Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Big Brother's Big Bore!

Here we are again. A week into the BB social experiment, and I am finding my I.Q distressingly disabled.

I was agog ( Google anon) at the task, that involved licking crisps. I mean we've all been at the crisp licking stage in our lives. I recall a crisp licking moment in 1989 that involved a woman called Shirley and a four pack of strongbow cider..Its best left unsaid, as so many things are in my life.

So BB fans ( if there are any out there still) the same old homogenized types are in the house. The obligatory big mouth, the IT girl, the poor man's Rambo, and the others that are all too non-descript to warrant any discussion at all.

I will be refraining from using their names until someone steps up the the plate and says anything remotely witty or intelligent.

And where, oh where, are the lesbians this year? Why is the house always so devoid of A) Lesbians. B) Eye Candy. C) Anyone with anything interesting to say at all. I despair at the level of morose,moronic Muppet's in the house this year.

I was hoping, in my dotage, that BB would finally put in someone that would know what the word onomatopoeia means. I do like the man that is restricted of sight....must be a bonus for him, not being able to see in there!!

On a positive note, and I'm digging into the depth's of my soul here. I have been channelling the bard himself, that's Mr Shakespeare to all you non-thespians. The Bard assures me that the summer will start to liven up, and "thy hand will drip with the words of the excited fool".

He explained that BB is just a modern day version of a midsummer nights dream, and that wily puck will bring it all together. I did try to resist his obvious madness of being trapped in the ethereal layer for too many years, but he was highly insistent that this will be the Summer of our content.

I'm sure there will be times of great inspiration in the coming weeks. Crisp licking is just a taster of the fevered possibilities for us, the mere meek viewer. What next I ask the bard? Tortilla licking? Satsuma orifice plunging? Vimto Henna tattoos?

All will be revealed I'm sure in the coming weeks. I will leave you with an inspirational prediction from the Bard, for the weary of heart over BB.

" Thine eyes will be witness to a tempest rage, upon the ground of Elstree. Five men will seek the title, yet one women will seize the prize. The other, the pestilent goat ninny, will be evicted with thunderous roars, from the furious mob"

Cliff notes to this means: Its all going to kick off, the blokes will be smarmy and try to win, but a women will win this year, and some prat will be evicted to the biggest booing session in BB history. Hmmmmmm, anyone smelling a deja vu here?

Ta Ta for now....next blog a riveting interview with Nigella Lawson, who gets her kit off whilst making an incredible lamb kofta dish.

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: BB Post Mortem and Autopsy report

Brian wins the elusive BB crown and the bookies are saved from paying out millions if the twins had won. Do you smell a conspiracy….I DO?

I was able to watch the BB finale at Elstree with the Big Mouth crew and I was surprised that Brian had won. I thought the twins had “deffo” got in the bag. Even Madame Du Pravee didn’t pinpoint Brian as the winner, although I predicted it back ages ago, maybe I should be the psychic now?

I will set the scene for you. I am glammed up, well as much as I can be, and sitting with all the housemates from weeks gone by and straight from the house.

We are given champagne (I will use that term loosely, as I suspect it might have been cava) Shabnam is on full alien alert and Lesley, you remember, Mrs WI was saying to me “are you officialdom?” I retorted, “No, I’m just a nutter who has spent every Tuesday in this hell-hole of a studio talking nonsense”

I liked Lesley; she was funny in an upper class sort of way. I had a deep discussion with Carole, who was telling me how dirty the house was and that her land snail had died, and she wondered if I would sit on the dirty diary room chair, as it was riddled with germs and possible Gonorrhoea.
She was concerned about the people who had to go in and clean up! It was not a real house Carole…it was a studio set.

Nicky was lovely, and extremely pretty in real life. I still adhere to the philosophy that she was booted excessively early, and she could have developed more. I will be hoping to get an interview with her shortly to discuss her premature ejaculation from the house!

The nicest person by far was Ziggy. Yes, Yes I know, we should be loathing him. He was really talkative and rather good looking in real life. He mingled with us heathens, and seemed genuinely nice. I had slated that poor bloke on BBBM and now have to make a slight retraction.

I was sitting directly behind the twins who I can now tell you they are not CGI or holograms. They screamed a lot, and I asked them how it felt to be plunged straight into the BBBM studio they said in unison “Oh my god, its like deffo weird and stuff, cos we were like its totally weird, but were dead excited” It was reminiscent to me of the Los Angeles Valley Girls in the mid 90’s, “totally tubular man…I mean like gag me with a spoon dude”

Chanelle was telling everyone her agent wanted to sign them all up. She looked scarily like Victoria Beckham; it was all to single white female for my taste. Does she want her and Ziggy to be the next Posh and Becks?? Or does she secretly desire a lusty lesbian fling with her idol. Be like sleeping with a toast rack wouldn’t it. I would be afraid I would break one of Posh’s ribs in the act of lovemaking. Mr X did tell me she only has two ribs left now, as they were all removed to make her look thinner. However, I do not listen to celebrity gossip!

Wangers was there, but I did not get to speak to her as she was too busy mopping up the wine she spilt down her top. Tracey was wearing that bloody piccalilli cardigan again, that was bordering on threadbare

So let us get to the autopsy of BB. In regards to entertainment, I would have to say that it had necrosis and therefore was not very entertaining. In regards to sex and scandal, there was the Emily debacle and the chiggy sex scene. Chanelle has told heat magazine that Ziggy is “so dumped”. I imagine that will be after the copious amounts of money that they have made from every sleazy tabloid desperate enough to write about the romance of the summer.

Mr X and Madame Du Pravee had elected to move with me to my new venture The X Factor’s Big Lesbian that will start on Saturday on this very blog page!

Therefore, I will bid you adieu from Big Brother’s Big Lesbian this season, and can tell you I will be auditioning for BB9! Someone has to represent the lesbians!

Oh, and thank you to whoever it was that entered me into Miss Gay UK (heat two) which takes place at the Edge bar in Soho this Sunday!! I am not adverse to a bit of ritual humiliation, but only if it involves someone else!!

Ta Ta for now

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The road less travelled.

BREAKING NEWS: Channel 4 axes Celebrity Big Brother next year!! Is BB now up for the chop too?


