Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Get Rex out, and other musings.

NEWSFLASH! Nicole and Rex arguing!! Quelle surprese. According to BB spies Nicole, Sarah, and Lisa are up for nomination this week. If its true you heard it here first folks!

I have consulted the crystal ball of Adelphi to ascertain the results of the final week in the Big Bore house.

Nicole will argue with Rex over what was said on the outside world about him. Well Mr Ginger Quiff, judging by the response of the motley crew at Elstree on Friday night.....they want you OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! They were baying for his not so royal blood like Hyenas around the corpse of a water buffalo.

Let him face his adoring public and see what they will do to him. The crystal ball predicts some sort of Dickensian torture for Rex. I can see his restaurant being turned into a Yorkshire style woolen Mill, called The Poverty Pit. Rex will be forced to make meat pies out of the testicles and sweetmeats of the pork bits that even Asda wont use, and trust me Asda use more "bits" than most. I swear one day I bit into a famous supermarket brand sausage and chewed on what I can only describe as a cyst!

Oh how I would love to see Rex up to his arms in offal...Please Rex can I have some more. Let his simpering girlfriend waitress there as well. What I fail to comprehend are three basic points about Rexcole.

1) If shes so well to do, why are her hair extensions so badly placed. Looks like she went down the local bingo hall and asked Brenda the lady that calls the numbers out (66...to pregnant women at Margate...you know the drill) to weave her hair!!

2) If Rex is so good in the kitchen, why do we only ever see him putting salt and pepper on chickens?

3) They are the most unsuited couple in history, why are we being forced to watch there obvious co-dependant abyss of a relationship unfold before our weary eyes?

I already struggle with losing my will to breathe when watching BB, seeing them going at it hammer and tongs frankly pushes me right over the proverbial edge.

Rachael survived the eviction this week, which really surprised me. I thought we would have to keep watching guyliner whining on and on. I was pleased Rachael stayed. If Rex had spoken to me the way her spoke to her, he would have been washing his balls with a toothbrush!

Rachael is a sweet girl and to see her and Kat in the BB disco eating marmite sandwiches and dancing in a rather disturbing manner, was quite funny. Funny as in one flew over the cuckoos nest sort of way mind.

Mikey has made me laugh a couple of times during the show, and he is growing on me....not like in a fungus sort of way like Stewart likes to think, but he has a unique view on life.

That Sarah is getting on my nerves. She's so transparent in her game plan....can anyone see it? The Crystal ball predicts that she will do the cover of nuts magazine with a didgeridoo placed between her legs and the caption reading " Aussie takes it for her country"

I wish someone would go in and deep clean that red rug, its filthy. I wonder if the luxury bathroom smells, I bet it does. Like the gym locker room at David Lloyd. There are only so many airwicks you can put in one place. Why do lockers rooms always end up smelling like feet?

The ball also spoke to The Bard, he has just returned from a two week vacation at Machu Picchu. He really enjoyed the energy of the place, but got into a ghostly scrap with the Mayan God Kukulcan , who said in a rather enigmatic way the following....I shall read it like a press statement to give it more gravitas.

Reuters spectral news. " Mayan God Kukulcan has predicted that in the year 2012 a terrible curse shall hit the world. The return of the planet Nibiru ( Google anon) will pass close to the earth on December 21st, nullifying the Earth's magnetic pull, and catapulting the earth into a full axis rotation. His parting words to the Bard were "The sons of man shall scream to the fires in the sky"

Basically in a nutshell, the world will tip off its axis, and the UK will end up in the position of Australia. Well, least the summers will be better eh!

Thanks Kukulcan for that cheery message of hope and fortitude. Nought strange as folk..

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Last month in Cliff Notes

I apologise for my absence. I have been on a journey, and the not type of journey that the BB housemates purportedly take.

This has been a harrowing month full of self discovery and enlightenment.

I can impart now the wisdom that my sojourn to the ethereal realms of consciousness have taught me.

