Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who goes from the Phat Stack?

As I pulled into the Cardiff Asda and made my way to the wastes bins, I could see Mr X by the silhouette of his trilby. There was another figure, veiled against the backdrop of the blue recycle vat. I vaguely recognised this figure, call it instinct, and when they moved towards me, I knew exactly who it was by the friction sparks created by his blue shell suit.

“Big Brother’s Big Lesbian” he said in a familiar tone.

“David Icke, good to see you again!” I replied; with hope in my heart that some conspiracy scandal was about to break out in the BB house!

I was handed an A4 envelope, and they dispersed into the Welsh night, all that was visible were intermittent sparks of viscose on viscose. Mr X had not spoken tonight, so I knew it was going to be something only David Icke could deal with.

What explosive reading that was! I had to return the dossier, rolled inside a copy of HEAT magazine, drop it inside the second waste bin outside the Eastern side of the Templar Church, and say, “Beetle juice” three times with my eye closed.

Before I download this information straight into your subconscious minds, I must first deal with the goings on at BB central, as all will become apparent.

Gerry and Seany conducted Apprentice style interviews to pick two other housemates to be nominators. In their infinite wisdom, they chose the twins! Alan Sugar, where are you when we need you! Seany can’t choose a decent outfit to wear in the morning, let alone pick a person to decide the fate of another human being.

Seany has to be the most repellent housemate in the history of BB. Mr X is on the case, and assures me there is plenty of scuttlebutt where he is concerned. He failed a psychology test for Bad Lad’s Army, so was turned down, and managed to squirm his way into the BB house instead.

The twins, who did a “we get to nominate” victory dance routine, inspired by Vanilla Ice, went on to help with the demise of Carole, Tracey and Shabnam. They are all nominated to face the public vote this week.

Ziggy is having a phantom love affair with Chanelle. Our dog used to have phantom pregnancies, like Makosi, and it reminds me of Ziggy and his insecure poetic statements he makes to Ivana Be-a-Beckham.

Laura is still walking around in her PJ’s and eye mask, complete with Cheetah style housecoat. Nikki is scout mistress in charge of the food. Charley, by some miraculous intervention by god, has managed to avoid the public vote. Personally, I am gutted about that, I could not shift those paving slabs, and could have used them for her rowdy exit from the house. Why wasn’t she nominated to face the public?

Anyway, back to my Above Top Secret dossier. A certificate gained from Project Blue Book, shows that one of the nominated housemates up for eviction this week , was given US citizenship, on July 4th 1947, from Roswell, New Mexico.

They had an air crash into a farmer’s field, and could not return to their own “country” They have been sent to the BB house to gain acceptance from the British public, and to infiltrate the media.

According to the dossier, they have the look of any human, but the difference is, they are noticed, for their large staring almond eyes that hold the look of surprise at all times, and they are slightly socially inept. They are shape shifters, but for at least one hour a day, need to adapt to their original form. This also happens upon their waking, spontaneously, so they have to quickly integrate into the human form to avoid detection.

Now, who do you know, who is socially inept, has large freaky staring eyes and looks suspiciously alien in the morning? Who goes you decide!

Tracey, I hope you stay on in the Phat BB stack and ave it for longer. Carole, I would miss your self-dialogue and big bosoms too much, so it looks like Shabnam needs to “phone home”

Mr X is going to uncover any lesbian liaisons from any of the women housemates. We want hot lezzer action, and we want it now. The twin groping doesn't count, as that's just creepy! Mr X the entire Diva readership is relying on you!