NEWSFLASH: Jonty, Kara-Louise and Tracey face the public on Friday with a double eviction

Mr X is back from LA where he was following Primark Posh on her trip to see the “sights” (Beckhams). Isn’t it weird that this seems normal for Chanelle, but if someone not in the public eye was doing this, they’d be up for stalking!!

According to the Daily Scum she was mobbed outside an LA boutique by adoring fans, which then realised it wasn’t in fact Carole Vorderman at all. I wonder why Chanelle is in LA? What does LA hold for her I wonder?

Maybe the same future that all Elvis look-a-likes have in Memphis, a regular slot down the Ole Smokey Bar crooning into a microphone that smells suspiciously of sick to a crowd of three rednecks, a dog and a corpse! (All these old American bars have a corpse in them, they are always stuck at the back next to where they keep the bar snacks)

Mr X says the Americans are Luke warm to Chanelle right now, and they say if she loses 20 stone, has cheekbone implants and starts to carry around a Chihuahua in a handbag, then maybe….just maybe!!

Back to the glitzy world of Elstree and Borehamwood! The gurus have finished enlightenment; all are now fully indoctrinated into the world of shamanism. I feel just honoured and holy to look at them on the TV…were not worthy, were not worthy!

I find BB’s ideas on enlightenment a little strange to say the least. You would have thought maybe they would have sought the advice of a true guru. Mr X did ask this to the producer, and she claimed they did try to seek counsel with a guru, but the lady in question, Vanessa Feltz, was on holiday in Blackpool!

So as we gallop down the last furlong of BB8 with two weeks remaining, who will be left in the final? BB has come in for a lot of criticism of late. BB death throes they call it. Blame the wannabe factor that is the problem. I think a mass cull of all wannabees in the UK should start forthwith. I feel the real problem this year is just the mix of housemates. I mean, next year Glamour models should be banned. Anyone that has been flirting on the edge of celebrity should be banned. I want to see Joe Smith, 35, Plumber from Catford on next years BB, but with a stipulation in all housemate contracts that they can’t be signed by an agent, so Joe Smith can’t appear on DIY SOS with Prick Nolte!!

I mean it s a sad day when BB has to resort to using Freddie and Munkitty Tunkitty as a ratings pull!! They sent the soft toys on holiday, and the stuff toys miraculously managed to write postcards and drink tequila slammers with two Barbie dolls who moonlight as strippers when they can get out of the toy box.

Brian, Liam, Jonty, Kara-Louise, Gerry and Carole all face the public vote this week, and the two housemates with the most votes will face the Gurus. They will decide who is evicted. So that’s Jonty and Kara-Louise then! Mr X tells me there is going to be a weeding out on Wednesday night, so its all a matter of time before Brian wins!

Madame Du Pravee did a special BB channelling last night, and wasn’t quite sure who would come through, and after a rather disappointing start, the spirit of Buddy Holly came raging in. His favourite housemate is Tracey and he is appearing in the otherworldly aptitude show called “Heavens got Talent” and will be singing a song in her honour called ‘Rave on Phat sister’. The emcee is none other than Jim Morrison himself (Yes folks he really did die in the 17 rue Beautreillis bathtub, and isn’t living in Cleethorpes and working at the Cleethorpes MacDonald’s) If only they had bothered to do that Autopsy eh? (Google anon)

According to Buddy Holly the voting system on “Heavens got Talent” is far more honest than down here, its all done telepathically, so there can be no cheating! BB are you listening!

Let’s see who goes on Friday. I predict Kara-Louise or maybe Munkitty Tunkitty

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Recap and interview with Thaila Zucchi.

BBBL got to interview Thaila Zucchi aka fake housemate Pauline Pooh, but before we get cosy on the couch with Ms Zucchi, let us recap the weekend in the house.

Carole moans, Amy gets the boot, Carole moans, Ziggy is dressed as Moses and is going to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land and part the Thames. Brian is on operation twin seduction and seems to be having minimal success and Carole is still moaning. All housemates must achieve enlightenment to avoid eviction. The Dalai Lama must be sobbing into his prayer beads as we speak. I think the housemates think enlightenment is a cocktail drink at The Ivy. God help us all if any of them pass this task. I will go to live in a yurt in Glastonbury if this happens!

Now lets get to the nitty gritty and unearth what’s lurking in the subconscious mind of Thaila Zucchi and find out about the thigh boots and her girlie holiday with a bunch of strippers.

BBBL: “How was your BB incarceration, and did you feel you fooled them enough?”

Thaila: “My time in the house wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I definitely thought it would be worse, and think they did take me for a real housemate. We did spend a lot of time sitting around on the sofas waiting for BB to tell us about tasks and things”

BBBL: “What drew you to take the part of pooh in BB8?”

Thaila: “Hmmm, I supposed I was flattered to be asked if I’m honest. I did spend a few days stewing on it, and then thought better to regret the things you have done than you things you haven’t, so I went for it. I was worried about the job though as I knew it would be tough.”

BBBL: “Have your views on BB changed since you became a housemate?”

Thaila: “No, not really. I think we forget that the housemates are human beings”

BBBL: “I’m not sure all are human, I think BB might have snuck in a couple of androids”

Thaila: (Laughs,) “Well okay, maybe some of them are human. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of time that is spent waiting around on sofas looking gormless”

BBBL: “Okay, enough of the niceties, let get down to the scum. I read that you were sent into the house to have a lesbian fling with Charley, but changed your mind. Can you elaborate?”

Thaila: (laughing) “Yeah, I have heard that too (laughing) the first I heard about it was from a newspaper. It definitely was not part of the job description. I mean, that would be akin to prostitution wouldn’t it!”

BBBL: (laughs in menacing manner) “Indeed, I wonder where it came from then?”

Thaila: “I think it was because when Charley was watching me on the plasma screen she said I could share her bed. I think she was just being friendly”

BBBL: “Or maybe to get you onside?”

Thaila: (giggles) “Maybe, who knows?”

BBBL: “Which housemate did you gravitate to most?”

Thaila: “There were two people actually. Gerry because he made a lot of time for me. I truly think he is a nice honest decent person, and Liam, who had a great sense of humour, which is something I hope I have. We had a lot of banter, and we flirted a little. I was sent in there to flirt with the boys you know (laughs). Tracey really kept her distance from me; she made no effort to get to know me at all. I think if I had been a 37-year-old bloke, it might have been different. She might have been aveing it then. (We both laugh)

BBBL: “Is Liam as good looking as he comes across on TV?”

