Big Brother's Big Lesbian: BB Post Mortem and Autopsy report

Brian wins the elusive BB crown and the bookies are saved from paying out millions if the twins had won. Do you smell a conspiracy….I DO?

I was able to watch the BB finale at Elstree with the Big Mouth crew and I was surprised that Brian had won. I thought the twins had “deffo” got in the bag. Even Madame Du Pravee didn’t pinpoint Brian as the winner, although I predicted it back ages ago, maybe I should be the psychic now?

I will set the scene for you. I am glammed up, well as much as I can be, and sitting with all the housemates from weeks gone by and straight from the house.

We are given champagne (I will use that term loosely, as I suspect it might have been cava) Shabnam is on full alien alert and Lesley, you remember, Mrs WI was saying to me “are you officialdom?” I retorted, “No, I’m just a nutter who has spent every Tuesday in this hell-hole of a studio talking nonsense”

I liked Lesley; she was funny in an upper class sort of way. I had a deep discussion with Carole, who was telling me how dirty the house was and that her land snail had died, and she wondered if I would sit on the dirty diary room chair, as it was riddled with germs and possible Gonorrhoea.
She was concerned about the people who had to go in and clean up! It was not a real house Carole…it was a studio set.

Nicky was lovely, and extremely pretty in real life. I still adhere to the philosophy that she was booted excessively early, and she could have developed more. I will be hoping to get an interview with her shortly to discuss her premature ejaculation from the house!

The nicest person by far was Ziggy. Yes, Yes I know, we should be loathing him. He was really talkative and rather good looking in real life. He mingled with us heathens, and seemed genuinely nice. I had slated that poor bloke on BBBM and now have to make a slight retraction.

I was sitting directly behind the twins who I can now tell you they are not CGI or holograms. They screamed a lot, and I asked them how it felt to be plunged straight into the BBBM studio they said in unison “Oh my god, its like deffo weird and stuff, cos we were like its totally weird, but were dead excited” It was reminiscent to me of the Los Angeles Valley Girls in the mid 90’s, “totally tubular man…I mean like gag me with a spoon dude”

Chanelle was telling everyone her agent wanted to sign them all up. She looked scarily like Victoria Beckham; it was all to single white female for my taste. Does she want her and Ziggy to be the next Posh and Becks?? Or does she secretly desire a lusty lesbian fling with her idol. Be like sleeping with a toast rack wouldn’t it. I would be afraid I would break one of Posh’s ribs in the act of lovemaking. Mr X did tell me she only has two ribs left now, as they were all removed to make her look thinner. However, I do not listen to celebrity gossip!

Wangers was there, but I did not get to speak to her as she was too busy mopping up the wine she spilt down her top. Tracey was wearing that bloody piccalilli cardigan again, that was bordering on threadbare

So let us get to the autopsy of BB. In regards to entertainment, I would have to say that it had necrosis and therefore was not very entertaining. In regards to sex and scandal, there was the Emily debacle and the chiggy sex scene. Chanelle has told heat magazine that Ziggy is “so dumped”. I imagine that will be after the copious amounts of money that they have made from every sleazy tabloid desperate enough to write about the romance of the summer.

Mr X and Madame Du Pravee had elected to move with me to my new venture The X Factor’s Big Lesbian that will start on Saturday on this very blog page!

Therefore, I will bid you adieu from Big Brother’s Big Lesbian this season, and can tell you I will be auditioning for BB9! Someone has to represent the lesbians!

Oh, and thank you to whoever it was that entered me into Miss Gay UK (heat two) which takes place at the Edge bar in Soho this Sunday!! I am not adverse to a bit of ritual humiliation, but only if it involves someone else!!

Ta Ta for now

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The road less travelled.

BREAKING NEWS: Channel 4 axes Celebrity Big Brother next year!! Is BB now up for the chop too?


NEWSFLASH: Jonty, Kara-Louise and Tracey face the public on Friday with a double eviction

Mr X is back from LA where he was following Primark Posh on her trip to see the “sights” (Beckhams). Isn’t it weird that this seems normal for Chanelle, but if someone not in the public eye was doing this, they’d be up for stalking!!

According to the Daily Scum she was mobbed outside an LA boutique by adoring fans, which then realised it wasn’t in fact Carole Vorderman at all. I wonder why Chanelle is in LA? What does LA hold for her I wonder?

Maybe the same future that all Elvis look-a-likes have in Memphis, a regular slot down the Ole Smokey Bar crooning into a microphone that smells suspiciously of sick to a crowd of three rednecks, a dog and a corpse! (All these old American bars have a corpse in them, they are always stuck at the back next to where they keep the bar snacks)

Mr X says the Americans are Luke warm to Chanelle right now, and they say if she loses 20 stone, has cheekbone implants and starts to carry around a Chihuahua in a handbag, then maybe….just maybe!!

Back to the glitzy world of Elstree and Borehamwood! The gurus have finished enlightenment; all are now fully indoctrinated into the world of shamanism. I feel just honoured and holy to look at them on the TV…were not worthy, were not worthy!

I find BB’s ideas on enlightenment a little strange to say the least. You would have thought maybe they would have sought the advice of a true guru. Mr X did ask this to the producer, and she claimed they did try to seek counsel with a guru, but the lady in question, Vanessa Feltz, was on holiday in Blackpool!

So as we gallop down the last furlong of BB8 with two weeks remaining, who will be left in the final? BB has come in for a lot of criticism of late. BB death throes they call it. Blame the wannabe factor that is the problem. I think a mass cull of all wannabees in the UK should start forthwith. I feel the real problem this year is just the mix of housemates. I mean, next year Glamour models should be banned. Anyone that has been flirting on the edge of celebrity should be banned. I want to see Joe Smith, 35, Plumber from Catford on next years BB, but with a stipulation in all housemate contracts that they can’t be signed by an agent, so Joe Smith can’t appear on DIY SOS with Prick Nolte!!

