Miss Gay UK: Interview with Rachael Cobain.

I feel like a Persian prince with a harem….all these women to interview, so little time! For those of you wondering about the X-Factor blog, that will be following shortly.

Firstly, I must tell of a dream I had involving my heroine, Nigella Lawson, and a rather opulent plate of profiteroles. I was a contestant on Masterchef, and I had one hour to make Michelin start profiteroles. The judges were Germaine Greer and luscious Nigella.

In this dream I had one of those aprons on that resembles a woman wearing a bra and knickers, you know that apron, there is one in every home in the UK. Your uncle wears it at Christmas, anyway I messed up my choux pastry, and it looked liked polyfiller. Nigella came over, eyed my cement blob, and said “God that looks like shit, but I’m sure it’s salvageable!” Moreover, with that she whipped me with a pink tassel, suddenly as if by magic, my cement blob turned into the most perfect pastry the world has ever known. I win Masterchef, marry Nigella and move to Provence!

Back to the job at hand and the Miss Gay UK’s finalist interviews. The next poor old soul to get the “treatment” is Rachael Cobain. She is from Manchester is 20 years young and has a wicked sense of humour!

MGUBL: “So Rachael, why did you enter Miss Gay UK?”

RACHAEL: “Basically because I’m nosey and geeky, and I’d never seen the competition before, so I thought I would give it a good go. I just thought feck it.”

MGUBL: “Were you nervous at all?”

RACHAEL: “Yes, it was very daunting. There were 26 contestants, and we had two heats. The competition was stiff; there were some fantastic women there.”

MGUBL: “What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?”

RACHAEL:“ Well, I make a complete tit out of myself every weekend (laughs) but the time when I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me was when I was first coming out. I was walking down Canal Street and it was Manchester pride. I had just enrolled at my sixth form college and saw my PE teacher walking along with a group of friends. She was absolutely gorgeous by the way. Anyway, my friends call out to her ‘Oi Oi, Rachael really fancies you’ I could have died on the spot. The PE teacher says you are Rachael aren’t you? I’ll see you at hockey practice on Monday…It took me months to get over that”


MGUBL: “What do you do when you’re not stalking PE teachers on Canal Street?”

RACHAEL: “I have a boring job, I sell insurance for the CO-OP, but I have put an application form in to be a police officer, so hopefully soon I will be training for that”

MGUBL: “How do you spend you’re free time?”

RACHAEL: “I spend most weekends with friends; I go to the pictures a lot as im trying to save money. We have dinner parties. I like to say that I am selectively single at the moment?”

MGUBL: “If you win Miss Gay UK would it change you?”


RACHAEL:"No, it would not change me. I have people coming up to me in Manchester congratulating me. I would bring a bit of fun with the title, and would like to make positive changes for the community. I am also interested in organizing charity events.”

MGUBL: “Who do you think is the hottest Lesbian icon?”

RACHAEL: “Oh I have to say Sharon Stone, she’s gorgeous. I mean we have Ellen, feck Ellen, give me Sharon every time”

I would rather not feck Ellen If I am honest; she has too much money and wears Cashmere sweaters, which bring me out in a rash.

MGUBL: “What do you think you might have been in a past life?”

RACHAEL: “I think I must have been a well kept woman, my pay packet this lifetime isn’t cutting it.”

MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

RACHAEL:“This is going to sound odd but I have a phobia of wooden lollipop sticks. If im eating a FAB, I have to get a friend to put the wrapper round the stick so I can’t see it.”


MGUBL: “What reality TV show would you consider entering?”

RACHAEL: “Definitely Big Brother, that’s the show that gets the most publicity, so I would do it purely for that reason. Big Brother is really addictive. I usually start watching properly a couple of weeks in.”

MGUBL: “Seeing as though you appreciate women so much Demi Moore or Angelina Jolie?”

RACHAEL:“Oh my god definitely Demi Moore, she gorgeous for an older woman and has a great body?”

It is funny that most of the girls I have interviewed like older women. There is hope for all of us that are pushing 40.