Thaila: “Yes, he’s not bad. I think I just liked the vibe of him; he is very flirty, like I am, so we hit it off. I also think there is a lot of sexual frustration in the house. It is nice to get the attention I suppose. Do I look the same as I did on TV?”

BBBL: (panics at loaded question) “No, you are much smaller than I imagined. I never met anyone with such a tiny waist?”(well maybe Dolly Parton but that doesn’t count as she wears a corset)

Thaila: (laughs) “Well, I don’t watch myself on TV, I hate it. However, TV does put on weight, but I am such a foodie, I should go to the gym, but I love my food too much. I’m definitely a fattie food foo”

BBBL thinks that she might, in fact, have been Aphrodite in a past life, but does not yet realise her potential!

BBBL: “Did you feel the pressure of Carole’s Spanish Inquisition type questions about your fake birthplace Walla Walla?”

Thaila: (exhaling to expunge the Carole demon) “Yes, she was very suspicious of me (laughs) my characters details would change from day to day. BB would add something in at the last minute. I was constantly aware of what I was saying. I was going to be from Jerramungup, but did not think I would remember that convincingly; it was hard, as the perimeters of my character changed constantly. It was a tough gig. I would often avoid eye contact with Carole, so she would not start asking questions! At times it made me feel uncomfortable”

BBBL: “I have a blog reader from Walla Walla; do you think they might be a Pooh fan?”

Thaila: (laughing) “Maybe, I would love to go to Walla Walla to see what it its like. I did get mixed reviews about my accent in the press so maybe I should go and practice it”

BBBL: “Your meditation class was one of the highlights of BB for me. Were you winging it?”

Thaila: “I was completely winging it; I had to go and wake them up to persuade them to do it, which I managed with most of them. BB was telling me to hurry it up, but I did not want to end it too early to provoke suspicion. Ziggy was watching me the entire time from the sidelines, and it was hard for me to keep a straight face. I did have to suppress a laugh at one point. I was though, very aware of not offending the spiritual community but also knew I had to make it entertaining and believable.”

BBBL: “Where is that bloody washing machine hidden? As I really am tiring of watching Carole mangling her kecks?”

Thaila: (laughs) “This I don’t know, I did hear that they might be able to win a washing machine?” I was able to go into the camera run and was privvy to watching Carole washing her knickers in the bathtub. I felt a little that I was invading her privacy.”

BBBL thinks….that is a huge bathtub then!

BBBL :( bracing myself to ask this question) “I must slip this little question in, have you ever kissed a woman?”

Thaila: (laughing)” Let me think here, I have had drunken kisses with friends, and I have kissed all the girls in my band the Allstars…kissed ‘em all…ohh, and I did go on an all girl holiday with a bunch of strippers and there was drunken kissing then, but I have never kissed a woman on a romantic level.”

BBBL: (now gaining confidence) “Can you feel the chemistry we have ...are you feeling that pull?”

Thaila: (chuckles) “Oh I so can! There is a lot of energy going on. It reminds me of my meditation class, real positive energy. I really like you”

BBBL: “Would you like to be in my videoblog spoof of ‘Tipping the Velvet’ called Licking the Velcro and play the part of Kitty L’abia?”

Thaila: “Oh my god that sounds hilarious, of course I will (laughs)”

BBBL: “You are very funny in Star Stories, what was your favourite character to play?”

Thaila: “I’ve been lucky to be able to play fantastic characters, but I think my favourite has to be Kirsty Alley. I had to wear a fat suit and decided to go back to make-up and have them make me a camel toe! If you blink you miss it, all that extra time in make up for like a 5 second shot of my camel toe ( laughs) Friday is the last episode of Star Stories and I play a part in the Britney Spears story,that was fun too.” Incidentally Thaila played the part of Sharon Osbourne and J-Lo amongst others!

Are make up camel toes made from two chicken fillets and a jellybean?

BBBL: “When you were playing the bunny boiler in ‘Balls of Steel’ and you were flirting with that man in Battersea Park, was his girlfriend as scary as she seemed?”

Thaila: “Yes, very scary. There are some scary girlfriends out there. I was actually spat at once, and I had to sit there and take it as she oiked phlegm up into her throat (laughs) it was very scary.”

BBBL: “How was your stint as BBBM presenter, I remember you as being very nervous?”

Thaila: “Yes, I was nervous. I did feel as though I did not deserve to get that job, which I only got by default. I was worried that I would be booed, or that my boob would fall out of my top. I worry about things like that (laughs)”

BBBL: “I loved the thigh boots you wore, are they designer?”

Thaila: “Oh let me tell you about those boots, I found them in a second hand store, they are labelled Miss Hellfire I think, There Vintage (laughs)”

BBBL: “What does Ziggy’s tattoo say and do you think he will get a part on Star Stories as Cliff Richard?”

Thaila: (laughs) “I think I asked him what it said, but I cannot remember. I think it says I LOVE NYSYNC. He does sound like cliff Richard doesn’t he, I’m sure he appeal to mum types”

BBBL: “What are you doing now?”

Thaila: “Waiting for my friend to make me pasta (laughs), no I have a few things in the pipeline, like Strutter with Paul Kay and Star Stories. I have a presenting job coming up. In addition, in love Soup, I have a scene where I am getting down with a man and get to his under pant department all is not as it seems (both laugh) “

BBBL: “Have you already had people coming up and saying its Setanta and slamming down pies?”

Thaila: “No, haven’t had any pie action yet (at this point she is really laughing, and this goes on a bit) Yes, I have had a few people doing that. I have been recognised by some people on the tube!”

BBBL: “Did you know there is a Thaila for BB presenter campaign going on?”

Thaila: “Wow, that’s mad, funny but really mad. I’m shocked really, but it’s nice”

Thanks to Thaila for giving the interview and being a complete star. If you think she should be the next BB presenter, leave a comment on the blog comments with Yea or Nay. I must say I find the housemates dancing to the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius slightly demonic and must go and burn white sage.