I mean it s a sad day when BB has to resort to using Freddie and Munkitty Tunkitty as a ratings pull!! They sent the soft toys on holiday, and the stuff toys miraculously managed to write postcards and drink tequila slammers with two Barbie dolls who moonlight as strippers when they can get out of the toy box.

Brian, Liam, Jonty, Kara-Louise, Gerry and Carole all face the public vote this week, and the two housemates with the most votes will face the Gurus. They will decide who is evicted. So that’s Jonty and Kara-Louise then! Mr X tells me there is going to be a weeding out on Wednesday night, so its all a matter of time before Brian wins!

Madame Du Pravee did a special BB channelling last night, and wasn’t quite sure who would come through, and after a rather disappointing start, the spirit of Buddy Holly came raging in. His favourite housemate is Tracey and he is appearing in the otherworldly aptitude show called “Heavens got Talent” and will be singing a song in her honour called ‘Rave on Phat sister’. The emcee is none other than Jim Morrison himself (Yes folks he really did die in the 17 rue Beautreillis bathtub, and isn’t living in Cleethorpes and working at the Cleethorpes MacDonald’s) If only they had bothered to do that Autopsy eh? (Google anon)

According to Buddy Holly the voting system on “Heavens got Talent” is far more honest than down here, its all done telepathically, so there can be no cheating! BB are you listening!

Let’s see who goes on Friday. I predict Kara-Louise or maybe Munkitty Tunkitty

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Interview with Adele Roberts

BBBL got to speak with Adele Roberts, former housemate on BB3, who went back into the house the other day to do the time travel task with Brain and Kara-Louise. She was joined by Alex Sibley another BB3 housemate and they had to do a sport challenge against Brian and Kara-Louise; needless to say, they won!

Brian, an avid BB watcher, was consumed with excitement when he realised they had travelled back to 2002, and had to enter the recreated “Rich side/Poor side” house. When Adele and Alex walked in….he thought Christmas and Easter had all come at once.

Adele was the first housemate to be booed on her eviction night, and we get down and dirty to exhume the truth about her BB3 experience, and to find out what’s she doing now!!

BBBL: “Firstly, how did it feel to be back in the BB house after five years?”

Adele: “Initially I was very worried about doing it. BB emailed me at work and I had to think about the ramifications of accepting, so I didn’t get back to them straight away. Instead I decided to call my mum who said basically, just do it and maybe lay some of those demons to rest!”

BBBL: “Okay, let’s talk about those demons. Did you regret your BB experience and did it change you?”

Adele: “I don’t regret going in as it has opened up some fantastic opportunities for me with my radio show. It definitely made me a better person and brought me a lot closer to my family, although I feel I could have made better choices. I was naive as to what it all entailed.”

BBBL: “Was it good to see Alex again?”

Adele: “Oh yes it was really good, I haven’t seen or spoken to him since 2002, but it felt like old times.”

BBBL: “Is Brian really that excitable?”

Adele (laughing): “Yes, and then some. There was a lot of footage they didn’t show and he was like that most of the time. Lovely guy.”

BBBL: “Would you ever consider doing BB again, like maybe CBB?”

Adele: “No, I don’t think there is any need to go back to living in that house, I think once you’ve done it, you’ve done your time.”

BBBL: “Can I ask about the famous booing on your eviction exit, how that really felt at the time?”

Adele: “Well, I was warned that it might happen by the BB producers, and we are told its all just pantomime, so not to worry about it, but of course it does affect you. I just couldn’t wait to get into the studio for my interview with Davina, as I couldn’t understand why I was being booed. I wanted to know why? I was totally perplexed by the whole thing” (…So was I, as I thought Adele hadn’t done anything wrong)

BBBL: “Ohh, talking of Davina, is she nice?”

Adele: “Yes, she’s lovely. She has two persona's though: the real Davina and the BB Davina.”

BBBL: “What good has come out of your BB experience?”

Adele: “The best thing of course is my Radio show on Rock FM; I have got to meet some amazing people like 50 cent, Akon, The Pussycat Dolls (we both jointly laugh at this point), Nelly Furtado and Fergie.”

BBBL: “Who’s Fergie?” (I was thinking the Duchess of York!)

Adele: “Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, they are just a few off the top of my head”

(…I am now thinking my music knowledge is seriously lacking!)

BBBL: “I have to ask, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

Adele: (laughing): “Yes, I have a girlfriend.” (…Sorry Cow, I did ask about you and her hooking up but her girlfriend wouldn’t like it!)

BBBL: “What are your views on CBB last year and all the controversy?”

Adele: “To be honest I wasn’t watching it, but when I heard about what was going on I tuned in. I saw the bullying scene, and it made me feel physically sick, I personally don’t think BB should have shown all that footage, it wasn’t necessary, I felt like it was going to exacerbate the situation. I know Jade got her come uppance and all, but it was just uncomfortable viewing.”

BBBL sneaks in cheeky question here: “If you go to the BB after party can I come as your date?”

Adele (laughing): “I think my girlfriend might have something to say about that! I might be DJing at the after party though, and no one knows this yet, so that’s an exclusive for you! I will see if I can get you in. I’ll see what I can do.”

BBBL: “Ah thanks, I need some pictures for my blog and I secretly wish to see the
Luscious Davina!”

BBBL: “I read that your BB experiences affected your family, how so?”

Adele: “No-one knew that I was going into the BB house, only my mum and I sort of came out in there, by my own accord of course; but my family had to deal with all of the coming out issues without me. I also didn’t fully realise that I was going to be representing the Black/Mixed race and gay community, and feel I could have handled that responsibility better. I just thought naively that it wouldn’t have had an impact, but it did, that’s my only thing that my family had to suffer because of me being in the house.”