Life is not easy, and was never meant to be, but we have to go along our path with our hearts wide open to feel the universal flow of all that our cosmos, and our own micro-cosmos have to offer.

There are no easy solutions, no elixir than can be drunk in the heady depths of time to null the soul from the emotion we call life. I am what I am, as you are what you are, and all we can do is walk our path with hope and integrity and hope that along the way we will see glimpses of peace and serenity.

Now, that being said lets get straight into the BB gossip. Firstly I must mention the really grim girl on girl snog that took place between Nicole and Sarah. Nicole, Rex's rather young and snobby girlfriend was over eager to play the old tonsil hockey with Sarah.........And Sarah.....The lady doth protest too much me thinks!!

I am also concerned about Rex and his overpowering, possessive and frankly scary treatment of Nicole. I mean the man has a quiff now, and he's so paranoid. Makes Ted Bundy look like a paragon for mental health!

Stuart aka Guy-liner boy managed to evade eviction. God knows how, hes as dull as a dishcloth from Asda.

Rachael I still really like. I don't think its possible to put on a front for that long. And Rex bullies her all the time. I would have shoved his Ginger quiff up his backside by this point.

Mikey cut all his hair off for the task, and has gone skinhead extreme. He looks like a rouge faction from the BNP. Darnell also cut off all his hair...It was the highlight of BB in my opinion. I also enjoyed watching the paint dry just as much.

Is anyone apart from me actually watching this drivel? Kat the cookie monster is just becoming like a spitting image puppet. I can see her now in puppet form stood next to Tony Blair's puppet singing " Happy Happy Country, Happy Country Happy Country".

Lisa I really like, she might fabricate things a tad, as in seeing aliens in her back garden, but I don't mind a bit of eccentricity. Good for the soul.

I haven't got much to say about Mo, hes totally non-descript, he might as well have stayed at home for 12 weeks and watched BB on TV, lying on the sofa farting, eating and never brushing his hair.

The hell/heaven divide has been ripped down and all the housemates are free to see each other. That means Nicole looking at Rex's belly button, and making a comment. And him then accusing her of sleeping with someone else! Those two are so annoying. if I want to see a couple arguing day in and day out. I can go home and see my parents for that!!

Dale was booted, and I was glad. he was a moron of huge proportions! Not much has really happened as you can tell.

I guess Rachael will be booted now as the piranhas will circle the weakest link. Who will win??

Answers on a postcard to:

BB Who will win competition

23 Who gives a rat's arse lane

Load of old Bolloxs

Shropshire

SH1 TTY

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:Heaven,Hell and Comas.

I have been in a boredom induced coma for the last week, it happened during an episode of BB. I slipped into this perpetual dream state coma and have only just awoken. The last thing I remember was hearing the words "Belinda, Belinda, Belinda".

So to recap the goings on I will put it into a Darnell type soliloquy.

Belinda was booted wearing a union jack skirt, that could have doubled for a wedding marquee. The house has been divided, and not into a Romeo and Juliet type way either, no Montague's and Capulet's here, just Heaven and Hell.

Bex was hanging on a rope dressed in a gorilla outfit for 4 minutes. Rex has been name dropping, Stuart thought he would meet the girl of his dreams. Cookie monster was given some really big pants to wear...aka Bridgette Jones...Cookie also threw up whilst eating a really big french baguette.

Luke is still hiding his obvious homosexual leanings. Dale is just there. Poor Mikey didn't get any chocolate as Darnell screwed up the food list, and Lisa finds her self in hell for the second week running.

See, you can slip into a coma and still manage to write whats been happening into a few short sentences. During my coma Shakespeare came to me and told me of all the wonders from the spiritual plane and tried to seduce me over. I was tempted, he sold it well to me. No mortgage, no rent, no bills, no soaring fuel prices, no love worries. I mean who wouldn't just want to hang around on a cloud talking to Plato about the philosophy of life!!

