I'm a Celebrity's Big Lesbian: Brian is out and other jungle conspiracy whispers.

Good Day Jungle fans. I have just been on the phone with Ant and Dec, and they have been telling me that the Jungle drums are beating with words of a conspiracy.

Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll? Did they ever really go to the moon? Are the royals really reptilian lizards that shake off there human disguises after a long day fox hunting in Balmoral. Inquiring minds want to know?

Firstly, our Martina is still there. Loving her. Lets face it after going head to head with Steffi Graf, she could do anything.

I got a text the other day from a random woman called Ingrid. This enigmatic text said this. " My money is on Martina to win, she's been eating bush tucker for years".......Ingrid, in bad taste, but somewhat mildly amusing. Please leave you re jungle jokes on the comments section underneath. The winner will receive a kangaroo willy, 12 grub worms and a thoroughly good thrashing from Martina!

So Brian has left and he confesses it was all too much. He managed to restore peace and harmony to the village and could walk away a happy man. I think we should award him the Nobel Peace Prize for such valiant work. Brian......I salute you!!

I was sad to see Esther go the woman is iconic! I remember that dog that talked on her show....you know the dog that said sausages, and recited Shakespearean poetry whilst smoking a pipe in a dinner jacket. Esther we all salute you! I laughed at her asking Nicole for sex, well intimating that. Nicole would have Esther for breakfast. Death by mammary ( not a bad way to go)

David has sparked an Orwellian conspiracy at jungle domination. He has been trying to get Nicole onside. I doubt whether the man from Dollar could get any kind of domination. Its not really a conspiracy is it, need something moire juicy to quantify it as a full blown conspiracy.

Like Ant and Dec really work for the CIA, and have bugged the camp under the guise of a TV show, in order to get confessions from the Celebs as to where they are keeping the Ark of the Covenant. I reckon Nicole is hiding it in her cleavage, along with all the lost socks in the world and my bloody TV remote!

Until later I bid you farewell, but will leave you with this Chinese proverb. He who scratches arse at night, wakes with smelly finger......that's for you Timmy!

BBBL

I'm a celebrity's Big Lesbian: The silk is out...Martina still in.

Our Martina has survived the first Celeb cull in the jungle. Old Kilroy Silk was booted out last night. Trust our Martina to make it into the third set, bless her.

This is a weird Jungle one this year, an eclectic mix to be sure. I have still found myself gagging at the Z Lister's gagging on testicles and penis parts.

I was shocked at how small a kangaroo willy is, I wonder if all the female kangaroos sit around saying to each other, over a cup of tea and a bourbon biccy " Bloody Bruce, just doesn't touch the sides bless him.....We've tried the Roo Willy Volumiser, but it didn't work!"

Anyway back to Martina, who is definitely conducting herself in a fine manner. I had a dream last night that Chrissy Everett-Lloyd walked into the jungle, and her and Martina engaged in a passionate Jungle tryst. I always dreamed that as a child, that after a rather decent tennis match between the two, they would leap over the Wimbledon centre court net, and embrace each other!! I also wanted wonder woman to fly into my room, but that didn't happen either.

I confess to having a huge soft spot for cockney Jo! I always liked him in East Enders,and find his ease of manner refreshing. The Mallet is just an annoying twat, no shocked there Wacaday!!!!!!

I wonder about the animal rights of this programme though, I'm sure it cant be nice for the plump grub worm to have its back end bitten off!! And I'm sure the kangaroos don't willing offer to have their willies cut off for reality TV.

I hope Martina makes it further on her jungle adventure. She's a legend!! I will never forget the Wimbledon final in 1979. Brings tears to my eyes now, poetry in motion.

I shall leave you with the wise words of Rilke to take with you for the coming days

"To be loved means to be consumed. To love is to give light with inexhaustible oil. To be loved is to pass away, to love is to endure."

BBBL

Im a celebrity's Big Lesbian: Martina is going into the bush, and I dont mean biblically.

Here we go again. It's time for that jungle magic to begin. One of our very own will be shortly emerged into the world of reality TV, and crunching down on a kangaroo testicle to plump up a failing career.

Martina Martina Martina, an icon of the tennis world, probably the most revered woman in Wimbledon's colourful history, her lobs were legendary, her backhand top spin used to make me shiver with goosebumps.

I am not sure I really want to see her gagging on a wombat penis, whilst strapped to Esther Ranzen by a bungee cord, but it's all going to be pure sordid entertainment. We, the British public have a sick sense of watching someone suffer especially celebrities.