BBBL: “Can you tell me about the radio station you work for Rock FM, and what you do there, apart from meeting famous people?”

Adele: “ Yes, I do two shows a week, one on Friday night, ‘Smooth Grooves’ from 10.00 pm to 2.00 am and Sunday breakfast from 6.00 am to 10.00am.

You can find out exactly what she’s doing on the radio station by following the link here, included is also her MY SPACE page.

http://www.rockfm.co.uk/showdj.asp?djid=28241

Thanks Adele for the interview and for being so courteous and open, what a refreshing change to speak to someone in the public eye who is just normal, and not full of their own self importance. I think we can safely say the demons are now well and truly buried and any ghosts of BB past can be exorcised. Good Luck Adele and maybe you can teach me about Smooth Grooves, as I obviously don’t have a clue!

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: In with the old, out with the new.

News Flash: Two housemates from a past series about to return to the house!!

Its all part of the time travel themed week. Which I will be using for my next blog called Blast from the Past.....stay tuned for an exclusive interview with an ex housemate!


BB has been a revolving door of late, in one house, then back again. You are now only a halfway housemate, and then you are a fully-fledged housemate. It has been hard to keep track of the housemates. I think they should have been issued electronic tagging systems, so we could know where they are located at any given time.


I mean, it is like a prison isn’t it. I feel as a BB watcher I have been given a 3-month sentence. I was hoping to be let off for good behaviour, but my parole was denied.

Shanessie Loch monster and David the Pagan got the boot tonight, and Tracey is back in her “sketchy phat stack, aving it graveeyyyyy” which means, when I consult my Ravers that are over 37 dictionary, “Oh I’m glad to be back in my temporary abode”.

Shanessie Loch Monster looked stunned when she found out she was evicted. Now I have to ask you my Diva Delectables, Why?

Her first words in the house “Do you like girls that swallow?” were plagiarised from the film Creature from the blue lagoon, the sex tapes.
She then proceeds to unleash her rather odd breasts, which reminded me of those baguettes you get from Tesco Express.


David, the Pagan, bemoaned that witches always get evicted! Yes, the Salem Witch trials went pretty much the same way David. The crowd voted via abacus, and when they found the witch they wanted to evict, they all got together with placards and booed! The evicted witches then went to a cosy studio and were “interviewed” by John Hathorne (google anon)

Mr X rushed back from the Reading Pagan Festival, after Madame Du Pravee told him that David would be evicted. She had been interrupted during a speech to the WI, by a channelling from Aleister Crowley, he inferred that David was sporting a rather large todger under that kilt, and he was predominantly straight. Mr Crowley also said the vote lines would rumble with his name, and he would be gone on Friday.

Mr X seemed quite relieved to be called back to Elstree; he had caught the eye of a white witch called Cilla who wanted tantric sex with him. He says he cannot have sex at present because it upsets his ferrets.

Therefore, we are back to one house and two new Muppets. Jonty and Kara-Louise Rice-Bush. Jonty, who seems to have a bowel complaint, only farts and laughs. Kara-Louise looks like she is straight out of the TV show of the late 70’s The Mallens


All is then back to normal at fraggle rock. Carole I feel, has become a little bit strange. I think that she really wants Ziggy to have a rummage in her rather large gusset. Those huge knickers also double as a handy hammock, and if desperately needed, a four man tent with awning. Carole wants to bag her man. They could have a future together. Carole could protest about the mistreatment on 90’s boy band members and burn her bra outside 10 Downing Street. Ziggy could have the sort of love he craves, that of a woman who will pander to his every need and iron his underpants with starch.

Shakespeare decided to come directly through to me via automatic writing, which is slightly awkward, as I was writing a cheque in the bank at the time.

He had this to say about Ziggy "To thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then be false to any man"

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Spoon me Pooh!

Move over Davina, there is a new lesbian pin up in town that goes by the name of Thaila Zucchi.

Last night I had the terrible chore of going to Big Brother’s Big Mouth. My BB friend, Cow, escorted me, as I have a phobia of driving to the Hanger Lane roundabout unaided.

Cow is like a South African TOM TOM, she guided me expertly round the streets of London. I think secretly she might be a dominatrix, and just likes to tell me what to do! Cow is not her real name, but she is in the witness protection scheme, so it would be remiss of me to reveal her real identity. Apparently, she happened upon someone stealing 10,000 dildos from the back of an Anne Summers truck, and has been in the programme ever since, as they threatened her with death by evil means. She has told me the person is famous, hence the brouhaha, but wont tell me who. All she has ever said is “think Eastenders and fake brain tumour”

Madame Du Pravee was already there when we arrived, schmoozing in the green room with Dane Bowers and junior Simpson, drinking champagne, whilst I had to do the grunt work.
She had told me earlier, that she had met up with Mr X, who was in Elstree on a mission I had sent him on. Rumour has it that the twins are in fact just a projected hologram that is beamed into the BB house, so he went to investigate. He dressed up as a BB employee and infiltrated in inner sanctum of the BB hub. He said he found it easier breaking into the Pentagon, than BB, but managed it. Once inside he spotted a door that said “Twin Hologram Projection Room”, but Vin Diesel and two snarling rottweilers guarded it, so he could go no further. Evidenced deemed inconclusive.

Anyway, I am digressing from the crux of the matter. After watching the main BB show with 41 other BB fans, squashed in an impossibly hot room, under the penetrating watchful eye of Whippet, we moved to the BBBM studio.

Now, I am sure it is hard to try to keep a live show going, and coax a studio audience all at the same time, but Thaila managed it. She put a rambling Shabnam, who was a phone caller into the show, back into her spaceship as well. Shabnam, why oh why do you still plague us? I watched the series V (google anon) I know that Shabnam possibly eats small rodents for breakfast, whilst trying to overtake the world, or in this case, the celebrity world. Therefore, Thaila, I salute you!