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Interview with Adele Roberts

BBBL got to speak with Adele Roberts, former housemate on BB3, who went back into the house the other day to do the time travel task with Brain and Kara-Louise. She was joined by Alex Sibley another BB3 housemate and they had to do a sport challenge against Brian and Kara-Louise; needless to say, they won!

Brian, an avid BB watcher, was consumed with excitement when he realised they had travelled back to 2002, and had to enter the recreated “Rich side/Poor side” house. When Adele and Alex walked in….he thought Christmas and Easter had all come at once.

Adele was the first housemate to be booed on her eviction night, and we get down and dirty to exhume the truth about her BB3 experience, and to find out what’s she doing now!!

BBBL: “Firstly, how did it feel to be back in the BB house after five years?”

Adele: “Initially I was very worried about doing it. BB emailed me at work and I had to think about the ramifications of accepting, so I didn’t get back to them straight away. Instead I decided to call my mum who said basically, just do it and maybe lay some of those demons to rest!”

BBBL: “Okay, let’s talk about those demons. Did you regret your BB experience and did it change you?”

Adele: “I don’t regret going in as it has opened up some fantastic opportunities for me with my radio show. It definitely made me a better person and brought me a lot closer to my family, although I feel I could have made better choices. I was naive as to what it all entailed.”

BBBL: “Was it good to see Alex again?”

Adele: “Oh yes it was really good, I haven’t seen or spoken to him since 2002, but it felt like old times.”

BBBL: “Is Brian really that excitable?”

Adele (laughing): “Yes, and then some. There was a lot of footage they didn’t show and he was like that most of the time. Lovely guy.”

BBBL: “Would you ever consider doing BB again, like maybe CBB?”

Adele: “No, I don’t think there is any need to go back to living in that house, I think once you’ve done it, you’ve done your time.”

BBBL: “Can I ask about the famous booing on your eviction exit, how that really felt at the time?”

Adele: “Well, I was warned that it might happen by the BB producers, and we are told its all just pantomime, so not to worry about it, but of course it does affect you. I just couldn’t wait to get into the studio for my interview with Davina, as I couldn’t understand why I was being booed. I wanted to know why? I was totally perplexed by the whole thing” (…So was I, as I thought Adele hadn’t done anything wrong)

BBBL: “Ohh, talking of Davina, is she nice?”

Adele: “Yes, she’s lovely. She has two persona's though: the real Davina and the BB Davina.”

BBBL: “What good has come out of your BB experience?”

Adele: “The best thing of course is my Radio show on Rock FM; I have got to meet some amazing people like 50 cent, Akon, The Pussycat Dolls (we both jointly laugh at this point), Nelly Furtado and Fergie.”

BBBL: “Who’s Fergie?” (I was thinking the Duchess of York!)

Adele: “Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, they are just a few off the top of my head”

(…I am now thinking my music knowledge is seriously lacking!)

BBBL: “I have to ask, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

Adele: (laughing): “Yes, I have a girlfriend.” (…Sorry Cow, I did ask about you and her hooking up but her girlfriend wouldn’t like it!)

BBBL: “What are your views on CBB last year and all the controversy?”

Adele: “To be honest I wasn’t watching it, but when I heard about what was going on I tuned in. I saw the bullying scene, and it made me feel physically sick, I personally don’t think BB should have shown all that footage, it wasn’t necessary, I felt like it was going to exacerbate the situation. I know Jade got her come uppance and all, but it was just uncomfortable viewing.”

BBBL sneaks in cheeky question here: “If you go to the BB after party can I come as your date?”

Adele (laughing): “I think my girlfriend might have something to say about that! I might be DJing at the after party though, and no one knows this yet, so that’s an exclusive for you! I will see if I can get you in. I’ll see what I can do.”

BBBL: “Ah thanks, I need some pictures for my blog and I secretly wish to see the
Luscious Davina!”

BBBL: “I read that your BB experiences affected your family, how so?”

Adele: “No-one knew that I was going into the BB house, only my mum and I sort of came out in there, by my own accord of course; but my family had to deal with all of the coming out issues without me. I also didn’t fully realise that I was going to be representing the Black/Mixed race and gay community, and feel I could have handled that responsibility better. I just thought naively that it wouldn’t have had an impact, but it did, that’s my only thing that my family had to suffer because of me being in the house.”


BBBL: “Can you tell me about the radio station you work for Rock FM, and what you do there, apart from meeting famous people?”

Adele: “ Yes, I do two shows a week, one on Friday night, ‘Smooth Grooves’ from 10.00 pm to 2.00 am and Sunday breakfast from 6.00 am to 10.00am.

You can find out exactly what she’s doing on the radio station by following the link here, included is also her MY SPACE page.

http://www.rockfm.co.uk/showdj.asp?djid=28241

Thanks Adele for the interview and for being so courteous and open, what a refreshing change to speak to someone in the public eye who is just normal, and not full of their own self importance. I think we can safely say the demons are now well and truly buried and any ghosts of BB past can be exorcised. Good Luck Adele and maybe you can teach me about Smooth Grooves, as I obviously don’t have a clue!

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Past, present and future.

NEWSFLASH..Amy, Kara-Louise , Jonty and The Twins face the public vote on Friday!

So, we are going back to the future. The twin hologram projection unit has been projecting the image of the twins into the BB house for almost 70 days, and they went back to day 11 in the BB space-time continuum machine, which by the looks of it was made by viewers of Blue Peter. You could distinctly see the sticky back plastic holding the “Time Lever” onto the cardboard box display unit.

They were given an ultimatum. Break your twin bond, and be individuals, or go up as one entity, and face the public vote? Of course, they decided to be one entity, from now on Samanda will be known simply as The Twin.

With back to the future theme strongly rampaging though the weekly shopping task, I need to ask you this.


Has Tracey gone back to the future?



The resemblance is uncanny isn’t it? Give her a DeLorean and a dodgy 1980’s moralistic script, and we would be none the wiser. I am sure I saw Michael J Fox in the garden, by the smoking area on a hover board.

I do feel us, as viewers; have gone back to the future to Celebrity Big Brother last year and “chicken-gate”.