It seems as though the Philly cheese adverts are pretty spot on! I declined his offer at immortality, and decided that I like the pain and trauma of living. It's a sado-masochistic thing I think.

So with Dale new head of house this week I'm sure BB will be filled with moments of classical television viewing. I mean to see Rex scratching his balls and then sniffing his fingers was pure genius. Move over French and Saunders theres an Emmy going to BB.

I like Rachael, she seems to actually have a shred of integrity going on. I want her to win.

Now I'm out of this coma I will be blogging more regularly. I also found my lost soul, which is a bit of a relief.

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: New tottie in, old non-tottie out!

NEWSFLASH: Three new female housemates going in tonight!


As Jen or Rex await the BB door to hit them on the way out, BB has decided that they need to glam up the programme with two new stunning female contestants, and a Theatre Director, who the Sun quotes as " she's no looker"....so they haven't written much about her. Which I think is disgraceful. I am on the phone to Germaine Greer as we speak to talk over this outrage!


She concurs that looks should not be the impetuous for the rite of passage into the BB house.....I mean look at Tenko that was great TV, and not a hottie amongst them....I mean okay it was a POW camp, and I'm sure MAC makeup probably wasn't readily available for them. It was hard enough getting a bowl of rice!


Anyway, I have again digressed. One of the "stunning" housemates is well know from the LYNX adverts, Ive seen a heavily pixelated picture of her and she looks okay. I'm not a steak eating, brain dead, ruled by my pecker man though, so I'm no judge of looks.


Give me Nigella Lawson dressed only in an appropriately placed lobster and two saville oranges, and I melt. Show me a page three model, and I reach for the bard suppressing a huge yawn.

Walt Whitman wrote " I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world"(Goggle Anon)....I am finding myself doing that over the dullness of Big Brother. How very mundane to shove more housemates in. I am bored with the ones in there already.

The second "stunner" is an Australian Angelina Jolie look-a-likey. They are trying to give Stuart a playmate, instead of him always playing with himself!!

And, as discussed with Ms Greer, the third is a dowdy old theatre director whose not much to look at so why bother writing about her ( according to the Scum newspaper). I hope so goes in there and kicks some arse. What in the world a 40 year old career minded, obviously intelligent woman would want to go into that low life twat infested hell hole beggars belief......Could it be shameless self promotion for a new play....HMMMMMMM...Inquiring minds want to know.


On a rather maudlin note. It appears that I have misplaced my soul somewhere, and cannot seem to find it! I was thinking of selling it on EBay because I am desperate for cash, but it has gone. Vanished without a trace! Isn't it funny that we sometimes don't know what we have until we lose it, and when its gone, how we wished we had not taken it for granted for so long!


Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa!

TTFN


BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The blind lead the blind:

So, what a weekend it has been in the BB house of horrors. Dennis of course got "removed" from the house for spitting at fellow housemate Mohamed. At this rate there will be no-one left in there. Dennis launched the now infamous "grotch-gate" and was questioned by Police for his actions.

I thought the police had too much to do in trying to cap a spiralling crime rate, the use of weapons on the streets in the hands of children, but I guess someone spitting in someones face is regarded as a good use of police time these days.

It reminds me of another scene from Life of Brian. A prisoner is hang up in his cell, when Brian is thrown in. The guard who has a stutter spits in Brian's face. The hanging prisoner yells " You lucky bastard, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face!"

Had I been Mohamed I might have used that line....its has far more comedic value than a grilling by the Borehamwood constabulary.

I am not condoning spitting in someones face...Its nasty. A good Friend of mine, who used to raise ferrets for a living, outside of Cheadle had a nasty experience with a llama that involved her ice cream and the llama letting loose a ton of llama spittle. It is lasered in my memory for ever and a day!

All these people being removed might be a blessing in disguise if I'm honest! The tedium keeps piling on night after night. To quote Franz Kafka (Google anon) " By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."

I am still passionately, fervently believing that this years BB will actually provide a little highlight, a nugget of inspiration that will evoke a nation to greatness!