Now I must set a very good scene for all of you who have asked me about Thaila. After the show, even though Whippet had told us NOT to take photos, else she would behead us with a blunt Stanley knife, I rebelled, and under fear of death by beheading, or at least a nasty tetanus infection, broke ranks and approached Miss Zucchi.

Diva readers, you do not know what I do for you. I toil hour after hour in my bleak cold flat, writing the BBBL blog. I asked Thalia if she would not mind having a photo taken with BBBL, as I write a lesbian blog for Diva Magazine. Most people in the public eye recoil when they hear the word lesbian, Thaila to her credit was a good sport, and we even “snuggled” for authenticity.
I was slightly distracted by the suede thigh boots, and impossibly tiny waist, but its all for you Diva Readers…the things I have to do! I will try to find out where she will be appearing next; for all of you that are interested in her career (or is it her thigh boots I wonder?) Watch this space.

On a slightly different note. I was horrified to see poor Brian crying into his harmonica, after Charley had unleashed her bile again. Is BB condoning bullying? I kept hearing last night that Charley is entertainment. Are we that starved as a TV viewing British public for entertainment, that we mistakenly believe Charley to be good value? I do not, and I have my holy water and crucifix waiting for when she is booted!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:In out, In out, shake it all about.

I have just returned from a little holiday in Cornwall with Mr X and Madame Du Pravee. We felt we needed to recharge our BB batteries. Mr X, who has a penchant for pasties, was in his element on the craggy coast. I had a Daphne du Maurier moment on the cliffs above Red Ruth, it was all very dramatic and passionate, but unfortunately was spoilt by Mr X and his bloody cooler bag!! As I felt the wind brushing through my hair like Rebecca, Mr X decided to pull out of his paisley cooler, 12 individual trifles, and a box of mini scotch eggs. My inspired moment flew away as quick as it came.

We were also working alas. Seeing as though it was fake week in the BB house, we had a fake holiday. We stayed in a replica BB caravan, and spent a phenomenal amount of our time lying around in white duvets bitching about each other and talking about nominations. Once, spookily, I heard “would BBBL please come to the diary room,” Mr X said it was just the Cornish wind rattling the top of the caravan, although I am not convinced. In addition, an Australian woman was doing a meditation class in our campsite, and we had to connect with our inner spirit animals. Mine was a bull mastiff and Mr X called upon his, the beluga whale.

We arrived back, and went straight to Elstree for the fake eviction. Well, never have I seen such an angry mob! It was reminiscent of the Ikea crush at Edmonton! Banners were aloft, “Get Charley Out”, “Carole where’s your boobies at….oops there they are” and my personal favourite “Who killed JR…cos I weren’t me”

I wonder where the get the eviction night rent a mob. I went on eBay and did not see one. and you can get anything on eBay, livers, hearts, kidneys…..even Lorena Bobbit’s kitchen knife, with the foreskin still on it( Google it anon) Anyway, Charley left the house, was interviewed by gorgeous Davina, and then plopped back into the reality domicile. All the “get Charley out banners”, were miraculously replaced in Charley’s eyes, by banners exalting the wonders of her, and how we, the British public, lay prostate at her feet of greatness! I am no fan of Charley, but I thought it was a bit sadistic, even for my tastes. As much as she is brash and aggressive, she is young, and I hope she will manage to recover. I saw a look of absolute terror on Chanelles face when she walked back into the house…It was reminiscent of when Posh saw Gerri again at the Girl Power conference in Accrington Stanley. Poor old Liam is in for a rough ride; I bet he wished he kept up his tree felling business. Maybe its karmic retribution, for all those oak tress that have been extinguished by his hand.

Madame Du Pravee and I went to Jamaica inn, where by some twist of fate, she channelled the spirit of Charles Dickens. What a grumpy bugger he was, it was like pulling blood from a stone. His dour tone started to grate quickly, and I wanted Janis Joplin back, she was far more amusing. Charles was moaning about the Bleak BB House, and how he was worried about Gillian Anderson’s weight. I chirped in with a “shake me up Judy” as some sort of comic relief, but he was having none of it. He told us that BBBM had wind of my blog and had tapped into the channelling sessions and had managed to get Charlie Chaplin in. I thought he was too busy fathering children to bother with mere mortals like us.

Dickens also hinted that Nikki would come into her own this week, comparing her to Lady Dedlock. I hope that Nikki does start to do something! The dossier on Gerry has arrived, but we are in a feud with the Greek court over certain content..BBBL will get back to you.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Faking it with Balls of Steel.

I have spent the last two days crammed in a tent with Mr X, on the outskirts of Borhamwood. Mr X’s flatulence has been prolific, and I feel I might have succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning.

Our combat fatigue tent was nestled between two trees, the only thing that could have given us away, was the fact that Mr X likes to hang out his used tea bags to dry. He says they can be double dipped. (Although they do not provide a decent second cuppa.)

I hadn’t realised he was so tight until having to lie next to him for two nights, hoping the crabs wouldn’t jump ship and move into my sleeping bag. I do admit to sneaking out late one night, and piercing those little tea bags with my Swiss army knife. We had Australian delicacies provided by Endemol, like pickled Koala scrotum pate and Kangaroo uterus, which strangely, tasted just like tofu! Mr X does like to try new things.

We were watching the entire goings on at BB from the grassy knoll with the new housemate “Pauline Pooh”. In BB’s fake week she will have to convince the housemates, she is actually a BB contestant from Oz, and has been swapped for a few days. Unfortunately, it looks like Ziggy has already smelt a rat! (If he weren’t a smoker, his sense of smell, would definitely be better.)

