Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who goes from the Phat Stack?

As I pulled into the Cardiff Asda and made my way to the wastes bins, I could see Mr X by the silhouette of his trilby. There was another figure, veiled against the backdrop of the blue recycle vat. I vaguely recognised this figure, call it instinct, and when they moved towards me, I knew exactly who it was by the friction sparks created by his blue shell suit.

“Big Brother’s Big Lesbian” he said in a familiar tone.

“David Icke, good to see you again!” I replied; with hope in my heart that some conspiracy scandal was about to break out in the BB house!

I was handed an A4 envelope, and they dispersed into the Welsh night, all that was visible were intermittent sparks of viscose on viscose. Mr X had not spoken tonight, so I knew it was going to be something only David Icke could deal with.

What explosive reading that was! I had to return the dossier, rolled inside a copy of HEAT magazine, drop it inside the second waste bin outside the Eastern side of the Templar Church, and say, “Beetle juice” three times with my eye closed.

Before I download this information straight into your subconscious minds, I must first deal with the goings on at BB central, as all will become apparent.

Gerry and Seany conducted Apprentice style interviews to pick two other housemates to be nominators. In their infinite wisdom, they chose the twins! Alan Sugar, where are you when we need you! Seany can’t choose a decent outfit to wear in the morning, let alone pick a person to decide the fate of another human being.

Seany has to be the most repellent housemate in the history of BB. Mr X is on the case, and assures me there is plenty of scuttlebutt where he is concerned. He failed a psychology test for Bad Lad’s Army, so was turned down, and managed to squirm his way into the BB house instead.

The twins, who did a “we get to nominate” victory dance routine, inspired by Vanilla Ice, went on to help with the demise of Carole, Tracey and Shabnam. They are all nominated to face the public vote this week.

Ziggy is having a phantom love affair with Chanelle. Our dog used to have phantom pregnancies, like Makosi, and it reminds me of Ziggy and his insecure poetic statements he makes to Ivana Be-a-Beckham.

Laura is still walking around in her PJ’s and eye mask, complete with Cheetah style housecoat. Nikki is scout mistress in charge of the food. Charley, by some miraculous intervention by god, has managed to avoid the public vote. Personally, I am gutted about that, I could not shift those paving slabs, and could have used them for her rowdy exit from the house. Why wasn’t she nominated to face the public?

Anyway, back to my Above Top Secret dossier. A certificate gained from Project Blue Book, shows that one of the nominated housemates up for eviction this week , was given US citizenship, on July 4th 1947, from Roswell, New Mexico.

They had an air crash into a farmer’s field, and could not return to their own “country” They have been sent to the BB house to gain acceptance from the British public, and to infiltrate the media.

According to the dossier, they have the look of any human, but the difference is, they are noticed, for their large staring almond eyes that hold the look of surprise at all times, and they are slightly socially inept. They are shape shifters, but for at least one hour a day, need to adapt to their original form. This also happens upon their waking, spontaneously, so they have to quickly integrate into the human form to avoid detection.

Now, who do you know, who is socially inept, has large freaky staring eyes and looks suspiciously alien in the morning? Who goes you decide!

Tracey, I hope you stay on in the Phat BB stack and ave it for longer. Carole, I would miss your self-dialogue and big bosoms too much, so it looks like Shabnam needs to “phone home”

Mr X is going to uncover any lesbian liaisons from any of the women housemates. We want hot lezzer action, and we want it now. The twin groping doesn't count, as that's just creepy! Mr X the entire Diva readership is relying on you!

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Here we go!

ATTENTION: Want to win a free ticket to join Big Brother's Big Lesbian at the filming of BB Big Mouth this Friday? Details at the end of this blog...

As Big Brother's Big Lesbian I have resigned myself to the fact that I will have no summer, and I can accept that. The BB onslaught has started again and my source at Endemol, who I will call "MR X", has given me some juicy titbits. Mr X is not unlike the "smoking man" in the X Files. If I leave a cross on my window made out of duct tape, he knows to meet me behind the bins at Asda,in-between the green bottles receptacle and the bin where all those hideous stale hedgehog breads are thrown. We exchange glances from under our trilbys and he hands me an envelope... So from now on, when I put Mr X, you will know of whom I speak!!!

So, the girls and token male are in residence at the Big Brother Asylum, and to be frank, of all of the many thousands of people that auditioned, this is what we end up with!! I notice the conspicuous lack of lesbians again this year!!! They refused to acknowledge my advice for an all lesbian household!! Talk about all the drama/sex/arguments that you could have shaken a stick at... but that's their loss.