I look forward to the ensuing weeks of pain and agony. Minor D list celebrities arguing in the Tiki hut over lack of food and who is going to empty that stinking latrine. I say let them eat cake!

So I will be following Martina's jungle stint with great interest. Do you think she will have to endure the maggot and spider hair wash? Crawl in a cave infested with rats and maggots, all to get a star so her fellow contestants can eat a meal that doesn't include coconut and rice.

I will keep you posted. Is it Christmas already....where has my soul gone? I am again trying to buy my soul back from eBay, but there is a new clause that prohibits sellers buying back there own goods! What that bloke in Reddich needs with my soul anyway is another matter.

Ta Ta For Now

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Lost BB post- and Unsex in the City.

I think I am being targeted by a Endemol conspiracy. My last post has mysteriouysly fallen of the blog page and from my account.

I wonder if Big Brother is in fact watching us. I will recap in a smaller sense as I have news to impart to you all.

RACHAEL WON......I will be getting an interview with her shortly so stayed tuned!

Picture this scene if you will. Four 30 somethings trying to navigate there way around the nasty world of speed dating, sex, relationships and all the other stuff that falls in between.

Its sex and the city meets Bridgette Jones meets children of the corn. Two are staunch lesbians with an aversion to lesbian speed dating and Ikea. One is a Bi-Sexual with an aversion to pussy and an attitude that would put Eva Braun to shame. The fourth is a women in a long term relationship and a penchant for Josh Hartnett and any other man, but also a keen eye for Winona Ryder and Eva Mendes.

Woman whoever they are or whatever they are all struggling in the horrific world of dating. In an anonymous and shallow world will they find there Mrs Rights and Mr Rights, instead of all the Mrs Losers?

Stay tuned to find out...................

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Cookie and Greedy out-Ginger quiff still in

LAST FEW DAYS OF BB.

There is nothing more exciting than a shock double eviction. Well actually there is, perhaps an evening with Nana Mouskouri, or talking to the pastor of the united reform church about the substandard quality of church candles, but I could barely hold back my excitement when Davina spoke to the house. And yes anon, I say this tongue in cheek!

First out was Greedy Mo, and to be honest, its about bloody time. Shock waves reverberated around the BB house as his name was announced. Kat was crying hysterically. You would have thought she was being disemboweled by Sweeney Todd the way she was going on...brutally and savagely having her legs cut off by Ed Gein with a rusty B@Q chainsaw ( Google anon)

Personally I don't get that, I mean that's the nature of the show isn't it. You get booted...then you have a week in the limelight, and then you are ridiculed for the rest of your natural life. That's the way it goes....we all know this, why don't thy? So the second person out was Cookie Monster Kat. She looked stunned, and frankly I don't thinks she knew what was going on. Not the sharpest knife in the Ikea drawer.

In all honesty, I think they should provide counselors. Not for the housemates but for us the poor viewer. I have Post traumatic stress syndrome. I have also developed a nasty nervous tick and a penchant for swearing obscenities to old age pensioners in Sainsbury's car parks. I believe it is all BB related.

So the Oracle of Delphi and the crystal ball predict that Mikey will win BB, with Darnell second and Rex third. After they all leave the house I think dyno-Rod will need to go and deep clean in there. Its a filth pit.

I must tell you about my weekend with a Lion Tamer called Ingrid. We decided to meet at the London Eye, and then went for a leisurely stroll along Southbank. Given her circus folk appearance, she was wearing a loin cloth it must be said, we were mugged by an errant band of rouge faction Midgets from the "Midgets for Britain Society"

I was fending them off with nothing but a Cornetto and half an eaten chicken wrap, and she was trying to tame them with her whip that she carries for emergencies.

Anyway after that debacle, I did start to think this date was not going to go well. I had a surprise for her at Vinopolis, what I didn't know was she was allergic to grapes, and went into Anaphylactic shock the moment we stepped through the door.

To make matters worse the manager of Vinopolis had lost his mother to a brutal lion attack in the 70's and was harbouring deep rage towards the lion tamer of that zoo.

He wouldn't call an ambulance as he wanted to see her suffer, my mobile was dead so I couldn't call. I ran out into the street to make the call from a kind Samaritan's mobile phone, and I got run over by a pedalo.

I am NEVER dating again!

I want Rachael to win and hope that she comes in the top three, but I doubt it. After my success with my poem Endemol stole my soul, I have done an Ode to the housemates and especially to Rex. Called Rex, you're an arsehole.