MGUBL: “What would you like to say to the lesbian community?”

RACHAEL: “I think basically that I would love to be given the opportunity to do well in Miss Gay UK, so I could promote it more. I met up with Mr Gay UK in Manchester, and he gave me advice on what to expect from the final, and what he has been through since winning. I am interested in making a positive change. I want to get the ball rolling. I think Miss Gay UK should be as big as Mr Gay UK should. I feel lesbians are slightly sidelined, and they need to get out there and get a voice. I really want to be able to up the lesbian profile so we can all make a difference collectively.”

Thanks so much to Miss Cobain, who entertained me immensely, and has offered to buy me tequila on the 9th to steady my nerves…The little Lothario.

Next interview coming shortly. Please support this event as much as you can, as we can all make a difference. http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/

MGUBL

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Andrea Kenny

You will all be happy to know that my man flu is on the wane. Well certain people I know were secretly hoping that the strain of flu I had, would metastasize into a vile disease, which would incapacitate my vocal cords forever! They are well and truly out of my will now.

My collection of Victorian vibrators will have to find a new home after my passing!

My next victim to enter the seedy world of the Miss Gay UK interview arena is Andrea Kenny.

She hails from Brighton and is a reincarnation, we think, of Janis Joplin. She also has a bunch of groupies from Kent that are following her music career with keen eyes, and freshly laundered undercrackers that they throw at her on stage.

Well they do not but it sounds more rock and roll. Not bad though for a 26 year old to have groupies at all. She also suffers from a phobia of gubbins, those errant bits of crumb/richtea/disgestive/tobacco bits that end up in the bed. Gubbins is a technical term for these nasty rogue pieces of crap.

MGUBL: “How did your journey into Miss Gay UK transpire?”

ANDREA: “Well, I actually live at the Marlborough in Brighton and they hosted the event, so really I did it for a bit of a laugh. My girlfriend chickened out, so I went ahead anyway.”

MGUBL: “What do you think was the one thing that got you into the final?”

ANDREA: “To be honest I think it was my answer to the question they gave me- would winning Miss Gay UK change you? - My answer was NO!”

A one-word answer girl, my kind of chick. There is a gravelly smoothness to her voice, which is actually very soothing. I might have to hire her to help me with my hypnosis! I am planning on taking over the world via hypnotic induction. It is a five-year plan.

MGUBL: “How many tattoos do you have?”

ANDREA: “I have 15 tattoos and (at this point I hear her counting) 5 piercings”

She does tell me the names of the piercings but they sound like foreign cities or karma sutra sex positions! I know one called Ampallang but this knowledge came from a rather drunken night in the annals of backstreet Soho, and my subconscious mind has thankfully blocked this out!

MGUBL: “Tell me about your true passion your music?”

ANDREA: “I’m a singer/songwriter, and have been for ten years. I a resident artist at the Marlborough, and play all around the country. I played at Brighton pride and have a CD out called Andrea Kenny Procrastination. Unfortunately, they have all sold out so I am just waiting for more to come in. I really want to break into the mainstream consciousness.


MGUBL: “What type of music do you play?”

ANDREA: “It’s Bluesy Acoustic inspired by the likes of Janis Joplin and KT Tunstall.”

For all of you interested in hearing Andrea Kenny’s music go to her myspace page and prepare to be inspired.

www.myspace.com/andreakennymusic


MGUBL: “Who is you’re favourite lesbian Icon, Angelina and KD don’t count?”

ANDREA: “I would have to say Janis Joplin, cos she liked the ladies too, and also James Dean. I don’t tend to view people as lesbian or heterosexual, I just like people”

I wonder if, in fact, James Dean was a lesbian trapped in mans body, not unlike Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

MGUBL “X-Files or Star Trek?”

ANDREA: “It’s got to be Star Trek I was raised on Star Trek. I used to sit on my dad’s knee a lot and watch it”

MGUKBL: “Were you possibly breastfed on Star Trek?”