When Carole’s large dangling breasts posed questions about Australia, poor old Pooh did not know what to say! Admittedly, neither would I if I were faced by Barnes Wallis' bouncing bombs. I fear I would collapse from the shock of seeing the beasts up close and personal.

I hope Pauline will get a good innings. Ziggy already thinks he has met her before. Pauline (actress Thalia Zucchi from Balls of Steel fame) used to be a groupie for Northern Line and is a BB stooge, sent in to rattle the hornets nest.

Mr X and I did toast our Laura farewell from our canvas abode. I thought I got a sniff in the wind of her leopard print housecoat, but it wasn’t, a ferret had crawled under a nearby bush and died. Madame Du Pravee paid us a visit, and we did a channelling session by gaslight. It was all very Blair Witch. I had my beanie hat on and obligatory hanging bogey from my right nostril and Mr X ,dressed in his flannel lumberjack shirt, ran around the forest screaming. I found out later the screams were not from fear of seeing the Borehamwood Witch, but rather a flare up of his crab situation.

Madame Du Pravee gave me a warning, she told me I would be involved in a controversy but did not want to elaborate. Mama Cass who had by chance spirited in to the wrong channelling session had given this information. Mama was meant to go to Gayle Porter, who was sulking around her London flat where she died from a ham sandwich overdose, but ended up in Madame Du Pravee’s mind instead. Mama Cass also told Madame that due to staff shortages “up there” all extra sensory communication would stop on Friday 13th, as they are on strike over pay and dental/health benefits.

She also told us of a blossoming relationship between Ziggy and Carole. After the Carole Lap Dance, which I found somewhat disturbing, Mama Cass told us a flood of bets were being placed on Heaven’s Power for a Ziggy/Carole house romance. I cannot tell you who will win BB, as I do not want to spoil the surprise. Suffice it to say " am I bothered".

I have a meeting this week with the infamous “Ed the Lead” who is a BB informant with The Scum Daily newspaper, he has a dossier on Gerry that would shock the habit of a nun.

Keep tuned for all the gossip BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Charley and the BB PR factory.

Mr X is back from Leeds, with a knapsack full of shocking revelations and a nasty case of crabs. We had a talk about it, and the implications it has on his professional acumen, and he did say that it was an unfortunate accident.

Apparently, he was sent to a Leeds nightclub trying to find one of the many men that Chanelle has claimed to have bagged. He was pointed, by a man called Doug, to the RINNERS Nightclub, a favourite haunt of Poshish Spice.
Due to a mix up with the cab driver and his lack of comprehension for the English language, he ended up in RIMMER’S nightclub instead. There, a burly man with chaps on took him to his “office” as he said he had proof of Chanelle’s dalliances on CCTV, the rest the say is History. Mr X did see a faded poster on the wall of Northern Line though. Maybe Ziggy has a slim change of a career on the gay club circuit. Along with the Krankies and Bonnie Langford.

I had a root through the knapsack for all juicy morsels of scandal that Mr X uncovered. It seems that the poisonous asps are closer to home. Big Brother bosses are so desperate to keep Charley in the house, that they fabricate footage, or in several instances “lose” footage altogether. I think BB is the same as New Labour. It is almost akin to the conspiracy of JFK. The twins were the lone gunmen on the grassy knoll. A new housemate called Lee Harvey Oswald will be sent into the house, and will be arrested, because he calls Charley vile. I have called David Icke, and he is sending in an undercover runner for Endelmol. The man, who I cannot name, starts tomorrow, as the camera run cleaner. All footage he gets will be feed via satellite link to David’s HQ in Battersea Rise. It will be stripped of all white noise, so you will not hear a word from Charley.

So once again mammoth breasts is up for eviction, along with Tracey and Billi. BB punished Charley severely for talking about nominations. Her punishment involved her being let off the public vote. I guess having a face like Charley’s is punishment enough.

Poor old Carole, the woman is reduced to eating slops, and Tracey is bumming in the Phat Stack, cos it aint gravey no more. Billi is wanking off to his own reflection. The twins are plotting a cunning plan, to overtake the world, and Chiggy are being as repellent as ever. To be honest, I am losing the will to live. I’m being seduced over to BBC by the series Rome. All the lesbian action a girl could want, with murder and intrigue, politics and bestiality. Another bonus, there are some mighty hot women in the series too!

I will get over my BB slump, we all have them, like a long-term relationship, it peaks and troughs. I am sure as soon as I see the secret cave opened, it will become addictive again.

I called Madame Du Pravee with my BB blues concern, and she did a channelling session on my behalf. Expecting Shakespeare to come through, she was shocked to have channelled the spirit of Janis Joplin. It seems that Shakespeare is still smarting over the Brian comment, and is spending his time in the hallowed halls of Wimbledon haunting the Ladies locker room.

Janis was in fine fettle. She hinted that” upstairs” as they call it, have a show similar to Big Brothers Big Mouth, in which they discuss BB. Nostradamus hosts it, but apparently, he does not let anyone get a word in and is always saying, “Told you so!” Nostradamus had this to say about Friday’s eviction

The house will be stripped of its forces by fraud,
The bathroom blockaded, passages for the spy;
Two false friends will come to a slanging match
And awaken hatred for a long time dormant.

Mr X and I are meeting on Friday as big things are afoot, hopefully the antibiotics and cream will have soothed Mr X’s affliction by then.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The Da "Twin" ci Code

With Mr X away on an undercover mission in Leeds uncovering the suspicious claims of the BB I.Q test, in which Chanelle scored the highest, I was given a rare day off, so called upon the half-dead poets society.

We all convened at the Pig and Whistle's back room, especially kept for poker nights, and clandestine showings of The O.C.

