probably under that of a brain damaged whelk, that's not much of a statement to make. Mr X says that she failed her intelligence test on a job interview as "salad sorter" on the MacDonald's Big Mac counter. Isn't interested in getting fame from BB, but is a DRAMA STUDENT... hmmm... what's that I smell...ohh Yes, it's bullshit. I hope that Charley inserts one of her Eskimo boots up Ms I-wannabe-a Hilton's west country arse on her way out on Friday. Think she will still be around next week though....

Laura. The Welsh Nanny from the valleys. Talks about food a lot and seems very genuine. Could it be possible that she might, in fact be "normal". I'm sure in the next few weeks I will be forced to eat my words. Slightly suspicious as she is taking a back seat and not creating too many waves. Mr X says that he unearthed a birth certificate claiming that Laura was in fact the secret love child and Jo Brand and Bernard Manning. When they found out they offered a Welsh Woman they found in the phone book, a one off payment for raising Laura. Hope she scrapes through the nominations and stays so we can relish in some welsh one liners. Needs to dump the Bet Lynch Pyjamas.

Lesley, aka anyone's History teacher at school. Now, I LOVE the Women's Institute. A fine and credible British association. I can make a great Victoria Sponge courtesy of the WI. I even bought the calendar. It was the sight of large floppy boobs well hidden by various baked goods that was too much to ignore. I stand alone in my like for Lesley. Yes she moans, yes she whines, yes she wouldn't be able to understand what "poking about in your lady garden meant" but it is refreshing to see an older lady in the house. I like her Germaine Greer appeal, but am perplexed as to why she went into the house!! In the diary room stated it was a good time to leave now, but then backtracked by letting BB decide her fate. When caught crying into her duvet retorted she was "sniffing her mattress" Is that A WI trait? She could do a half hour cooking slot in the house. I eager to learn how to make a moist Madeira cake. Fear that she will be back in the WI selling threadbare teddies on the Tombla Stall by Saturday!! The old girls days are numbered me thinks.

Nicky seems to be a contender for the lesbian of the house award. Hates men with a passion but would sleep with Callum Best. Well he's more of a woman than I am, so that doesn't count. That just means she has incredibly bad taste. Thinks she is an enigma and that we, the meek British public, will have to unpick her mysterious threads, to reach the essence of her. Not convinced about that. She seems as enigmatic as a cube of cheese on a cheese pineapple stick. Perhaps given the benefit of the doubt, she might end up being all she claims she is!! Well,all we care about is, Is she a goddamn lesbian? Got a shite birthday present from BB. Mr X whispers that all is not as it seems, rumour has it she has more in her lady garden than meets the eye!! Not sure of her staying power.

Shabnam claims she has boundless energy and will woo us with her larger than life personality. Tries to come across as a modern day Yoda.Well my reply to that is “Not if anything to say about it I have” I feel utterly luke warm about Shabnam, and she will have to pull out all the stops to live up to her own hype. Maybe she will answer life's most confusing conundrums whilst picking her spots in the bathroom mirror. Not convinced but maybe her inner Yoda will start to shine more brightly. Mr X can't be bothered to find anything about her.

Tracey the Phat Carrier bag collector. If Tracey is 36 then I am concerned that all her "raves" are by some weird chance accelerating the aging process in some Freaky Friday osmosis. Will never go to another festival again in fear of contracting this weird osmosis virus. Got to be the only true lesbian in the house.Thanks Endemol!! Does have interesting things to say like "Come on ave it like yeah...cool." Propensity to slight demonic possession. There is a possibility she might be harbouring an incubus..or if you're a lesbian would that be a succubus?? Inquiring minds want to know!! Well if she is, would that rate on BB betting as the first couple to have sex in the house? Interplanetary sex...now that's worth a thought....that would be Phat!! Already embroiled in a scandal. "Pissgate" started during the team meet, when she was unveiled as a person that urinates in the shower. The other housemates didn't want to get impetigo from her waste products!! Looks like a poodle on crack. Think she might blossom though.....hope she will have s*x with her succubus and relax into the BB experience.

Ziggy used to be a band member of Northern Line...how sad that he couldn't even make Celebrity Big Brother....one of his other band mates is working in Gourmet Burger...wow love on the Northern Line really didn't fill the piggy bank did it. Ziggy is dating the ladies in a marathon dinner debacle. If he was a model then there is hope for Chanelle after all. Looking to reinstate his minor celebrity status from his old band days. You never know he might be headlining at Chicago's Nightclub in Peckham by September.Slimy little git ,that in my opinion seems very gay. Mr X says that the Chariots Spa in Streatham is his favourite hangout and he double dates with two men called Clive who wear leather chaps and aren't adverse to buggery. Hope he lasts as long as his previous career.....

Okay The nominations are in and Ziggy has decided that its Emily Hilton and Shabnam to face eviction this Friday. Let the public stoning begin. I'm pleased as I will be taking my bag of gravel and ten tonnes of paving slabs in hopes of throwing my wares at Ms Emily.

I will also be on Big Brother's Big Mouth and have an extra ticket for any DIVA reader brave enough to vent their spleen on TV. Email carol@millivres.co.uk to enter. You will need to be at Elstree Studios at 9pm this Friday 8 June. DIVA is not responsible for travel arrangements. Entries close at noon on Friday 8 June.

Keep tuned my lovelies for the next instalment of Big Brother's Big Lesbian.