Big Brother's Big Lesbian:In out, In out, shake it all about.

I have just returned from a little holiday in Cornwall with Mr X and Madame Du Pravee. We felt we needed to recharge our BB batteries. Mr X, who has a penchant for pasties, was in his element on the craggy coast. I had a Daphne du Maurier moment on the cliffs above Red Ruth, it was all very dramatic and passionate, but unfortunately was spoilt by Mr X and his bloody cooler bag!! As I felt the wind brushing through my hair like Rebecca, Mr X decided to pull out of his paisley cooler, 12 individual trifles, and a box of mini scotch eggs. My inspired moment flew away as quick as it came.

We were also working alas. Seeing as though it was fake week in the BB house, we had a fake holiday. We stayed in a replica BB caravan, and spent a phenomenal amount of our time lying around in white duvets bitching about each other and talking about nominations. Once, spookily, I heard “would BBBL please come to the diary room,” Mr X said it was just the Cornish wind rattling the top of the caravan, although I am not convinced. In addition, an Australian woman was doing a meditation class in our campsite, and we had to connect with our inner spirit animals. Mine was a bull mastiff and Mr X called upon his, the beluga whale.

We arrived back, and went straight to Elstree for the fake eviction. Well, never have I seen such an angry mob! It was reminiscent of the Ikea crush at Edmonton! Banners were aloft, “Get Charley Out”, “Carole where’s your boobies at….oops there they are” and my personal favourite “Who killed JR…cos I weren’t me”

I wonder where the get the eviction night rent a mob. I went on eBay and did not see one. and you can get anything on eBay, livers, hearts, kidneys…..even Lorena Bobbit’s kitchen knife, with the foreskin still on it( Google it anon) Anyway, Charley left the house, was interviewed by gorgeous Davina, and then plopped back into the reality domicile. All the “get Charley out banners”, were miraculously replaced in Charley’s eyes, by banners exalting the wonders of her, and how we, the British public, lay prostate at her feet of greatness! I am no fan of Charley, but I thought it was a bit sadistic, even for my tastes. As much as she is brash and aggressive, she is young, and I hope she will manage to recover. I saw a look of absolute terror on Chanelles face when she walked back into the house…It was reminiscent of when Posh saw Gerri again at the Girl Power conference in Accrington Stanley. Poor old Liam is in for a rough ride; I bet he wished he kept up his tree felling business. Maybe its karmic retribution, for all those oak tress that have been extinguished by his hand.

Madame Du Pravee and I went to Jamaica inn, where by some twist of fate, she channelled the spirit of Charles Dickens. What a grumpy bugger he was, it was like pulling blood from a stone. His dour tone started to grate quickly, and I wanted Janis Joplin back, she was far more amusing. Charles was moaning about the Bleak BB House, and how he was worried about Gillian Anderson’s weight. I chirped in with a “shake me up Judy” as some sort of comic relief, but he was having none of it. He told us that BBBM had wind of my blog and had tapped into the channelling sessions and had managed to get Charlie Chaplin in. I thought he was too busy fathering children to bother with mere mortals like us.

Dickens also hinted that Nikki would come into her own this week, comparing her to Lady Dedlock. I hope that Nikki does start to do something! The dossier on Gerry has arrived, but we are in a feud with the Greek court over certain content..BBBL will get back to you.