Yes I know, the only inspiration in there is seeing how many times Stuart can look at himself in the mirrors on a daily basis. The last count, in one day was 1,467. Has that man got no shame in his narcotic personality? I am warming, okay wrong word, becoming tepidly amused by Kathreya, she at least has a bit of eccentricity.

I like a mad dogs and an Englishman, its what our country was built upon. George Mallory ( mountaineer, Google anon) was at high camp on Everest back in 1924, with no oxygen, even today seen a feat that defies logic. He would read to Shakespeare to his fellow tent mates at an exhilarating 27 thousand feet...the same height as a jumbo jet cruising altitude.

I would be worrying about dropping into a bloody coma, not reading Hamlet by a gas lamp. I can see it now his frostbitten little fingers deftly clasped around an edition of Macbeth. Its all so dreamy and eloquent isn't it.

What do we have now, BB and Mario scratching his back passage, and Darnell doing a rap on cookies. I despair at our lot in life now, its all so bleak and uninspired.

Back to the BB drudgery. They were given a task in sympathy with Michael, that they had to wear black goggles to know what it was like to be blind!

Weird I think, why couldn't they have shipped in Victoria Beckham so they would all have know what it was like to not possess a brain. The human toast rack!! Michael was overlooking proceeding, if you excuse the pun, and it had about as much impact as a life jacket on the Titanic. Stuart was the most perturbed, because he couldn't see himself for 5 hours. They have sent in a counsellor to help him through his trauma.

My spirit guide "Sam" who I share with Derek Acorah, has told me that Dale was spotted at the Chariots Spa in Streatham wearing a cock ring and escorted by a large hairy man called Simon, who was wearing leather open arsed chaps. According to Sam, Dale was seen through the steamy window in a role play session that involved a vicar, a monk and a Native American. It's all gone YMCA hasn't it?

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who Goes..Mohamed or Sylvia? WHO CARES!

So BB-noughts it's Mohamed or Sylvia for the baptism by fire on Friday night. Trust me Ive been to a live eviction, its like a public stoning! It reminds me of the scene from Life of Brian.

The baying mobs all clumped together, rocks and bags of gravel at the ready! All we need is Davina dressed up like John Cleese and we would be set.

I can just see it now, the newly svelte Davina ( I hope she hasn't succumbed to the cucumber diet all the celebs are on! This involves eating an inch of cucumber every 72 days) Anyway, back to my rather redundant point...Davina saying in her hushed tones " Big Brother house, this is Davina...please do not...OK who threw that?? I said who threw that?"

For those of you now asking yourself what the blazes I'm talking about. Some of the crowd from the scene in Life Of Brian, couldn't hold back their excitement and stoned the victim before the whistle blew!!

How I wish BB was funny like Monty Python. I have not laughed once. Not even the sight of people sitting in a giant ashtray has parted so much as a chuckle from my beleaguered soul.

I knew a woman once who slept in a coffin, she said she wasn't a vampire slayer, just it was more snug and she slept better!! Apparently Truelove and Sons were selling coffins at a car-boot in Chorley and it was cheaper than an Ikea bed, so she bought it and has never looked back!

What does this have to do with BB I hear you wail. Nothing I retort, but bugger all goes on in that house so I have to tell you tidbits from my meandering mind. It was the ashtray that reminded me of that for some reason.

I am feeling distinctly soporific in regards to BB at present. It all about Stuart's eyelashes and narcissism, and the two love birds. Who smells a Saskia/Maxwell liaison forming? God there's nothing worse than watching too desperate sycophants puckering up for the sake of a tepid little interview with Heat Magazine dressed in white linen straddling a chaise lounge.