ANDREA: Laughs, “No because that would mean that my dad would have had to have breasts”

I need to interject now and put a disclaimer that Andrea’s father does not have, nor has ever had man boobs.Also no animals were hurt in the writing of this blog.

MGUBL: “Would you do Gillian Anderson, pre bleak house of course?”

ANDREA: “Well she was hot in the X-Files, but she’s not really my cup of tea to be honest.”

MGUBL “If you could be on any reality TV show, which would you pick and why?”

ANDREA: “It would have to be shipwrecked, purely because of the beauty of the location. I would never want to go on Big Brother or the X-Factor. I think the X Factor would be a nail in the coffin of any music career.”


MGUBL: “What would you bring to the community if you won Miss Gay UK?”

ANDREA: “I would bring honesty and frankness and I would also campaign for cleaner ladies toilets at a certain Brighton bar that shall remain nameless”

As a side note, Andrea defaced her own picture in Brighton before anyone else could. She drew a willy on her own forehead. A pre-emptive willy if you will.

MGUBL: “Have you ever cooked a baked Alaska?”

ANDREA: “No, but I do love meringue. I don’t bake cakes either I’m afraid”

(Nigella Lawson bakes a decent Alaska. Oh how I would sell my soul to the devil to see her eating that dressed in a nun’s habit.)

MGUBL “What do you believe you might have been in a past life?”

ANDREA: “I do believe in past lives, I would have to say like a big cat or tiger, or a bug. I have a strong affiliation with bugs. I like to rescue them and bring them home.”

MGUBL “Anything you want to add, and any special talents?”

ANDREA: “Well I broke my elbow when I was eight, and can rotate it like 90 degrees, and I have a very long tongue (we both laugh). Also and most importantly, I would like to get the exposure of Miss Gay UK out there. It should be on a par with the popularity of Mr Gay UK. I think we, as contestants, are responsible to getting this wonderful event publicised. I would like to see it get lots more support.”

Well said Andrea! Miss Gay UK are working exceedingly hard to get this into the public eye. Please support this event as much as you can. Thanks to the amazing Miss Kenny who was a pleasure to talk to.

Stay tuned for the next interview with Miss Gay Manchester.

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Alex Hartley

I am afraid I have been rather quiet of late. I have been laid low with a virulent strain of Man Flu and have been unable to muster the strength to reach the keyboard! Let me tell you, lemsip and night nurse should never be taken together!

I am back now with the belated interview with Miss Gay UK’s East Midlands winner Alex Hartley. Not to be mistaken with Hartley the Hare from Pipkins. I had a disturbing dream about Pig from Pipkins the other night, he came up to me with two massive cream buns in a holster and said, “It’s never too late to sniff the wind of freedom” I awoke in a pool of sweat. I fear the Man Flu may have rendered me clinically insane.

Anyway, Miss Gay UK’s heat winner Alex Hartley 23 is passionate about charity work and her job as a youth worker. She also is a very apt at poi spinning (poi spinning is NOT a device used to stimulate the clitoris as I thought but a Maori fire juggling tradition)

MGUBL: “Why did you decide to enter Miss Gay UK?”

ALEX: “To be honest at first I did it for a bit of a laugh, friends persuaded me to enter, but when I found out it was going to be a charitable event I really wanted to take it seriously”

MGUBL: ““What was your competition like?”

ALEX: “God, I was really nervous. It was a nerve-racking experience. We were whittled down to the last ten, and we had to have our interviews with the judges in private, as there was a problem with the PA system that night. The other girls were lovely. I think everyone was nervous.

MGUBL: “Any secret weapons you are going to use to try and win Miss Gay UK?” (I said this in a menacing secret agent voice)

ALEX: “I’m not really a game player to be honest and I don’t have any tactics. If I did win I think it would be a compliment to me being just an average lesbian”

(I feel that there are no run of the mill lesbians in this world. I am looking for one so I can tick it off on my facebook things to do before I die list)

MGUBL: “What women do you truly admire?”