Although this time its “nut-roast gate”. I actually laughed for the first time in the whole series, at the sight of Kara-Louise scrapping Carole’s precious nut roast out of the tepid, uncooked Chicken, and putting it back into the bowl.
I’m sure I heard Jonty remark, “Hmmm, this nut roast is good, although it does have a piquancy of raw chicken anus to it”

I would certainly not eat the now, Ecoli infested, nut roast. Maybe Carole will shed a few pounds from salmonella poisoning. I have been an avid fan of Carole, but did feel a pang of sadist pleasure when we all knew they were going to cook the roast without her consent!

I could understand such fear from the housemates if they had, oh, I do not know, killed someone, or set the kitchen on fire. How dare they cook a meal without Eva Braun looking on? They are so selfish!

Brian and Kara-Louise went back to 2002 to go head to head with ex-housemates Alex and Adele. I will keep you posted about information I have in regards to one of those ex-housemates!

We also witnessed Ziggy, Carole, Gerry and Doc Emmet Brown in the year 1847. I feel they should have made them test out Victoria sex toys, or perhaps role-play the seedy underworld of Victorian prostitution.

Instead, they bobbed for apples and shined shoes! Oh, how I would have paid too see Tracey hooked up to the first vibrator, which was developed by an American physician, George Taylor, M.D. It was steam powered and used to treat “Female Hysteria”.

Good job Chanelle has left the house then. GT would have had her hooked up for days to cure her hysteria. Hysteria is Greek for “suffering uterus”. I am sure suffering uterus would have been the last thing on your mind after 10 minutes of steam-powered vibration.
Moreover, what did the Victorians ever do for us eh! I am sure Robert Louis Stevenson would not have been able to create a steam-powered engine powerful enough for Carole!

Madame Du Pravee in line with this week’s task has astrally projected into the future and seen glimpses of what the housemates will be doing after BB.

Brian will win, and will enter Mensa. The twins will do a commercial for double mint gum, and replace those American twins in the ra ra skirts.
Ziggy will marry Chanelle, have a sizzling football career, yet during a vital England match, will be sent off, and we will not get through to the world cup. They will have three kids called Hammersmith, Kew and Ealing Broadway.
Gerry will do stints at GAY with his museum artifact tour. That is all she got, due to time pressures from her agent.

I will leave you this this inspiring quote. Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: In with the old, out with the new.

News Flash: Two housemates from a past series about to return to the house!!

Its all part of the time travel themed week. Which I will be using for my next blog called Blast from the Past.....stay tuned for an exclusive interview with an ex housemate!


BB has been a revolving door of late, in one house, then back again. You are now only a halfway housemate, and then you are a fully-fledged housemate. It has been hard to keep track of the housemates. I think they should have been issued electronic tagging systems, so we could know where they are located at any given time.


I mean, it is like a prison isn’t it. I feel as a BB watcher I have been given a 3-month sentence. I was hoping to be let off for good behaviour, but my parole was denied.

Shanessie Loch monster and David the Pagan got the boot tonight, and Tracey is back in her “sketchy phat stack, aving it graveeyyyyy” which means, when I consult my Ravers that are over 37 dictionary, “Oh I’m glad to be back in my temporary abode”.

Shanessie Loch Monster looked stunned when she found out she was evicted. Now I have to ask you my Diva Delectables, Why?

Her first words in the house “Do you like girls that swallow?” were plagiarised from the film Creature from the blue lagoon, the sex tapes.
She then proceeds to unleash her rather odd breasts, which reminded me of those baguettes you get from Tesco Express.


David, the Pagan, bemoaned that witches always get evicted! Yes, the Salem Witch trials went pretty much the same way David. The crowd voted via abacus, and when they found the witch they wanted to evict, they all got together with placards and booed! The evicted witches then went to a cosy studio and were “interviewed” by John Hathorne (google anon)

Mr X rushed back from the Reading Pagan Festival, after Madame Du Pravee told him that David would be evicted. She had been interrupted during a speech to the WI, by a channelling from Aleister Crowley, he inferred that David was sporting a rather large todger under that kilt, and he was predominantly straight. Mr Crowley also said the vote lines would rumble with his name, and he would be gone on Friday.

Mr X seemed quite relieved to be called back to Elstree; he had caught the eye of a white witch called Cilla who wanted tantric sex with him. He says he cannot have sex at present because it upsets his ferrets.

Therefore, we are back to one house and two new Muppets. Jonty and Kara-Louise Rice-Bush. Jonty, who seems to have a bowel complaint, only farts and laughs. Kara-Louise looks like she is straight out of the TV show of the late 70’s The Mallens


All is then back to normal at fraggle rock. Carole I feel, has become a little bit strange. I think that she really wants Ziggy to have a rummage in her rather large gusset. Those huge knickers also double as a handy hammock, and if desperately needed, a four man tent with awning. Carole wants to bag her man. They could have a future together. Carole could protest about the mistreatment on 90’s boy band members and burn her bra outside 10 Downing Street. Ziggy could have the sort of love he craves, that of a woman who will pander to his every need and iron his underpants with starch.

Shakespeare decided to come directly through to me via automatic writing, which is slightly awkward, as I was writing a cheque in the bank at the time.

He had this to say about Ziggy "To thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then be false to any man"

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Clash of the not so Titans

Well, I spent another evening in the studio of Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Mr X had a night off to go and see Spamalot with Mrs X, as it was there 10th wedding anniversary. I had suggested to him that perhaps a weekend in Paris or Rome might be slightly more romantic, but was brutally rebuffed. He said that he would stump up for a packet of minstrels for her….The man knows no barriers when it comes to romance.

Anyway, what a night it turned out to be. The studio guests were Chanelle and Charley! Whippet, the audience facilities manager, had a tight hold of the reigns, for concerns of mutiny, and alcohol was denied for fear of a studio audience uprising.

I said “Look Whippet, its not Les Miz, we won't make a ship barricade out of the seats, and scream Viva La France”.

However, Whippet held firm, her strong Northern accent still rings in my delicate ears. I imagine Whippet to be an either shit or get of the pot kind of girl, my favourite!

Charley and Chanelle went head to head, the tension in the studio could have been cut with a blunt pair of plastic scissors. Chanelle, and as you know Diva beauties, has not fared too well in my blog so far, was surprisingly articulate and composed. She had a new haircut courtesy of David Beckham’s hair stylist, and it looked great!
She was very excited about the Spice Girls Reunion tour, I hope she realises that it does not seem to be going hitch free in the Spice camp, and the reunion tour might happen when they are all pulling their pensions from the post office. Will their song be Octogenarian Power?