Our society has been running for over a decade, and this meeting was set up to discuss BB and the possibility that the twins might be involved in an international cover up hiding the secrets of the universe. Our society is almost like a religion, we are also known as the Dopus Gay in certain eclectic circles, although we do not feel the need to flagellate ourselves with whips, well only if we want to, our main aim is to get word out that Ruth Kelly is indeed a gay woman. The half-dead poets’ society started after we all attended a Pam Ayres poetry reading with special guest the artist formerly known as Ken Dodd.

Our little group consists of some prominent social figures. “The Albino” is 5 ft 7 and used to be an ex racing greyhound who was found roaming the streets of Walthamstow. She has a compulsion to talk, and has to be subdued with a cloth muzzle and a dried out pigs ear. Ms J, daughter of the infamous Secret Squirrel, the espionage spy of the 1970’s, is an informant for Her Majesty Prison, and has a Dildo fetish, which can get the better of her at times. She also needs to be subdued with large amounts of morphine and hypnosis involving the image of KD Lang naked. There are others, but they are famous, and I have promised to protect their identity. What I can say is “We are not amused”

After several tequilas and Cuban cigars, the topic of the twins stepped into high gear. Through the acrid layer of cigar smoke, an interesting hypothesis was born. Are the twins the conduits for the secret knowledge of the universe? The Albino’s allegorical slant is that they are micro-chipped in their brains, and when a certain word is said, they omit a small frequency wave to a sub station in Kazakhstan where large German women called Ingrid decode it. We think the word is hair straighteners but need that confirmed by Liam’s homing pigeons who land on the Angel of the North at sunrise, when the code will be illuminated. Mr X will be called back from Leeds, to check out this lead.

The housemates talked of our consultant Shakespeare this week, and he was so appalled that Brian thought he was a cocktail drink, that he has declined to comment, until he has calmed down. How can so little, be known by so many in such a small house? It is obvious that BB researchers were not combing the halls of Mensa in their quest for housemates. but wandered into the halls of Mecca Bingo instead, Number 11….Charley’s IQ…..

In a rare glimpse of humour in Elstree this week, Charley has been put into a caravan with Forest Gump. Poor old Brian, I would imagine being shacked up with Charley would be like Chinese water torture….If I send a photo of Charley to the Rate My Poo website, I wonder if she would get a full score?

Tracey has been quiet, I thought I saw her floating down Glastonbury high street in her Phat tent but was mistaken, it was actually Vinny Jones. The toaster and kettle went missing on Friday morning, and it was only after Carole took her bra off, did they realise that they had accidentally been caught under her right breast. The worrying thing about it was, also under there was a TV remote, a packet of pork scratchings and a Ford Fiesta.

Gerry is missing Seany, after he was evicted on Saturday, wearing a tea cosy on his head, and Chanelle and Ziggy’s relationship is off and on like a nuns knickers at Evensong.

Ziggy and Chanelle will soon be at it in the secret room, an act I certainly do not want to witness. It is bad enough we have no lesbian action, but worse still to see Cliff Richard and Victoria Beckham going at it hammer and tongs. I am sure heat magazine will do a five-page spread of Chiggy in a stately home draped over a chez-lounge wearing leopard print clothing, looking deceptively happy. I am sure I would be happy at £500,000 in my pocket for a fake romance too.

When I get word of the Leeds story, I will make sure I break it as soon as I can. Until then, let me leave you with an ancient Chinese Proverb for Brian Gump.

“Man who sleeps in same caravan as Piranha will end up getting his testicles bitten”

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The French Connection

Another nomination call rolls around, and Mr X has returned from South East London with news of Interpol chasing the rapper formerly known as 43pence.
Mr X spent a rather nasty afternoon at CATFISH BOB’S GYM in an undisclosed location sniffing the jockstraps of boxers to get the scoop for us.

43pence has been missing for 20 days, and rumours abound in every pie ‘n’ mash shop in the area, that the rapper has donned women’s clothes, and entered the Big Brother House.
They can do wonders with make up these days, I mean look at Vanessa Feltz, but I could not quite place it. In a moment of inspiration, and help from Madame Pravee, I managed to get a picture of Charley and with help of Photoshop, and a very cute soft butch woman called Mandy (aren’t they all), we took Charley’s hair off. Well, I know we all have doppelgangers, but this was almost symbiotic. Charley is 43pence. First, benefit fraud, now impersonating an IT girl. The woman needs a prison cell.

Talking of money, all eyes have been on Davina tonight, mine especially, as I had a dream about her and me, a tub of onken mousse and a Thornton’s chocolate fountain but I digress. The £100,000 was up for grabs tonight and after minimal discussion, Liam the Tree surgeon scooped the lot. Charley has already been sniffing around like a bloodhound on heat. Not bad for a nights work Liam, think of all the trees you can help with Dutch elm disease.

Nominations are always an emotive subject, this week is no different. Carole, once again, has been sent to the lions of Elstree, along with Seany and Jonathon. I will continue to stand by Carole, not only because of her Bisexual standing and large flopping breasts, but because she is clean. No one can get a toilet sparkling like our Carole, not even the skinny Mr muscle man. Keep the women in, I am imploring you!

Seany, I hope, is getting his eviction outfit ready. It is bound to consist of a sweatband, 12-inch record on a chain, topped off by a tight fitting technicoloured dream coat. I hope every door will be closed to him, so we will not have to see his florid face again.

Jonathan who looks scarily like Dr Spock, will I expect, exact some Vulcan death grip on another housemate if he is evicted. Maybe he will try to fry Nikki’s brain by telepathic force, and convince her that she does find him attractive. Live long and prosper Jonathon, just not on our TV screens.