ALEX: “I am definitely going to have to say Jane Tomlinson. She was such an amazing women and such an inspiration to me. She came from the same area that my parents are from so I heard a lot about her from the local news. She did so many things, like riding across the US after being told she had only 7 months to live and ending up living 8 years longer. She is truly inspirational. Every breath of her life was devoted to her family and her fight against cancer. She has really inspired me in my own life.” http://www.janesappeal.com/


MGUBL: “Have you any special talents” (For example, impersonating a giraffe or managing to insert a marrow sideways up your bum?”)

ALEX: “Hmm, well I have double jointed eyes and can move them independently and I do poi spinning. Poi spinning is fire juggling, you have two chains attached to a Kevlar straps and you can do tricks. I can also juggle.

For all of you wondering what poi spinning is go to http://www.homeofpoi.com/ as I am sure my explanation of it is sorely lacking. This is due to the fact I am writing under the influence of lemsip.

MGUBL: “When you’re not poi spinning or looking in two directions at one time, what else do you do?”

ALEX: “I am a youth worker in an underprivileged area. We deal with young offenders and people excluded from the community. I also worked with STRIDE clubs and worked for the LBGT youth club. I am passionate about my job and love what I do.”

MGUBL “Judge Judy or Boston Legal?”

ALEX: laughs “Judge Judy if I had to choose, I like how she shouts at everyone”

I have to confess I would choose Judy Scheindlin myself; there is something strangely erotic about her demeanour.

MGUBL “What have you been in a past life?”

ALEX: “I think I must have been a roamer, someone who moved around a lot. I have a fear of missing out on life. Perhaps I was a bird as I imagine I would have flown everywhere, and I wouldn’t leave a carbon footprint.”

MGUBL: “Any phobias you would like to share with us?”

ALEX: Laughs, “Not really I’m afraid. The only phobia I have is of spiders. I can’t stand spiders.”

I am tempted to tell her of my litany of phobias, like vomit and people eating ice-cream cones, but I stay stum.

MGUBL: “Have you seen the film Pay It Forward? I am starting a Gay Pay It Forward campaign. How would you pay it forward?”

ALEX: “God I loved that film, it really made me cry. I think it would have to be something quite simple like being a slave for someone for a day(not in the kinky way!!!) and doing all their chores so that they have time to spend on themselves(or spend family time)I think that its the little things that make a difference.”

MGUBL “Anything else you would like to say in regards to the lesbian community or life in general?”

ALEX: “I think there is more to life than being a lesbian. People are too narrow-minded in this world, and sometimes fail to see other people’s opinion. I am into exploring life in some many different ways and am fascinated by other people. If someone asks, are you rich? I think there are many ways to be rich. Love can make you rich.

We were struggling to look for a word about people who are unable to see other people’s lives and she asked me to pick a word. I think the right word for ignorant people is MYOPIC

I want to thank Alex for her interview, and her honesty and integrity. She is passionate about charities and her work!

My next interview will be posted shortly. Miss Gay UK organisers have asked if anyone can suggest a charity. Woman’s Aid have declined to be the designated charity due to the fact that it is a beauty pageant ( even though they have been a sponsored charity for Miss UK) So please put forward any suggestions for charities in keeping with the ethos of Miss Gay UK.

I must go now and extract a rather large marrow from my behind, as its making sitting rather awkward

MGUBL.

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Giverny Porter.

Photo copyright of www.kategreen.co.uk



For reasons of dispelling confusion, I shall call myself Miss Gay UK’s Big Lesbian MGUBL for my interviews with the Finalists of Miss Gay UK 2007.

The first lamb to the slaughter is Giverny Porter who is 19 and comes from Birmingham. She won the Birmingham heat and is readying herself for the big finale being held in Nightingales, in her hometown, on 9th November. Giverny is a self-confessed gym bunny. She strives to do well at any challenges she faces and has a penchant for older women!

MGUBL "First off, how the bloody hell do you pronounce your name?”