I would rather eat the testicles off a corpse than watch that. Talking of testicles, I have promised my straight male readers lots of lesbian sex tips and threesome advice. I have consulted my FaceBook porn star Friend and we will be doing BB sex tips for men in the next blog. She couldn't do it this week as she is currently starring in Seymour Butt's new film " Oklaboner"

I do need to talk about Kathreya aka Jeanette Krankie (Google anon) I cant make head nor tails of that woman. She wont be able to be in Darnell's Video cos shes "piggy pig pig"

The woman seems actually okay, but her speech forms are somewhat bizarre. I know shes from Thailand, as long as we don't have to see her legs a-kimbo chucking a ping pong ball out of her fangita to a target strapped to Mario's head then I think we can tolerate her eccentricity.

Kathreya at the Thailand School fete on the tombola stand.

At least shes a Buddhist, that will help with the desperate karma that BB contestants bring into Elstree under the guise of "just there to win the money", and not trying to elongate into a career in the media.

Shakespeare has had the last few days off due to a nasty incident with Marlowe. Marlowe was haunting a rather cosy little B @ B in Kent and stepped on the Bards toes a little. The Bard stormed out in a cosmic diva style tantrum and has gone to cool off. He will be back in the next blog with news about Dale!! And it is big!! Think Lycra, poppers and soft furnishings, and that's all I'm saying!

I know a cosmic diva who is suffering from a nasty case of anal orbs!! GET WELL SOON

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Send in the clowns.

NEWSFLASH: Mario scratching his nads. Gosh the excitment is too much to bear!

Stuart entered the house to a lukewarm reception at best. Stuart is a property developer from Manchester. WE all know what that means....He painted his friends living room back in 2003, so that counts on the resume.

Stuart obviously has Oedipus complex, and whats with the neck scarves? It all seems a bit Kenneth Williams to me. All BB need to do now is throw in Hattie Jacques in a nurses uniform and we will be set for Carry On Boring us half to death.

Incidentally, as a scientific experiment before BB started I had an I.Q test, and I gave in my Mensa card to the president, a woman called Hillary who lives in Guildford. Hillary has an I.Q of 240, and breeds long haired Afghan rabbits.

Anyway I digress slightly. My I.Q was retested 17 days into BB and it appears I now have the I.Q of a courgette. I blame Luke....his conspiracy theories are all too much for me. I like a good old conspiracy. Roswell, Area 51, Cliff Richard is a android, I can get down with that. But Luke's are too far fetched. He thinks if he talks like a Coronation Street character, he will win BB by default!

I need to vent my spleen about Lisa and Mario. Lisa I can deal with. She met Mario from eBay, she bought a crystal ball from him. She should have known, if she can gaze into the ethereal membrane and see into the future, surely she should have been able to spot that he was a prize knob!

Anyway, back to more pleasant musings. I spontaneously fell into a trance yesterday, and the bard came in. I was surprised to find that he was a little low of spirit. Philip Marlowe had been taunting him again, and if it hadn't been for Plato stepping in a brawl might have ensued. Bard told me that the other side are equally bored of BB, and they are planning on sending in a poltergeist to step things up a bit.

Now, that would be fun. BB the Exorcist....I can see it now, Rachel possessed by a demon in the luxury bedroom...if she could turn her head 360 degrees, I would indeed enjoy BB more. Rex could be the exorcist..."Be gone demon, Be gone". Rachel, who at this point is strapped to her bed, covered in snot and screaming " you're mother sucks kebabs in hell"....I will ask the bard to send in the poltergeist ASAP, it would be far more exciting.

My "date" with Nigella Lawson was an unmitigated disaster I sadly report. All was going swimmingly. We had got past the awkward silence part, and were moving smoothly into the " Are going to shag like Afghan Rabbits stage?" and then the subject of meringues came up. Nigella and I would never work. She likes to blast her meringues in a hot oven, whereas I like my cooked on a low heat for several hours. If you're incompatible, you're incompatible!!!

Anyway my BB lovers/haters. I will report from any ghostly sightings I see in the house. lets hope the Bard and Co send in a particularly virulent poltergeist with a grudge against reality TV

TTFN

BBBL