In true French Anglo relations, BB decided to do the swim the channel task. I wanted to see them all lathered up in goose fat, but BB decided to go for the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang style instead. Chanelle, due to minus million degree cold, could not manage more than 14 lengths of the pool. Ah bless, must be hard swimming in Nicole Ritchie’s sunglasses. The other housemates have remained under the radar, but Mr X is about to break open Pandora’s box. Is Pandora a new housemate you ask?

I have it on top authority, even Blair does not know this, that Tracey will be “aveing it” in her own “phat”tent in the BB mock up of the Glastonbury festival, taking place in the BB garden. Special measures have been assigned to guarantee authenticity. Ecoli will be syringed into the food, and a drug dealer called Percy, will be loitering about near the smoking area, like the tambourine man, with a cacophony of illicit pharmaceuticals. The twins will be centre stage, doing the “Macarena” and Ziggy will of course be singing his classic Summer Holiday. Sue Barker, who is cryogenically frozen every year until Wimbledon starts, will be joining Ziggy in a feeble attempt to make him look straight.

Madame Pravee was asked to go on Sixth sense with Colin Fry this week, but as a loyal fan, decided a session with Shakespeare would be more beneficial, and also confessed to a dislike of men that looked like Roland Rat. Hee Hee rats fans…

Shakespeare decided on a tragic spiritual siphoning this time. He is also sporting a new haircut, and has taken a liking to the clothes of Pierre Cardin. These other realm beings can be very shallow. Forget the image of harps and angels on clouds. This season in heaven, it is all about tailored suits and tickets to Wimbledon. Maybe the spirit of Arthur Ashe can come back and give Mauresmo a bit of a help with her inconsistent form.

Thanks William for our new Channel. Enjoy your shopping at Brent Cross this weekend.

“A glooming peace this evening with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head: Go hence, to have more talk of these food things; Some shall be pardon'd with £100,000 and some punished. For never was a story of more woe.Than this of Carole, Seany and the Gigolo.”

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Here we go!

ATTENTION: Want to win a free ticket to join Big Brother's Big Lesbian at the filming of BB Big Mouth this Friday? Details at the end of this blog...

As Big Brother's Big Lesbian I have resigned myself to the fact that I will have no summer, and I can accept that. The BB onslaught has started again and my source at Endemol, who I will call "MR X", has given me some juicy titbits. Mr X is not unlike the "smoking man" in the X Files. If I leave a cross on my window made out of duct tape, he knows to meet me behind the bins at Asda,in-between the green bottles receptacle and the bin where all those hideous stale hedgehog breads are thrown. We exchange glances from under our trilbys and he hands me an envelope... So from now on, when I put Mr X, you will know of whom I speak!!!

So, the girls and token male are in residence at the Big Brother Asylum, and to be frank, of all of the many thousands of people that auditioned, this is what we end up with!! I notice the conspicuous lack of lesbians again this year!!! They refused to acknowledge my advice for an all lesbian household!! Talk about all the drama/sex/arguments that you could have shaken a stick at... but that's their loss.

Okay I must confess that I have a crippling fear of twins, so this will be a long summer!! There main aim in life is to "buy things pink, and go to theme parks" They did a random twin break dance/body popping routine that would not have looked at of place at a care in the community event. Mr X has told me that they went to have nose reconstruction surgery before BB, but by some cruel twist of fate, Teddie and Babs from the Beverley sisters were also in at the same time, and Amanda and Sam ended up having the Beverley Sisters double lobotomy. I'm not sure anyone has noticed yet. Hope they get evicted on Friday!!

Carole, Carole, Carole!!! Our little Bi Sister. I can't listen to her bleeding heart,vitriolic rants on the state of the third world, or oppression of Muslim women in Afghanistan. It's not that I don't want to listen, or that I don't care. The real fact of it is, she has the most enormous pair of breasts I have ever seen. They are like tools for hypnosis!! I find myself transfixed in an apoplectic state. I think about all the hunger in the world and realise she could feed half of Africa on one boob! She did try to mediate a "house meeting" ( and I use this phrase in its loosest sense) but no-one seemed to care. Perhaps they are also in a mammary trance . Mr X says that BB executives had to commission NASA to create a holder to keep the beasts at bay, using old heat shield tiles from the space shuttle and a couple of nose cones from SPUTNIK. Want to see past the boobs and hear if she has anything worthy to say.

Chanelle. The Chav mans version of Chanel. Spiritual inspiration is Victoria Beckham. Wants to be famous. Maybe she could get into the Guinness book of records as having the lowest IQ ever recorded. Her attempts at trying to snag Ziggy are, up till now, going unnoticed. Although her date with Ziggy looks promising. Mr X tells me that although she has repeatedly written to Victoria, and loitered around the gates of Beckenham Palace, the restraining order still stands and her pleas are being brutally rebuffed. Victoria was quoted as saying in the Anorexic Gazette " Chanelle is too needy for me to befriend, and the risk is she might sleep with David, and I cant have that. My new LA boutique is about to open and I've already fallen out with Katie Cruise-Holmes over her saying I was "twee". Chanelle needs to read a book and get a life, maybe she might grow on me!!

Charley is by far the gobbiest most sycophantically motivated housemate this year. Her cousin's ex-boyfriend's dog's shampooer, is a friend, so she has the in with the WAG set. Doing BB as she has nothing better to do... Oh yes, she's unemployed.. That's right... Boring aint it!!! Life philosophy includes being a celebrity and to be on page 3 of Nuts magazine. I'm so happy that Channel 4 decide to represents the UK's finest!! She thinks Frank Lampard is a twat, as she met him in a nightclub. She is already in an epic battle for alpha female status with Emily. I find her Eskimo boots with Daisy Dukes a little disconcerting! As much as she dresses up she still looks slightly low rent. I must admit though, she has spirit, so I would like to see if the first few days are just her being a d*ckhead. Hope she develops over the series. I will be watching her. Chance she might be booted on Friday though. Mr X says there will be more Gossip to come out on her in the next few weeks. The Daily Mirror are relying on it.