It all seemed to go well, until Charley cottoned onto the fact that Chanelle had more support, and then it all went Pete Tong. I made a comment to the fact that it was not in fact the Charley show, and the arguments were just pointless and banal. Charley spent the rest of the show staring me down. I was like a Wild Western movie. I imagined tumbleweed and a dusty road, me and Charley face to face in a nameless town, gun holsters to the ready. I have a horse called Troy and a pocketful of chewing tobacco, she has a pouch full of bitterness, and is not afraid to use it. Her horse has bolted because someone locked the door after he had gone.
I admit now to being a weakling, but did not shy away from the gaze. Whippet lurked on the sidelines like Robert De Niro’s character in meet the parents. I hope I am still in Whippet's circle of trust!

To both their credits, I think facing a BBBM audience must be frightening. Chanelle came across the best, Charley just looked bored, and might be realising that her race to the million pounds might be harder than she thought.

Madame Du Pravee tuned in on my behalf to a question I asked her when we were in Mama Dumpling’s ordering dim sum “Who does Kara-Louise remind you of?”

Shakespeare, who has now decided he has forgiven Brian’s faux pas, came through with a startling truth. Kara-Louise is in fact the secret love child of Condoleezza rice and George W Bush! She was conceived on Air Force one in a passionate mile high club moment! God Bless America

I now have to lie down from the trauma of last night and regain my strength as I am going with Mr X and the Albino to the Pagan festival in Reading to get the dirt on David.

Sitting-on-a-Stump-thinking, my Native American friend, is coming to town next week, and I am going to try to Channel instead of Madame Du Pravee, who needs a break from a heavy work schedule with Derek Acorah. I might need the help of his ayahuasca plant for inspiration

BBBL

See BBBL in action courtesy of YOUTUBE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wUtqOiF_g

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The Half-Wit house of horrors.

NEWSFLASH: Chanelle has left the BB house. Will it be for good this time?

Well, you go away for a few days R&R, and come back to all hell breaking loose in the BB house.

Mr X and I enjoyed our crop circle extravaganza in Wiltshire. Rumour had it that a new crop formation appeared on Friday morning, we rushed there to see it, and found the crop lay extraordinary, it was at least 200 foot in diameter, but without GPS we couldn’t ascertain what it looked like, so we waited for the aerial photographs to come in.
I was thunderstruck by the image when I saw it. It was a circular formation with three words on the inside “Get Charley Out”. Seems as though even our alien cousins wanted to see the back of her! I wonder how much a text to evict would be from another planet.

Therefore, with Charley gone, and Chanelle almost gone, but awaiting psychological profiling, it has been a right old carry on! I am almost expecting to see Hattie Jacques enter the house dressed in a matron’s uniform, closely followed by Sid James!

Madame Du Pravee called me whilst I was in a beautiful crop formation near West Kennet Long barrow to tell me that Hattie Jacques and Sid James had come through to her requesting the film rights to Carry on up the BB house. It is still in negotiation stage. Seems, as though the spirit world cannot decide on who will play the part that Barbara Windsor usually plays, it is a toss up between Amanda and Gerry.

So Charley was booted, probably signed up by an agent on the way to her interview with Davina, we will have to endure her on everything now! I have the pleasure of being in the BBBM studio on Tuesday with her there…I heard her eviction by sheer coincidence. The lesbian trio next to my tent had bought a portable TV, and in between, their chanting of “get Charley out”, and coughing fits from the Rothmans cigarettes they were smoking three at a time it was almost audible!

I am sure HEAT and OKAY magazines will run a story on her every five minutes. Charley’s book “Autobiography of a Narcissist” will be in shops for the launch of the BB8 housemate road show. This will highlight the talents of the BB housemates. Carol will be signed up as the new face of Persil, and will wash her underpants for the tour until the are gleaming. Look no stains. Poor old Carole reduced to a human cleaning machine! Carole's boobs have made it into the Barnes Wallis Hall of Fame thanks to this blog. Carole's boobies, I salute you both!

Now, what will replace Charley? Well the half-wit house is full to brimming with more of the country’s elite. Jonty, who is clearly not the full box of chocolates, not even the first layer, the glamour model called Amy (is that even worthy of being called a vocation?) should be called Aimless and sent back to the nearest pole dancing club in Croydon.

Then we have the self-confessed pagan called David, who being Pagan myself, am slightly concerned about his credentials! I did however, love his kilt and boots, but was perturbed by the David Bowie/Clockwork Orange eye makeup. Shanessa the blonde, and I use that term in its loosest form possible, entered the house wearing what looked like a swimsuit! I am not apposed to the new fashion of Muffin Topping, but bless her, if she had been swimming in the sea I fear she might have been harpooned by Japanese fisherman! She seems a bit low rent in my opinion, but BB is not renowned for their stellar choices in housemates are they?

The other two are not even worthy of mention, as I cannot even remember their names. Answers of a postcard please to Who Really Gives a Shit, Elstree, Borehamwood.

I have spent the last days in the bosom of Mother Earth, cradled in the arms of Gaia, and found watching BB again, a bit disorientating. Which half-wits will they ask to join the full-wits in the main house I wonder?

Madame Du Pravee is off to Kidderminster for the annual white witch convention, and has promised to bring me back a signed copy of Shabnam’s new book “My life as a BB alien, and other stories that are far too long to go into as I am far too busy opening nightclubs in Streatham”

Until later, I will leave you with a Native American adage I picked up on my travels. “You do not need your eyes to see the world around you, but a sense of freedom, and a sense of honour” Thank you for that Sitting-on-Stump-thinking I have always remembered it, and our time in the sweat lodge with great nostalgia!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Charley Potter and the Deathly Rants

Newsflash...Looks like its Tracey versus Charley for the Friday night eviction.


I am still reeling from being “poohed” and Mr X, (who suddenly seems to have appeared on BBLB, as the insider! hmmmmm) tells me I should ask Endemol for counselling. Chanelle has had two heavy bouts of counselling, after Charley’s return to the house!