Rex, you're an arsehole

This cannot be denied

I'm sure it was a ginger pube

and not blonde, did you lie?

Sarah you need a lobotomy

you're voice just grates on me

Angelina Jolie lookalike?

That I fail to see.

Mikey you're a pikey

I know you cannot see

You will win Big Brother

which is A-OK with me

Darnell plays the victim

Tries to be all hip

Would you like some vinegar

with that shoulder chip?

Rachael you are misunderstood

they call you dull and sucky

I think that you are fairly sweet

come to mine for a little..............brekky.

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: And the oscar goes too..Sarah

Nicole gets booted out with the largest percentage in BB history at a whopping 94%. I could hear the booing from Devon, it was all very dramatic and disturbing, although there was a part of me that secretly relished in her misfortune. I know, I know I am a bad person, and should be tied to a train track with flimsy rope, dressed in a stetson, with only minutes to save my skin. Its OK if I am tied to a British Rail track, the train will be late, giving me at least a half hour window of opportunity to escape my dastardly punishment.

I can see it now, all the commuters at Crawley being told there is a cowboy clad lesbian on the tracks....sorry for the delay!! Would I be easier to remove than leaves, or snow? Enquiring minds want to know! Ohh that rhymes. I feel inspired to write a poem about BB. Called The Shithouse Saga part 1....alienation.

Back to Big Bore, and with Nicole gone, its nice not to have to listen to that perpetual bickering all the time. And Ginger quiff seems to have the right old cob on at present. I would too, if my life was about to hit the skids at a great rate on knots. Poor old Rexxy boy, doesn't realise the fate that awaits him. I can see it now, chefs from all around the country, gagging for his eviction. They will be lined up with there meat cleavers and bunches of Herbs De Provence shouting Viva La France before unleashing vats of burre-blanc!

Mario, remember him? Lisa's muscle bound boyfriend entered the house and proposed through the perspex window, it was all very Mime in my opinion. I have a phobic fear of Mime acts, and the kissing of lips with each other against the glass was enough to spiral me into a panic attack. I found myself breathing heavily into a brown paper bag and cursing Marcel Marceau!

I would concur that it would be quite tiring living with a Mime artist, you cook dinner say, and call out "It's Ready dear" and they cant get to the dinner table because they are stuck in the imaginary box and cant find the door handle. I dated a circus performer once, her name was Rainbow Song. It only lasted for a week, as she smelt of Elephants, and had a penchant for acrobatic sex. I have a fear of heights so we were hideously mix matched. Whenever I see an elephant I think of her wistfully.

I am not going to mention the Mo bogey-gate scandal, it was too nauseating-so will leave that unsaid, all I will say is this. It involved a can of cider and a blind mans mammoth bogey. Ive never seen one so big. Suffice it to say, my favourite Lime curd will never pass my lips again. Thanks Greedy Mo!

Big brother decided to be nice to the housemates and provided them with presents. Lisa got a husband, Kat got some biscuits and Darnell moaned. I will never buy Darnell a Christmas presents if that's his attitude. Bloody ingrate. Mikey hoped that BB's present to him would be getting his sight back. Surely even BB couldn't rustle up Jesus from the holy mount, wrap him up and ask him to perform a miracle!! I think Mikey has coped the best out of all of them hes favourite to win, and anyone that can call Rex an arsehole to his face deserves the £100,000.

Sarah gets called for her present and it was like watching Gwyneth Paltrow's acceptance speech. Meryl Streep couldn't have squeezed out more tears than Sarah. I am not a violent person, but I throw a cushion at the television in pure frustration.

My dear dear friend, who I can't name, because shes famous believes that BB is social pornography for the hedonistic amongst us, and flatly refuses any part in BB porn watching.

Although when I ask her, she has a surprising amount of knowledge about the programme. I reckon shes a closet BB whore, who sneaks into the living room at night to watch them sleep on E4!!!

For any of you that have been to Switzerland, they have a saying if you see a hot woman, or man......Its called " A Panty". This Swiss friend said she did "A Panty" the other day. In probing her on this strange saying, she explained that she needs new panties when seeing someone hot, as "liquid" comes out on setting ones eyes on the hot subject in question.

I suggest strongly she join a support group for knicker sniffers, but she poo-poohed the idea, if you excuse the pun.

HRH the Queen reads my blog and sent me this lovely note. Which I will write out verbatim for you all.

