Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Past, present and future.

NEWSFLASH..Amy, Kara-Louise , Jonty and The Twins face the public vote on Friday!

So, we are going back to the future. The twin hologram projection unit has been projecting the image of the twins into the BB house for almost 70 days, and they went back to day 11 in the BB space-time continuum machine, which by the looks of it was made by viewers of Blue Peter. You could distinctly see the sticky back plastic holding the “Time Lever” onto the cardboard box display unit.

They were given an ultimatum. Break your twin bond, and be individuals, or go up as one entity, and face the public vote? Of course, they decided to be one entity, from now on Samanda will be known simply as The Twin.

With back to the future theme strongly rampaging though the weekly shopping task, I need to ask you this.


Has Tracey gone back to the future?



The resemblance is uncanny isn’t it? Give her a DeLorean and a dodgy 1980’s moralistic script, and we would be none the wiser. I am sure I saw Michael J Fox in the garden, by the smoking area on a hover board.

I do feel us, as viewers; have gone back to the future to Celebrity Big Brother last year and “chicken-gate”.

Although this time its “nut-roast gate”. I actually laughed for the first time in the whole series, at the sight of Kara-Louise scrapping Carole’s precious nut roast out of the tepid, uncooked Chicken, and putting it back into the bowl.
I’m sure I heard Jonty remark, “Hmmm, this nut roast is good, although it does have a piquancy of raw chicken anus to it”

I would certainly not eat the now, Ecoli infested, nut roast. Maybe Carole will shed a few pounds from salmonella poisoning. I have been an avid fan of Carole, but did feel a pang of sadist pleasure when we all knew they were going to cook the roast without her consent!

I could understand such fear from the housemates if they had, oh, I do not know, killed someone, or set the kitchen on fire. How dare they cook a meal without Eva Braun looking on? They are so selfish!

Brian and Kara-Louise went back to 2002 to go head to head with ex-housemates Alex and Adele. I will keep you posted about information I have in regards to one of those ex-housemates!

We also witnessed Ziggy, Carole, Gerry and Doc Emmet Brown in the year 1847. I feel they should have made them test out Victoria sex toys, or perhaps role-play the seedy underworld of Victorian prostitution.

Instead, they bobbed for apples and shined shoes! Oh, how I would have paid too see Tracey hooked up to the first vibrator, which was developed by an American physician, George Taylor, M.D. It was steam powered and used to treat “Female Hysteria”.

Good job Chanelle has left the house then. GT would have had her hooked up for days to cure her hysteria. Hysteria is Greek for “suffering uterus”. I am sure suffering uterus would have been the last thing on your mind after 10 minutes of steam-powered vibration.
Moreover, what did the Victorians ever do for us eh! I am sure Robert Louis Stevenson would not have been able to create a steam-powered engine powerful enough for Carole!

Madame Du Pravee in line with this week’s task has astrally projected into the future and seen glimpses of what the housemates will be doing after BB.

Brian will win, and will enter Mensa. The twins will do a commercial for double mint gum, and replace those American twins in the ra ra skirts.
Ziggy will marry Chanelle, have a sizzling football career, yet during a vital England match, will be sent off, and we will not get through to the world cup. They will have three kids called Hammersmith, Kew and Ealing Broadway.
Gerry will do stints at GAY with his museum artifact tour. That is all she got, due to time pressures from her agent.

I will leave you this this inspiring quote. Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: In with the old, out with the new.

News Flash: Two housemates from a past series about to return to the house!!

Its all part of the time travel themed week. Which I will be using for my next blog called Blast from the Past.....stay tuned for an exclusive interview with an ex housemate!


BB has been a revolving door of late, in one house, then back again. You are now only a halfway housemate, and then you are a fully-fledged housemate. It has been hard to keep track of the housemates. I think they should have been issued electronic tagging systems, so we could know where they are located at any given time.


I mean, it is like a prison isn’t it. I feel as a BB watcher I have been given a 3-month sentence. I was hoping to be let off for good behaviour, but my parole was denied.

Shanessie Loch monster and David the Pagan got the boot tonight, and Tracey is back in her “sketchy phat stack, aving it graveeyyyyy” which means, when I consult my Ravers that are over 37 dictionary, “Oh I’m glad to be back in my temporary abode”.

Shanessie Loch Monster looked stunned when she found out she was evicted. Now I have to ask you my Diva Delectables, Why?

Her first words in the house “Do you like girls that swallow?” were plagiarised from the film Creature from the blue lagoon, the sex tapes.
She then proceeds to unleash her rather odd breasts, which reminded me of those baguettes you get from Tesco Express.