Giverny “Phonetically it’s pronounced “ Shiff I Knee”. My parents named me after the Monet gardens and that infamous Chris Rea song”

(I remember a Chris Rea song that was responsible for a very naughty grope session I had in San Francisco, in a white VW beetle, but I digress)

MGUBL “God, were you conceived in the Giverny gardens?”

Giverny laughs “No, I hope not!”

MGUBL What possessed you to enter Miss Gay UK?”

Giverny “Well, I was in the Fox in Birmingham, and the proprietor suggested that I should enter. I was a bit drunk at the time, so agreed. It seemed like a good idea at the time”

MGUBL “So, you drunkenly fell into it then”

Giverny laughing “Yes, but when I got the call inviting me into the Birmingham final, I was really happy. I’m really glad I did it.”

MGUBL “Was your competition tough?”

Giverny “They were all lovely women, lovely looking girls, we all just got on. I was very nervous; we all spent a lot of time looking at our feet. I really enjoyed it though”

MGUBL “What question did you get to woo the judges with?”

Giverny “My question was ‘What do you think your outfit represents about you’. I was wearing a really tight top that showed a bit of cleavage, so the crowd all shouted out TITS, so I said I guess I’m going to have to go with tits then”

(I am thinking at this point, good answer!)

MGUBL “Okay, name your favourite woman icon, that doesn’t involve Angelina Jolie or Pink”

Giverny “Hmmm, I would have to say Demi Moore and Sharon Stone. I like older women. (At this point, I am definitely thinking this woman has impeccable taste!) “I remember watching GI Jane when I was younger and thinking I am wayyyy to excited for a girl of my age!”

We spend a few minutes discussing Demi Moore in Charlie’s Angels, and her phenomenal body. I had a friend in SF who had a Polaroid of her getting it on with Demi Moore….it was a faded picture, but I can swear to you now, that was Demi doing the pretzel position!!

MGUBL “What do you do with your time when you’re not entering lesbian competitions?”

Giverny “I’m just about to start University in Birmingham. I love sport, I play football and hockey and my main sport is golf, ohh I also play the guitar”

Giverny went to a boarding school for the golf academy, but the pressure of it all made her ill. She suffers from ME, which she believes was triggered by being at the boarding school. For any of you regressing into scenes from Lost and Delirious, it seems that Giverny would have to disagree.

The bigoted high pressure of the school was something that she, even in her young years, had the insight enough to realise, was not good for her all round.
At this point, I start to also realise what a lovely down to earth women she is, and wise beyond her years.
She then moved back to a normal school where she felt much happier to be herself, and less pressured. Being out of the elitist environment helped her immensely.

MGUBL “Tell me something completely bizarre about yourself, a foible if you will”

Giverny “Well, to look at me I’m very girlie, but I am really a bit of a bloke! In my mannerisms and things, my girlfriends have all remarked on my bloke like tendencies”

MGUBL “What is your pet hate?”

Giverny “Bitchiness, I don’t like it.”

MGUBL “Imagine that you are having a dinner party and you can invite anyone. Who would it be and what would you cook?”

Giverny “Definitely Leisha Hailey because she’s hilarious, and Sara Cox as she’s funny to, and my Girlfriend Kate, and my best friend Kate. I would cook Steak, for a healthy dinner”

Miss Gay UK competition has affected Giverny’s life already. Her new girlfriend Kate did a photo shoot for Giverny, and they ended up together! Could this be a first Miss Gay UK Wedding!!!!

MGUBL “Who is you’re favourite author?”

Giverny “Dare I say Sarah Waters. I had tipping the velvet hidden in my knicker draw for ages and my brother found it (laughs) so I said I was studying it for my exams!”


MGUBL “What would encapsulate your ideal woman, apart from your girlfriend?”

Giverny “I would have to say someone who is confident but not arrogant, older, someone who loves life and is fun loving, kind. I believe that some people look beautiful, but beauty is skin deep. I love to be able to love someone and have them love me back. I mean you can meet someone and not be attracted to them at first but you get to know them and they can blow you away”

MGUBL “Are you going to win Miss Gay UK?”