Okay I must confess that I have a crippling fear of twins, so this will be a long summer!! There main aim in life is to "buy things pink, and go to theme parks" They did a random twin break dance/body popping routine that would not have looked at of place at a care in the community event. Mr X has told me that they went to have nose reconstruction surgery before BB, but by some cruel twist of fate, Teddie and Babs from the Beverley sisters were also in at the same time, and Amanda and Sam ended up having the Beverley Sisters double lobotomy. I'm not sure anyone has noticed yet. Hope they get evicted on Friday!!

Carole, Carole, Carole!!! Our little Bi Sister. I can't listen to her bleeding heart,vitriolic rants on the state of the third world, or oppression of Muslim women in Afghanistan. It's not that I don't want to listen, or that I don't care. The real fact of it is, she has the most enormous pair of breasts I have ever seen. They are like tools for hypnosis!! I find myself transfixed in an apoplectic state. I think about all the hunger in the world and realise she could feed half of Africa on one boob! She did try to mediate a "house meeting" ( and I use this phrase in its loosest sense) but no-one seemed to care. Perhaps they are also in a mammary trance . Mr X says that BB executives had to commission NASA to create a holder to keep the beasts at bay, using old heat shield tiles from the space shuttle and a couple of nose cones from SPUTNIK. Want to see past the boobs and hear if she has anything worthy to say.

Chanelle. The Chav mans version of Chanel. Spiritual inspiration is Victoria Beckham. Wants to be famous. Maybe she could get into the Guinness book of records as having the lowest IQ ever recorded. Her attempts at trying to snag Ziggy are, up till now, going unnoticed. Although her date with Ziggy looks promising. Mr X tells me that although she has repeatedly written to Victoria, and loitered around the gates of Beckenham Palace, the restraining order still stands and her pleas are being brutally rebuffed. Victoria was quoted as saying in the Anorexic Gazette " Chanelle is too needy for me to befriend, and the risk is she might sleep with David, and I cant have that. My new LA boutique is about to open and I've already fallen out with Katie Cruise-Holmes over her saying I was "twee". Chanelle needs to read a book and get a life, maybe she might grow on me!!

Charley is by far the gobbiest most sycophantically motivated housemate this year. Her cousin's ex-boyfriend's dog's shampooer, is a friend, so she has the in with the WAG set. Doing BB as she has nothing better to do... Oh yes, she's unemployed.. That's right... Boring aint it!!! Life philosophy includes being a celebrity and to be on page 3 of Nuts magazine. I'm so happy that Channel 4 decide to represents the UK's finest!! She thinks Frank Lampard is a twat, as she met him in a nightclub. She is already in an epic battle for alpha female status with Emily. I find her Eskimo boots with Daisy Dukes a little disconcerting! As much as she dresses up she still looks slightly low rent. I must admit though, she has spirit, so I would like to see if the first few days are just her being a d*ckhead. Hope she develops over the series. I will be watching her. Chance she might be booted on Friday though. Mr X says there will be more Gossip to come out on her in the next few weeks. The Daily Mirror are relying on it.

Emily. I can't even say her name without wanting to spit nails. Says that she and her sisters are the Paris Hilton's of Bristol. Are her sisters in a Bristol Correctional Facility serving time for drunk driving offences also?? Not dissimilar to Mr Ed, has a penchant for annoying arrogance and condescension. Thinks she's smart, but with the average IQ in the house probably under that of a brain damaged whelk, that's not much of a statement to make. Mr X says that she failed her intelligence test on a job interview as "salad sorter" on the MacDonald's Big Mac counter. Isn't interested in getting fame from BB, but is a DRAMA STUDENT... hmmm... what's that I smell...ohh Yes, it's bullshit. I hope that Charley inserts one of her Eskimo boots up Ms I-wannabe-a Hilton's west country arse on her way out on Friday. Think she will still be around next week though....

Laura. The Welsh Nanny from the valleys. Talks about food a lot and seems very genuine. Could it be possible that she might, in fact be "normal". I'm sure in the next few weeks I will be forced to eat my words. Slightly suspicious as she is taking a back seat and not creating too many waves. Mr X says that he unearthed a birth certificate claiming that Laura was in fact the secret love child and Jo Brand and Bernard Manning. When they found out they offered a Welsh Woman they found in the phone book, a one off payment for raising Laura. Hope she scrapes through the nominations and stays so we can relish in some welsh one liners. Needs to dump the Bet Lynch Pyjamas.