" My Dearest BBBL, One must congratulate you on a thought provoking social commentary on this British Institution of Big Brother. I was agog to see that Nicole remotely suggested she was of Higher class standing. I have put words out in the fox hunting brigade, and she will be pelted with corgi shit, should she ever sully the walls of Balmoral... Oh P.S...Racheal to win"

How nice it was to receive that commendation from her majesty. I would rather have had an OBE, or tax break, but there you go.....

Last two weeks left of this hell, and I can go and back my I.Q back. I will leave you with my Ode to BB called "Endemol stole my soul"

ENDEMOL STOLE MY SOUL

You whore channel 4
degrading my soul
with ferocity and scathing
I am scathing and slaving
using crazy paving to hide this torment
blaming and shaming
my soul was mine
you stole it
a seasonal summer theft
I am bereft
that I have left
my soul to rot
with your snot
of TV scum
I've hurt my bum
I want my mum!


TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Get Rex out, and other musings.

NEWSFLASH! Nicole and Rex arguing!! Quelle surprese. According to BB spies Nicole, Sarah, and Lisa are up for nomination this week. If its true you heard it here first folks!

I have consulted the crystal ball of Adelphi to ascertain the results of the final week in the Big Bore house.

Nicole will argue with Rex over what was said on the outside world about him. Well Mr Ginger Quiff, judging by the response of the motley crew at Elstree on Friday night.....they want you OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! They were baying for his not so royal blood like Hyenas around the corpse of a water buffalo.

Let him face his adoring public and see what they will do to him. The crystal ball predicts some sort of Dickensian torture for Rex. I can see his restaurant being turned into a Yorkshire style woolen Mill, called The Poverty Pit. Rex will be forced to make meat pies out of the testicles and sweetmeats of the pork bits that even Asda wont use, and trust me Asda use more "bits" than most. I swear one day I bit into a famous supermarket brand sausage and chewed on what I can only describe as a cyst!

Oh how I would love to see Rex up to his arms in offal...Please Rex can I have some more. Let his simpering girlfriend waitress there as well. What I fail to comprehend are three basic points about Rexcole.

1) If shes so well to do, why are her hair extensions so badly placed. Looks like she went down the local bingo hall and asked Brenda the lady that calls the numbers out (66...to pregnant women at Margate...you know the drill) to weave her hair!!

2) If Rex is so good in the kitchen, why do we only ever see him putting salt and pepper on chickens?

3) They are the most unsuited couple in history, why are we being forced to watch there obvious co-dependant abyss of a relationship unfold before our weary eyes?

I already struggle with losing my will to breathe when watching BB, seeing them going at it hammer and tongs frankly pushes me right over the proverbial edge.

Rachael survived the eviction this week, which really surprised me. I thought we would have to keep watching guyliner whining on and on. I was pleased Rachael stayed. If Rex had spoken to me the way her spoke to her, he would have been washing his balls with a toothbrush!

Rachael is a sweet girl and to see her and Kat in the BB disco eating marmite sandwiches and dancing in a rather disturbing manner, was quite funny. Funny as in one flew over the cuckoos nest sort of way mind.

Mikey has made me laugh a couple of times during the show, and he is growing on me....not like in a fungus sort of way like Stewart likes to think, but he has a unique view on life.

That Sarah is getting on my nerves. She's so transparent in her game plan....can anyone see it? The Crystal ball predicts that she will do the cover of nuts magazine with a didgeridoo placed between her legs and the caption reading " Aussie takes it for her country"

I wish someone would go in and deep clean that red rug, its filthy. I wonder if the luxury bathroom smells, I bet it does. Like the gym locker room at David Lloyd. There are only so many airwicks you can put in one place. Why do lockers rooms always end up smelling like feet?

The ball also spoke to The Bard, he has just returned from a two week vacation at Machu Picchu. He really enjoyed the energy of the place, but got into a ghostly scrap with the Mayan God Kukulcan , who said in a rather enigmatic way the following....I shall read it like a press statement to give it more gravitas.

Reuters spectral news. " Mayan God Kukulcan has predicted that in the year 2012 a terrible curse shall hit the world. The return of the planet Nibiru ( Google anon) will pass close to the earth on December 21st, nullifying the Earth's magnetic pull, and catapulting the earth into a full axis rotation. His parting words to the Bard were "The sons of man shall scream to the fires in the sky"

Basically in a nutshell, the world will tip off its axis, and the UK will end up in the position of Australia. Well, least the summers will be better eh!

Thanks Kukulcan for that cheery message of hope and fortitude. Nought strange as folk..

TTFN

BBBL