Giverny “Well, I’m going to give it a good go. I would like to win, as I am sure everyone who made it too the final would want to win. I am just going to go and have a good night, but yes, of course I would like to win. It’s going to be on my home turf, so I’m not sure if that will go against me”

MGUBL “Who do you think you might have been in a past life?”

Giverny (laughing) “A bloke, definitely a bloke!”

MGUBL “Do you have any phobias?”

Giverny “Oh my god, this is going to sound strange but I hate sponges and fuzzy felt, anything with that texture. I am actually sitting in my chair cringing at the thought. Interiors of glove boxes also, it is that fuzzy thing. In can’t stand it. My friends throw sponges at me in the supermarket, and was ex wrapped my birthday present in that fuzzy material, took me about an hour to open my present, you’ve really found my kryptonite here!”

Thanks to the sublime Giverny for the interview. She was easy going open and very funny. There was a vulnerability about her that was utterly endearing, and she had a strong sense that she did not want to let people down.

You can post a comment of support for Giverny at the bottom of the page, as we want to find the DIVA BLOG Winner. In addition, for all of those travelling to Birmingham for the final, please do not bring any fuzzy felt or sponges into the establishment! You WILL be frisked either by me or by Ingrid the Russian shot putter from Stalingrad.

Stay tuned for the next finalist interview

MGUBL

London final of Miss Gay UK: Battle wounds and glory.

I sauntered up to the Edge Bar, Soho, for round two of the ritual humiliation, oh sorry I mean Miss Gay UK. I got there early and had time to reflect on the ridiculousness of what I was doing. I mean, when you get into that spiral thought pattern, it’s a sinking ship! I was a condemned woman when I saw the rest of the finalists, all fresh faced and cool with a sprinkling of intrigue and a dash of confidence you have when you are young.
I am 40 the only sprinkling I have is of jaded realism and was not fresh faced. A sad reality of aging is the bleak actuality of wrinkles and a pallor my mother calls “of the grave”

However, never the less I strode on. It was nice to meet the women I met the week before again. Esther and Anna are lovely women and we all gathered nervously in the contestant row off stage (felt more like death row to me)
I thought I distinctly heard a whisper on the wind “dead man walking” and caught sight of Susan Sarandon dressed in a habit….I think I might have had an off sausage, as I was hallucinating at this point.

When contestants were pushed on their lesbian icons, Pink, Angelina and Portia were high on the list. I fear I must be ill, as mine would have been Nigella Lawson! Her cookery is akin to soft porn. Have you ever watched that women eating a lobster claw? It is practically erotic.

I got a strange comfort from seeing Paris, another contestant from the 2nd heat. We have a lot in common and I felt a pang of comrade kinship. It is like going into battle! Once more into the breach dear friends.

The lovely Leah was looking particularly stunning and well groomed, she does not adhere to my past life philosophies, but she could have been an Egyptian Siren, who called the mariners in from the Dead Sea.
In fact, during what should have been my speech and only time to impress the judges, she launched into a rather impromptu Oleta Adams rendition. It was rather beautiful I have to say, and I didn’t mind her spoiling the meagre chance I had to impress the panel of judges….Only kidding Leah…I will get you back in the next life though.

There was a good atmosphere in there, loads of women gyrating to Lil Jo’s frenetic beats. I am not a DJ connoisseur at all, but I could tell from watching Jo, that a certain type of creative process seems to happen when she is at the decks. Like a stream of consciousness pours into her tiny frame, and the art of her mix comes through. It was quite something to watch actually. I found myself beguiled by this poetry in motion.

Bex, I thought, was a trooper, she had to nestle a champagne bottle between her boobs, and limbo backwards to get a sip. To her credit, she did this, and she took her top off. The women went wild at this point. It was like being at a Siegfried and Roy Vegas show. The women could have pounced at any point. Lion tamers might have had to be brought in, to whip these savage women back.