Poor old Chanelle, not bad enough that she has to be fondled in the shower by Cliff Richard. Who saw that look on Ziggy’s face when he got Chanelle against the wall of the shower, it was like the Rat Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (google anon)

The Rat( child) catcher gave me nightmares as a child. I now have an unhealthy phobia of lollipops, especially the swirled red and white ones!

I half expected Benny Hill to appear and make her into a life sized wind up toy, and have her boing out from her life sized box with Tracey type make up on.

Nicky has left the BB asylum with her tail between her legs. She looked like a deer in headlights as the BB door rattled open, and she was blasted with a cacophony of boos. She kept up her miserable façade until the end though. 10 points for consistency.

Davina was a little terse, must be from the effort of having to jet over to Elstree every Friday from her Villa in the South of France. Gwendy the Bendy who is a contortionist performer from Cirque de Soilei rang to tell me that she was moonlighting as a cleaner, and cleans Davina’s home on a Tuesday and Friday.



It seems that being able to wrap your legs round the back of your head into the Pretzel position, does not pay the rent. Between you, and me she did say that Davina is partial to the leather thong. Gwendy the Bendy has promised me that she will have a root around to see what she can find!


Charley is up to her old tricks again. Viewers complaining about her comment to Gerry, and inferring that he was a paedophile, for enjoying sex with 15-year-old boys, have rattled Ofcom this morning! Gerry denies all allegations, and I am surprised he has not set his monkey on her. The monkey does seem strangely real. I wonder if it has bride of Chucky doll powers, and might rampage through the house at night, taking out anyone in its path.

Ed the Lead from the Daily Scum tells me Charley's days are numbered, and that there is new blood baying at the starting gate. This new blood will be in residence at the BB Hostel next door to the main house, and our original housemates will have to pick three of them. God, three more moronic airheads seeking fame. It is all getting depressingly desperate!

Anyway, I will be away at the end of the week. BBBL is turning the big 40! I have been asked what I want for my birthday. A chemical peel perhaps, botox injections, bum cheek implants, none of which I am getting. I will be spending it in the Crop Circles of Wiltshire, wearing a Kaftan, and eating mung beans out of a dock leaf! I do not want to miss Charley’s eviction though, if it finally happens. I will have to fashion a small antenna from coat hangers and send my 7-year-old niece up a pole to hold the antenna, whilst I watch it on a portable TV from my deck chair. The joys of camping!

Madame Du Pravee is meeting us in one of the Crop Circles for a Tibetan singing bowl meditation. Janis Joplin was trying to manifest her Mercedes Benz Kaftan for me, but hasn’t quite mastered the skills for manifestation of solid objects, so I must wear my primark one instead. She did say to Madame Du Pravee to tell me “Happy Birthday, and watch out for urinating near stinging nettles” Thanks Janis!

I will keep you all updated on Thaila Zucchi and her thigh boots soon. BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Spoon me Pooh!

Move over Davina, there is a new lesbian pin up in town that goes by the name of Thaila Zucchi.

Last night I had the terrible chore of going to Big Brother’s Big Mouth. My BB friend, Cow, escorted me, as I have a phobia of driving to the Hanger Lane roundabout unaided.

Cow is like a South African TOM TOM, she guided me expertly round the streets of London. I think secretly she might be a dominatrix, and just likes to tell me what to do! Cow is not her real name, but she is in the witness protection scheme, so it would be remiss of me to reveal her real identity. Apparently, she happened upon someone stealing 10,000 dildos from the back of an Anne Summers truck, and has been in the programme ever since, as they threatened her with death by evil means. She has told me the person is famous, hence the brouhaha, but wont tell me who. All she has ever said is “think Eastenders and fake brain tumour”

Madame Du Pravee was already there when we arrived, schmoozing in the green room with Dane Bowers and junior Simpson, drinking champagne, whilst I had to do the grunt work.
She had told me earlier, that she had met up with Mr X, who was in Elstree on a mission I had sent him on. Rumour has it that the twins are in fact just a projected hologram that is beamed into the BB house, so he went to investigate. He dressed up as a BB employee and infiltrated in inner sanctum of the BB hub. He said he found it easier breaking into the Pentagon, than BB, but managed it. Once inside he spotted a door that said “Twin Hologram Projection Room”, but Vin Diesel and two snarling rottweilers guarded it, so he could go no further. Evidenced deemed inconclusive.

Anyway, I am digressing from the crux of the matter. After watching the main BB show with 41 other BB fans, squashed in an impossibly hot room, under the penetrating watchful eye of Whippet, we moved to the BBBM studio.

Now, I am sure it is hard to try to keep a live show going, and coax a studio audience all at the same time, but Thaila managed it. She put a rambling Shabnam, who was a phone caller into the show, back into her spaceship as well. Shabnam, why oh why do you still plague us? I watched the series V (google anon) I know that Shabnam possibly eats small rodents for breakfast, whilst trying to overtake the world, or in this case, the celebrity world. Therefore, Thaila, I salute you!

Now I must set a very good scene for all of you who have asked me about Thaila. After the show, even though Whippet had told us NOT to take photos, else she would behead us with a blunt Stanley knife, I rebelled, and under fear of death by beheading, or at least a nasty tetanus infection, broke ranks and approached Miss Zucchi.

Diva readers, you do not know what I do for you. I toil hour after hour in my bleak cold flat, writing the BBBL blog. I asked Thalia if she would not mind having a photo taken with BBBL, as I write a lesbian blog for Diva Magazine. Most people in the public eye recoil when they hear the word lesbian, Thaila to her credit was a good sport, and we even “snuggled” for authenticity.
I was slightly distracted by the suede thigh boots, and impossibly tiny waist, but its all for you Diva Readers…the things I have to do! I will try to find out where she will be appearing next; for all of you that are interested in her career (or is it her thigh boots I wonder?) Watch this space.

On a slightly different note. I was horrified to see poor Brian crying into his harmonica, after Charley had unleashed her bile again. Is BB condoning bullying? I kept hearing last night that Charley is entertainment. Are we that starved as a TV viewing British public for entertainment, that we mistakenly believe Charley to be good value? I do not, and I have my holy water and crucifix waiting for when she is booted!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:In out, In out, shake it all about.

