Big Brother's Big Lesbian: BB Post Mortem and Autopsy report

Brian wins the elusive BB crown and the bookies are saved from paying out millions if the twins had won. Do you smell a conspiracy….I DO?

I was able to watch the BB finale at Elstree with the Big Mouth crew and I was surprised that Brian had won. I thought the twins had “deffo” got in the bag. Even Madame Du Pravee didn’t pinpoint Brian as the winner, although I predicted it back ages ago, maybe I should be the psychic now?

I will set the scene for you. I am glammed up, well as much as I can be, and sitting with all the housemates from weeks gone by and straight from the house.

We are given champagne (I will use that term loosely, as I suspect it might have been cava) Shabnam is on full alien alert and Lesley, you remember, Mrs WI was saying to me “are you officialdom?” I retorted, “No, I’m just a nutter who has spent every Tuesday in this hell-hole of a studio talking nonsense”

I liked Lesley; she was funny in an upper class sort of way. I had a deep discussion with Carole, who was telling me how dirty the house was and that her land snail had died, and she wondered if I would sit on the dirty diary room chair, as it was riddled with germs and possible Gonorrhoea.
She was concerned about the people who had to go in and clean up! It was not a real house Carole…it was a studio set.

Nicky was lovely, and extremely pretty in real life. I still adhere to the philosophy that she was booted excessively early, and she could have developed more. I will be hoping to get an interview with her shortly to discuss her premature ejaculation from the house!

The nicest person by far was Ziggy. Yes, Yes I know, we should be loathing him. He was really talkative and rather good looking in real life. He mingled with us heathens, and seemed genuinely nice. I had slated that poor bloke on BBBM and now have to make a slight retraction.

I was sitting directly behind the twins who I can now tell you they are not CGI or holograms. They screamed a lot, and I asked them how it felt to be plunged straight into the BBBM studio they said in unison “Oh my god, its like deffo weird and stuff, cos we were like its totally weird, but were dead excited” It was reminiscent to me of the Los Angeles Valley Girls in the mid 90’s, “totally tubular man…I mean like gag me with a spoon dude”

Chanelle was telling everyone her agent wanted to sign them all up. She looked scarily like Victoria Beckham; it was all to single white female for my taste. Does she want her and Ziggy to be the next Posh and Becks?? Or does she secretly desire a lusty lesbian fling with her idol. Be like sleeping with a toast rack wouldn’t it. I would be afraid I would break one of Posh’s ribs in the act of lovemaking. Mr X did tell me she only has two ribs left now, as they were all removed to make her look thinner. However, I do not listen to celebrity gossip!

Wangers was there, but I did not get to speak to her as she was too busy mopping up the wine she spilt down her top. Tracey was wearing that bloody piccalilli cardigan again, that was bordering on threadbare

So let us get to the autopsy of BB. In regards to entertainment, I would have to say that it had necrosis and therefore was not very entertaining. In regards to sex and scandal, there was the Emily debacle and the chiggy sex scene. Chanelle has told heat magazine that Ziggy is “so dumped”. I imagine that will be after the copious amounts of money that they have made from every sleazy tabloid desperate enough to write about the romance of the summer.

Mr X and Madame Du Pravee had elected to move with me to my new venture The X Factor’s Big Lesbian that will start on Saturday on this very blog page!

Therefore, I will bid you adieu from Big Brother’s Big Lesbian this season, and can tell you I will be auditioning for BB9! Someone has to represent the lesbians!

Oh, and thank you to whoever it was that entered me into Miss Gay UK (heat two) which takes place at the Edge bar in Soho this Sunday!! I am not adverse to a bit of ritual humiliation, but only if it involves someone else!!

Ta Ta for now

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Clash of the not so Titans

Well, I spent another evening in the studio of Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Mr X had a night off to go and see Spamalot with Mrs X, as it was there 10th wedding anniversary. I had suggested to him that perhaps a weekend in Paris or Rome might be slightly more romantic, but was brutally rebuffed. He said that he would stump up for a packet of minstrels for her….The man knows no barriers when it comes to romance.

Anyway, what a night it turned out to be. The studio guests were Chanelle and Charley! Whippet, the audience facilities manager, had a tight hold of the reigns, for concerns of mutiny, and alcohol was denied for fear of a studio audience uprising.

I said “Look Whippet, its not Les Miz, we won't make a ship barricade out of the seats, and scream Viva La France”.

However, Whippet held firm, her strong Northern accent still rings in my delicate ears. I imagine Whippet to be an either shit or get of the pot kind of girl, my favourite!

Charley and Chanelle went head to head, the tension in the studio could have been cut with a blunt pair of plastic scissors. Chanelle, and as you know Diva beauties, has not fared too well in my blog so far, was surprisingly articulate and composed. She had a new haircut courtesy of David Beckham’s hair stylist, and it looked great!
She was very excited about the Spice Girls Reunion tour, I hope she realises that it does not seem to be going hitch free in the Spice camp, and the reunion tour might happen when they are all pulling their pensions from the post office. Will their song be Octogenarian Power?

It all seemed to go well, until Charley cottoned onto the fact that Chanelle had more support, and then it all went Pete Tong. I made a comment to the fact that it was not in fact the Charley show, and the arguments were just pointless and banal. Charley spent the rest of the show staring me down. I was like a Wild Western movie. I imagined tumbleweed and a dusty road, me and Charley face to face in a nameless town, gun holsters to the ready. I have a horse called Troy and a pocketful of chewing tobacco, she has a pouch full of bitterness, and is not afraid to use it. Her horse has bolted because someone locked the door after he had gone.
I admit now to being a weakling, but did not shy away from the gaze. Whippet lurked on the sidelines like Robert De Niro’s character in meet the parents. I hope I am still in Whippet's circle of trust!

To both their credits, I think facing a BBBM audience must be frightening. Chanelle came across the best, Charley just looked bored, and might be realising that her race to the million pounds might be harder than she thought.

Madame Du Pravee tuned in on my behalf to a question I asked her when we were in Mama Dumpling’s ordering dim sum “Who does Kara-Louise remind you of?”

Shakespeare, who has now decided he has forgiven Brian’s faux pas, came through with a startling truth. Kara-Louise is in fact the secret love child of Condoleezza rice and George W Bush! She was conceived on Air Force one in a passionate mile high club moment! God Bless America

I now have to lie down from the trauma of last night and regain my strength as I am going with Mr X and the Albino to the Pagan festival in Reading to get the dirt on David.

Sitting-on-a-Stump-thinking, my Native American friend, is coming to town next week, and I am going to try to Channel instead of Madame Du Pravee, who needs a break from a heavy work schedule with Derek Acorah. I might need the help of his ayahuasca plant for inspiration

BBBL

See BBBL in action courtesy of YOUTUBE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wUtqOiF_g