Lesley, aka anyone's History teacher at school. Now, I LOVE the Women's Institute. A fine and credible British association. I can make a great Victoria Sponge courtesy of the WI. I even bought the calendar. It was the sight of large floppy boobs well hidden by various baked goods that was too much to ignore. I stand alone in my like for Lesley. Yes she moans, yes she whines, yes she wouldn't be able to understand what "poking about in your lady garden meant" but it is refreshing to see an older lady in the house. I like her Germaine Greer appeal, but am perplexed as to why she went into the house!! In the diary room stated it was a good time to leave now, but then backtracked by letting BB decide her fate. When caught crying into her duvet retorted she was "sniffing her mattress" Is that A WI trait? She could do a half hour cooking slot in the house. I eager to learn how to make a moist Madeira cake. Fear that she will be back in the WI selling threadbare teddies on the Tombla Stall by Saturday!! The old girls days are numbered me thinks.

Nicky seems to be a contender for the lesbian of the house award. Hates men with a passion but would sleep with Callum Best. Well he's more of a woman than I am, so that doesn't count. That just means she has incredibly bad taste. Thinks she is an enigma and that we, the meek British public, will have to unpick her mysterious threads, to reach the essence of her. Not convinced about that. She seems as enigmatic as a cube of cheese on a cheese pineapple stick. Perhaps given the benefit of the doubt, she might end up being all she claims she is!! Well,all we care about is, Is she a goddamn lesbian? Got a shite birthday present from BB. Mr X whispers that all is not as it seems, rumour has it she has more in her lady garden than meets the eye!! Not sure of her staying power.

Shabnam claims she has boundless energy and will woo us with her larger than life personality. Tries to come across as a modern day Yoda.Well my reply to that is “Not if anything to say about it I have” I feel utterly luke warm about Shabnam, and she will have to pull out all the stops to live up to her own hype. Maybe she will answer life's most confusing conundrums whilst picking her spots in the bathroom mirror. Not convinced but maybe her inner Yoda will start to shine more brightly. Mr X can't be bothered to find anything about her.

Tracey the Phat Carrier bag collector. If Tracey is 36 then I am concerned that all her "raves" are by some weird chance accelerating the aging process in some Freaky Friday osmosis. Will never go to another festival again in fear of contracting this weird osmosis virus. Got to be the only true lesbian in the house.Thanks Endemol!! Does have interesting things to say like "Come on ave it like yeah...cool." Propensity to slight demonic possession. There is a possibility she might be harbouring an incubus..or if you're a lesbian would that be a succubus?? Inquiring minds want to know!! Well if she is, would that rate on BB betting as the first couple to have sex in the house? Interplanetary sex...now that's worth a thought....that would be Phat!! Already embroiled in a scandal. "Pissgate" started during the team meet, when she was unveiled as a person that urinates in the shower. The other housemates didn't want to get impetigo from her waste products!! Looks like a poodle on crack. Think she might blossom though.....hope she will have s*x with her succubus and relax into the BB experience.

Ziggy used to be a band member of Northern Line...how sad that he couldn't even make Celebrity Big Brother....one of his other band mates is working in Gourmet Burger...wow love on the Northern Line really didn't fill the piggy bank did it. Ziggy is dating the ladies in a marathon dinner debacle. If he was a model then there is hope for Chanelle after all. Looking to reinstate his minor celebrity status from his old band days. You never know he might be headlining at Chicago's Nightclub in Peckham by September.Slimy little git ,that in my opinion seems very gay. Mr X says that the Chariots Spa in Streatham is his favourite hangout and he double dates with two men called Clive who wear leather chaps and aren't adverse to buggery. Hope he lasts as long as his previous career.....

Okay The nominations are in and Ziggy has decided that its Emily Hilton and Shabnam to face eviction this Friday. Let the public stoning begin. I'm pleased as I will be taking my bag of gravel and ten tonnes of paving slabs in hopes of throwing my wares at Ms Emily.

I will also be on Big Brother's Big Mouth and have an extra ticket for any DIVA reader brave enough to vent their spleen on TV. Email carol@millivres.co.uk to enter. You will need to be at Elstree Studios at 9pm this Friday 8 June. DIVA is not responsible for travel arrangements. Entries close at noon on Friday 8 June.

Keep tuned my lovelies for the next instalment of Big Brother's Big Lesbian.