The question round saw us all pitted together with similar questions. I’m not a competitive person at all, and found the process quite difficult, but the contestants were lovely, and we tried to help each other out.

When it got to my question, there was so much talking at the rear that I had to yell SHUT UP AT THE BACK, probably not the best move in hindsight, but howdy hum. I had to talk about if my Ex came back if I won Miss Gay UK…well like I said, the first thing I would ask for would be my Dyson back and my champagne flutes that she took as revenge for our collapsed relationship. The last spit on the tomb of the relationship was her also taking one toilet roll.

I would have liked to have seen some more older women in the competitions, after all, after 30 lesbians don’t crawl under a proverbial rock and die, living off a meagre diet of Claire Macnab novels and wistfully thinking back to the good old days!

So next year, all of you older lesbians, with wrinkles that show wisdom and love handles that show a life well lived and a plethora of lovers wounds, why not enter Miss Gay UK?

As is probably evident, I did not get through but I must say I really enjoyed the experience, and am happy I did it. I am now also much happier going back to the medium I am comfortable with, and will hopefully be writing a Miss Gay UK blog, in which I would like to interview the finalists.

Congratulations go to the finalist, Shixin Bickerton, who will be going on the Miss Gay UK final in Birmingham on November 9th. Stay tuned for interviews with the finalists and other behind the scenes gossip. Who needs the X Factor when we have a real life contest taking place under our very nose!

X-Factor's Big Lesbian : Jaunt into Miss Gay UK

Before I post my first X-Factor blog I wanted to tell you what BBBL's final swan song was about. My venture in Miss Gay UK heat.


I confess to being extremely nervous as I travelled up to Soho for the second London heat of Miss Gay UK

Any excuse I could find on the way there to exit this ritual humiliation was tried. My wonderful and supportive sister was accompanying me, and I saw an all you can eat buffet for £4.99, “Oh, shall we go there instead, I’m feeling quite partial to a few ducks heads dipped in batter right now?”

My next excuse was derived out of sheer panic “Oh look colonic irrigation, I do feel a bit bogged down; maybe I should just pop in there, drop me cacks and let that rather large looking Polish shot-putter, shove a garden hose up my jacksy and clear me out?”

All was to no avail however, as I was dragged in to the Edge bar to face my fear demon; the dreaded public speaking!

When I met the lovely Leah, Miss Gay UK organiser (she and her partner volunteer their time from full time jobs, to run this event) I was put at ease. My fellow contestants were lovely; all had a story to tell and a special talent to showcase!

Fran could speak Spanish and Italian and put her whole fist in her mouth!! I couldn’t showcase my talent as it involves tantric sex, far too complicated on such a small stage! Esther cracked out a good signing voice, and the others also contributed with unique pizazz.

We were then asked a question that the judges would grade us on. Let me tell you all now, you really put yourself on the line in a thing like this. It could go either way, it could be cringe worthy humiliation, the sort that makes you want to hide your head in your heads and ask Jesus for forgiveness, or you could triumph to an accolade of rapturous applause.

Luckily none of us had to call on the spirit of Jesus for penitence. There was definitely a rowdy rabble in the bar. It was like a scene from the life of Brian, you know the scene where Biggus Dickus comes to the balcony and asks, with desperate lisp,” rewlease brwian” It was that kind of crowd, I feel they could have turned at any moment into a baying hysterical mob! It was fabulous.

My question from the judges was “What do you think of competitions like Miss England, and how would you change it?”

As I was called to the stage to wow with my cunning acumen, my mind froze. I was gripped in the panic that I would not be able to get the words from my mind out through my rather huge gob, but I was fine, I do remember saying something about making the Miss England contestants complete a rubric’s cube in less than three minutes.

Which is strange, seeing as though I couldn’t do a rubric’s cube in less than 3 minutes? I used to peel the stickers on mine and “finish” it that way!

If you were a teenager in the 1980’s you will empathise with this rubric’s cube pressure cooker! We were all at it!! We were cunning in our ways of cheating!