Emily. I can't even say her name without wanting to spit nails. Says that she and her sisters are the Paris Hilton's of Bristol. Are her sisters in a Bristol Correctional Facility serving time for drunk driving offences also?? Not dissimilar to Mr Ed, has a penchant for annoying arrogance and condescension. Thinks she's smart, but with the average IQ in the house probably under that of a brain damaged whelk, that's not much of a statement to make. Mr X says that she failed her intelligence test on a job interview as "salad sorter" on the MacDonald's Big Mac counter. Isn't interested in getting fame from BB, but is a DRAMA STUDENT... hmmm... what's that I smell...ohh Yes, it's bullshit. I hope that Charley inserts one of her Eskimo boots up Ms I-wannabe-a Hilton's west country arse on her way out on Friday. Think she will still be around next week though....

Laura. The Welsh Nanny from the valleys. Talks about food a lot and seems very genuine. Could it be possible that she might, in fact be "normal". I'm sure in the next few weeks I will be forced to eat my words. Slightly suspicious as she is taking a back seat and not creating too many waves. Mr X says that he unearthed a birth certificate claiming that Laura was in fact the secret love child and Jo Brand and Bernard Manning. When they found out they offered a Welsh Woman they found in the phone book, a one off payment for raising Laura. Hope she scrapes through the nominations and stays so we can relish in some welsh one liners. Needs to dump the Bet Lynch Pyjamas.

Lesley, aka anyone's History teacher at school. Now, I LOVE the Women's Institute. A fine and credible British association. I can make a great Victoria Sponge courtesy of the WI. I even bought the calendar. It was the sight of large floppy boobs well hidden by various baked goods that was too much to ignore. I stand alone in my like for Lesley. Yes she moans, yes she whines, yes she wouldn't be able to understand what "poking about in your lady garden meant" but it is refreshing to see an older lady in the house. I like her Germaine Greer appeal, but am perplexed as to why she went into the house!! In the diary room stated it was a good time to leave now, but then backtracked by letting BB decide her fate. When caught crying into her duvet retorted she was "sniffing her mattress" Is that A WI trait? She could do a half hour cooking slot in the house. I eager to learn how to make a moist Madeira cake. Fear that she will be back in the WI selling threadbare teddies on the Tombla Stall by Saturday!! The old girls days are numbered me thinks.

Nicky seems to be a contender for the lesbian of the house award. Hates men with a passion but would sleep with Callum Best. Well he's more of a woman than I am, so that doesn't count. That just means she has incredibly bad taste. Thinks she is an enigma and that we, the meek British public, will have to unpick her mysterious threads, to reach the essence of her. Not convinced about that. She seems as enigmatic as a cube of cheese on a cheese pineapple stick. Perhaps given the benefit of the doubt, she might end up being all she claims she is!! Well,all we care about is, Is she a goddamn lesbian? Got a shite birthday present from BB. Mr X whispers that all is not as it seems, rumour has it she has more in her lady garden than meets the eye!! Not sure of her staying power.

Shabnam claims she has boundless energy and will woo us with her larger than life personality. Tries to come across as a modern day Yoda.Well my reply to that is “Not if anything to say about it I have” I feel utterly luke warm about Shabnam, and she will have to pull out all the stops to live up to her own hype. Maybe she will answer life's most confusing conundrums whilst picking her spots in the bathroom mirror. Not convinced but maybe her inner Yoda will start to shine more brightly. Mr X can't be bothered to find anything about her.

Tracey the Phat Carrier bag collector. If Tracey is 36 then I am concerned that all her "raves" are by some weird chance accelerating the aging process in some Freaky Friday osmosis. Will never go to another festival again in fear of contracting this weird osmosis virus. Got to be the only true lesbian in the house.Thanks Endemol!! Does have interesting things to say like "Come on ave it like yeah...cool." Propensity to slight demonic possession. There is a possibility she might be harbouring an incubus..or if you're a lesbian would that be a succubus?? Inquiring minds want to know!! Well if she is, would that rate on BB betting as the first couple to have sex in the house? Interplanetary sex...now that's worth a thought....that would be Phat!! Already embroiled in a scandal. "Pissgate" started during the team meet, when she was unveiled as a person that urinates in the shower. The other housemates didn't want to get impetigo from her waste products!! Looks like a poodle on crack. Think she might blossom though.....hope she will have s*x with her succubus and relax into the BB experience.

Ziggy used to be a band member of Northern Line...how sad that he couldn't even make Celebrity Big Brother....one of his other band mates is working in Gourmet Burger...wow love on the Northern Line really didn't fill the piggy bank did it. Ziggy is dating the ladies in a marathon dinner debacle. If he was a model then there is hope for Chanelle after all. Looking to reinstate his minor celebrity status from his old band days. You never know he might be headlining at Chicago's Nightclub in Peckham by September.Slimy little git ,that in my opinion seems very gay. Mr X says that the Chariots Spa in Streatham is his favourite hangout and he double dates with two men called Clive who wear leather chaps and aren't adverse to buggery. Hope he lasts as long as his previous career.....

Okay The nominations are in and Ziggy has decided that its Emily Hilton and Shabnam to face eviction this Friday. Let the public stoning begin. I'm pleased as I will be taking my bag of gravel and ten tonnes of paving slabs in hopes of throwing my wares at Ms Emily.

I will also be on Big Brother's Big Mouth and have an extra ticket for any DIVA reader brave enough to vent their spleen on TV. Email carol@millivres.co.uk to enter. You will need to be at Elstree Studios at 9pm this Friday 8 June. DIVA is not responsible for travel arrangements. Entries close at noon on Friday 8 June.

Keep tuned my lovelies for the next instalment of Big Brother's Big Lesbian.