I have just returned from a little holiday in Cornwall with Mr X and Madame Du Pravee. We felt we needed to recharge our BB batteries. Mr X, who has a penchant for pasties, was in his element on the craggy coast. I had a Daphne du Maurier moment on the cliffs above Red Ruth, it was all very dramatic and passionate, but unfortunately was spoilt by Mr X and his bloody cooler bag!! As I felt the wind brushing through my hair like Rebecca, Mr X decided to pull out of his paisley cooler, 12 individual trifles, and a box of mini scotch eggs. My inspired moment flew away as quick as it came.

We were also working alas. Seeing as though it was fake week in the BB house, we had a fake holiday. We stayed in a replica BB caravan, and spent a phenomenal amount of our time lying around in white duvets bitching about each other and talking about nominations. Once, spookily, I heard “would BBBL please come to the diary room,” Mr X said it was just the Cornish wind rattling the top of the caravan, although I am not convinced. In addition, an Australian woman was doing a meditation class in our campsite, and we had to connect with our inner spirit animals. Mine was a bull mastiff and Mr X called upon his, the beluga whale.

We arrived back, and went straight to Elstree for the fake eviction. Well, never have I seen such an angry mob! It was reminiscent of the Ikea crush at Edmonton! Banners were aloft, “Get Charley Out”, “Carole where’s your boobies at….oops there they are” and my personal favourite “Who killed JR…cos I weren’t me”

I wonder where the get the eviction night rent a mob. I went on eBay and did not see one. and you can get anything on eBay, livers, hearts, kidneys…..even Lorena Bobbit’s kitchen knife, with the foreskin still on it( Google it anon) Anyway, Charley left the house, was interviewed by gorgeous Davina, and then plopped back into the reality domicile. All the “get Charley out banners”, were miraculously replaced in Charley’s eyes, by banners exalting the wonders of her, and how we, the British public, lay prostate at her feet of greatness! I am no fan of Charley, but I thought it was a bit sadistic, even for my tastes. As much as she is brash and aggressive, she is young, and I hope she will manage to recover. I saw a look of absolute terror on Chanelles face when she walked back into the house…It was reminiscent of when Posh saw Gerri again at the Girl Power conference in Accrington Stanley. Poor old Liam is in for a rough ride; I bet he wished he kept up his tree felling business. Maybe its karmic retribution, for all those oak tress that have been extinguished by his hand.

Madame Du Pravee and I went to Jamaica inn, where by some twist of fate, she channelled the spirit of Charles Dickens. What a grumpy bugger he was, it was like pulling blood from a stone. His dour tone started to grate quickly, and I wanted Janis Joplin back, she was far more amusing. Charles was moaning about the Bleak BB House, and how he was worried about Gillian Anderson’s weight. I chirped in with a “shake me up Judy” as some sort of comic relief, but he was having none of it. He told us that BBBM had wind of my blog and had tapped into the channelling sessions and had managed to get Charlie Chaplin in. I thought he was too busy fathering children to bother with mere mortals like us.

Dickens also hinted that Nikki would come into her own this week, comparing her to Lady Dedlock. I hope that Nikki does start to do something! The dossier on Gerry has arrived, but we are in a feud with the Greek court over certain content..BBBL will get back to you.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Faking it with Balls of Steel.

I have spent the last two days crammed in a tent with Mr X, on the outskirts of Borhamwood. Mr X’s flatulence has been prolific, and I feel I might have succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning.

Our combat fatigue tent was nestled between two trees, the only thing that could have given us away, was the fact that Mr X likes to hang out his used tea bags to dry. He says they can be double dipped. (Although they do not provide a decent second cuppa.)

I hadn’t realised he was so tight until having to lie next to him for two nights, hoping the crabs wouldn’t jump ship and move into my sleeping bag. I do admit to sneaking out late one night, and piercing those little tea bags with my Swiss army knife. We had Australian delicacies provided by Endemol, like pickled Koala scrotum pate and Kangaroo uterus, which strangely, tasted just like tofu! Mr X does like to try new things.

We were watching the entire goings on at BB from the grassy knoll with the new housemate “Pauline Pooh”. In BB’s fake week she will have to convince the housemates, she is actually a BB contestant from Oz, and has been swapped for a few days. Unfortunately, it looks like Ziggy has already smelt a rat! (If he weren’t a smoker, his sense of smell, would definitely be better.)

When Carole’s large dangling breasts posed questions about Australia, poor old Pooh did not know what to say! Admittedly, neither would I if I were faced by Barnes Wallis' bouncing bombs. I fear I would collapse from the shock of seeing the beasts up close and personal.

I hope Pauline will get a good innings. Ziggy already thinks he has met her before. Pauline (actress Thalia Zucchi from Balls of Steel fame) used to be a groupie for Northern Line and is a BB stooge, sent in to rattle the hornets nest.

Mr X and I did toast our Laura farewell from our canvas abode. I thought I got a sniff in the wind of her leopard print housecoat, but it wasn’t, a ferret had crawled under a nearby bush and died. Madame Du Pravee paid us a visit, and we did a channelling session by gaslight. It was all very Blair Witch. I had my beanie hat on and obligatory hanging bogey from my right nostril and Mr X ,dressed in his flannel lumberjack shirt, ran around the forest screaming. I found out later the screams were not from fear of seeing the Borehamwood Witch, but rather a flare up of his crab situation.

Madame Du Pravee gave me a warning, she told me I would be involved in a controversy but did not want to elaborate. Mama Cass who had by chance spirited in to the wrong channelling session had given this information. Mama was meant to go to Gayle Porter, who was sulking around her London flat where she died from a ham sandwich overdose, but ended up in Madame Du Pravee’s mind instead. Mama Cass also told Madame that due to staff shortages “up there” all extra sensory communication would stop on Friday 13th, as they are on strike over pay and dental/health benefits.

She also told us of a blossoming relationship between Ziggy and Carole. After the Carole Lap Dance, which I found somewhat disturbing, Mama Cass told us a flood of bets were being placed on Heaven’s Power for a Ziggy/Carole house romance. I cannot tell you who will win BB, as I do not want to spoil the surprise. Suffice it to say " am I bothered".

I have a meeting this week with the infamous “Ed the Lead” who is a BB informant with The Scum Daily newspaper, he has a dossier on Gerry that would shock the habit of a nun.

Keep tuned for all the gossip BBBL