You will be interested to know, ( or maybe not) that by some amazing twist of fate, I managed to get into the London Finals taking place again at the edge bar next Sunday the 16th September.

Leah and Nina, I salute you for all the work you have put into this event, you should get a Richard and Judy badge for commitment!!

BBBL aka XFBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: BB Post Mortem and Autopsy report

Brian wins the elusive BB crown and the bookies are saved from paying out millions if the twins had won. Do you smell a conspiracy….I DO?

I was able to watch the BB finale at Elstree with the Big Mouth crew and I was surprised that Brian had won. I thought the twins had “deffo” got in the bag. Even Madame Du Pravee didn’t pinpoint Brian as the winner, although I predicted it back ages ago, maybe I should be the psychic now?

I will set the scene for you. I am glammed up, well as much as I can be, and sitting with all the housemates from weeks gone by and straight from the house.

We are given champagne (I will use that term loosely, as I suspect it might have been cava) Shabnam is on full alien alert and Lesley, you remember, Mrs WI was saying to me “are you officialdom?” I retorted, “No, I’m just a nutter who has spent every Tuesday in this hell-hole of a studio talking nonsense”

I liked Lesley; she was funny in an upper class sort of way. I had a deep discussion with Carole, who was telling me how dirty the house was and that her land snail had died, and she wondered if I would sit on the dirty diary room chair, as it was riddled with germs and possible Gonorrhoea.
She was concerned about the people who had to go in and clean up! It was not a real house Carole…it was a studio set.

Nicky was lovely, and extremely pretty in real life. I still adhere to the philosophy that she was booted excessively early, and she could have developed more. I will be hoping to get an interview with her shortly to discuss her premature ejaculation from the house!

The nicest person by far was Ziggy. Yes, Yes I know, we should be loathing him. He was really talkative and rather good looking in real life. He mingled with us heathens, and seemed genuinely nice. I had slated that poor bloke on BBBM and now have to make a slight retraction.

I was sitting directly behind the twins who I can now tell you they are not CGI or holograms. They screamed a lot, and I asked them how it felt to be plunged straight into the BBBM studio they said in unison “Oh my god, its like deffo weird and stuff, cos we were like its totally weird, but were dead excited” It was reminiscent to me of the Los Angeles Valley Girls in the mid 90’s, “totally tubular man…I mean like gag me with a spoon dude”

Chanelle was telling everyone her agent wanted to sign them all up. She looked scarily like Victoria Beckham; it was all to single white female for my taste. Does she want her and Ziggy to be the next Posh and Becks?? Or does she secretly desire a lusty lesbian fling with her idol. Be like sleeping with a toast rack wouldn’t it. I would be afraid I would break one of Posh’s ribs in the act of lovemaking. Mr X did tell me she only has two ribs left now, as they were all removed to make her look thinner. However, I do not listen to celebrity gossip!

Wangers was there, but I did not get to speak to her as she was too busy mopping up the wine she spilt down her top. Tracey was wearing that bloody piccalilli cardigan again, that was bordering on threadbare

So let us get to the autopsy of BB. In regards to entertainment, I would have to say that it had necrosis and therefore was not very entertaining. In regards to sex and scandal, there was the Emily debacle and the chiggy sex scene. Chanelle has told heat magazine that Ziggy is “so dumped”. I imagine that will be after the copious amounts of money that they have made from every sleazy tabloid desperate enough to write about the romance of the summer.

Mr X and Madame Du Pravee had elected to move with me to my new venture The X Factor’s Big Lesbian that will start on Saturday on this very blog page!

Therefore, I will bid you adieu from Big Brother’s Big Lesbian this season, and can tell you I will be auditioning for BB9! Someone has to represent the lesbians!

Oh, and thank you to whoever it was that entered me into Miss Gay UK (heat two) which takes place at the Edge bar in Soho this Sunday!! I am not adverse to a bit of ritual humiliation, but only if it involves someone else!!

Ta Ta for now

BBBL