Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Laura and the Donner Kebab Mystery

Poor Mr X, he is still suffering from his nasty case of crabs, it seems that this was a particularly virulent kind of crab, which by size, challenged the Dungeness. He has been laid low with his antibiotics and a jockstrap full of dry ice.

I thought I would step into his PI shoes. I have always fancied myself as a bit of a Magnum PI. I rented a huge moustache, large sunglasses, crinoline flairs, and headed off back to Wales.
Kitted out with my surveillance gear loaned by David Icke, I went in source of any gossip on Laura. Well, well, well, amazing what you can find out with a bit of bribery.

Seems that Laura cannot resist a bit of kebab…both donner and that of her best friend Janine.
According to the sister, of the brother of Janine’s Pilates teacher, Laura and Janine had a night of drink-fuelled lady garden passion.

I was told to go to Porth hospital, where I wangled some ER notes. It turned out that Laura, whilst in the midst of her lesbian fling, let her wangers get loose, rendering Janine unconscious.

Unfortunately, a discarded kebab had been left on the bed, and by some million to one fluke, the kebab got wedged in the nipple of Laura’s right wanger.
Nurses had a task to free the speared boob. After they were both released from the hospital, they continued their night of eager beavers, and afterwards Janine told a well-respected tabloid called The Daily Scum “She stank of kebab the whole time we were at it”

Janine, who was unconscious for 30 minutes suffered from short-term amnesia, and had forgotten the entire the hospital trip.
Laura, found out two weeks later, that the reason she stunk of kebab, was that the ER nurse, who was watching Scrubs on her mobile phone, accidentally left half a pineapple chunk and small piece of donner rotting in the right wanger. Laura has kept very quiet of her dalliance into the love that dare not speak its name!

Ah, the spoils of war. Billi (don’t be a hero) was booted on Friday to rapturous boos. His interview was so boring; I cannot be bothered to comment on it. Chiggy are full steam ahead, (I'm seeing the next Maxwell and Saskia evolving) and Brian is making some thought provoking statements that are changing the world we live in. I love that the housemates are interjecting such intellectual nuggets like “Do girls poo?” and "What are slops….are they some type of foreign footwear?”

My Welsh soiree has sorted the BB slump I found my self depressingly in. I talked to a woman called Mavis, who worked at Cardiff Castle, we swapped ideologies about BB, and her parting words were, as I left with 2 sticks of rock, a welsh flag, and a bag of lamb koftas, “Wouldn’t watch that shit, if I was drowning in a sea of my own vomit, and grabbing the TV was my only flotation device, I rather drown…or If I’m Charley, drownded”

I will soldier on, in some self-deluded hope that it might get more exciting. Until then, Madame Du Pravee called me to tell me, that all the celebrity spirits are contacting her now. She says it like a casting session on a Steven Spielberg Movie.
She has taken to having to put them in time slots of 10 minutes each. Nostradamus has been outraged all week that they have taken the Big Brother’s Behemoth Mouth slot from him, and given it to Edgar Cayce instead. Nostradamus says it is not fair, as he sleeps on the job. Can’t the outer realmed spirits be testy?

I have exciting news to offer in the next couple of days. I need to verify the reliability of my source before I can say for sure. So keep tuned. Moreover, remember fellow BB addicts, when you feel the hand of the slump clawing at your back “we are all just prisoners here, of our own device.” BBBL

Is it okay for Emily to get booted for using a racist word, yet Laura called Liam a poof and nothing was done? Give me your opinion of this in the comments page...BBBL