David, the Pagan, bemoaned that witches always get evicted! Yes, the Salem Witch trials went pretty much the same way David. The crowd voted via abacus, and when they found the witch they wanted to evict, they all got together with placards and booed! The evicted witches then went to a cosy studio and were “interviewed” by John Hathorne (google anon)

Mr X rushed back from the Reading Pagan Festival, after Madame Du Pravee told him that David would be evicted. She had been interrupted during a speech to the WI, by a channelling from Aleister Crowley, he inferred that David was sporting a rather large todger under that kilt, and he was predominantly straight. Mr Crowley also said the vote lines would rumble with his name, and he would be gone on Friday.

Mr X seemed quite relieved to be called back to Elstree; he had caught the eye of a white witch called Cilla who wanted tantric sex with him. He says he cannot have sex at present because it upsets his ferrets.

Therefore, we are back to one house and two new Muppets. Jonty and Kara-Louise Rice-Bush. Jonty, who seems to have a bowel complaint, only farts and laughs. Kara-Louise looks like she is straight out of the TV show of the late 70’s The Mallens


All is then back to normal at fraggle rock. Carole I feel, has become a little bit strange. I think that she really wants Ziggy to have a rummage in her rather large gusset. Those huge knickers also double as a handy hammock, and if desperately needed, a four man tent with awning. Carole wants to bag her man. They could have a future together. Carole could protest about the mistreatment on 90’s boy band members and burn her bra outside 10 Downing Street. Ziggy could have the sort of love he craves, that of a woman who will pander to his every need and iron his underpants with starch.

Shakespeare decided to come directly through to me via automatic writing, which is slightly awkward, as I was writing a cheque in the bank at the time.

He had this to say about Ziggy "To thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then be false to any man"

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Clash of the not so Titans

Well, I spent another evening in the studio of Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Mr X had a night off to go and see Spamalot with Mrs X, as it was there 10th wedding anniversary. I had suggested to him that perhaps a weekend in Paris or Rome might be slightly more romantic, but was brutally rebuffed. He said that he would stump up for a packet of minstrels for her….The man knows no barriers when it comes to romance.

Anyway, what a night it turned out to be. The studio guests were Chanelle and Charley! Whippet, the audience facilities manager, had a tight hold of the reigns, for concerns of mutiny, and alcohol was denied for fear of a studio audience uprising.

I said “Look Whippet, its not Les Miz, we won't make a ship barricade out of the seats, and scream Viva La France”.

However, Whippet held firm, her strong Northern accent still rings in my delicate ears. I imagine Whippet to be an either shit or get of the pot kind of girl, my favourite!

Charley and Chanelle went head to head, the tension in the studio could have been cut with a blunt pair of plastic scissors. Chanelle, and as you know Diva beauties, has not fared too well in my blog so far, was surprisingly articulate and composed. She had a new haircut courtesy of David Beckham’s hair stylist, and it looked great!
She was very excited about the Spice Girls Reunion tour, I hope she realises that it does not seem to be going hitch free in the Spice camp, and the reunion tour might happen when they are all pulling their pensions from the post office. Will their song be Octogenarian Power?

It all seemed to go well, until Charley cottoned onto the fact that Chanelle had more support, and then it all went Pete Tong. I made a comment to the fact that it was not in fact the Charley show, and the arguments were just pointless and banal. Charley spent the rest of the show staring me down. I was like a Wild Western movie. I imagined tumbleweed and a dusty road, me and Charley face to face in a nameless town, gun holsters to the ready. I have a horse called Troy and a pocketful of chewing tobacco, she has a pouch full of bitterness, and is not afraid to use it. Her horse has bolted because someone locked the door after he had gone.
I admit now to being a weakling, but did not shy away from the gaze. Whippet lurked on the sidelines like Robert De Niro’s character in meet the parents. I hope I am still in Whippet's circle of trust!

To both their credits, I think facing a BBBM audience must be frightening. Chanelle came across the best, Charley just looked bored, and might be realising that her race to the million pounds might be harder than she thought.

Madame Du Pravee tuned in on my behalf to a question I asked her when we were in Mama Dumpling’s ordering dim sum “Who does Kara-Louise remind you of?”

Shakespeare, who has now decided he has forgiven Brian’s faux pas, came through with a startling truth. Kara-Louise is in fact the secret love child of Condoleezza rice and George W Bush! She was conceived on Air Force one in a passionate mile high club moment! God Bless America

I now have to lie down from the trauma of last night and regain my strength as I am going with Mr X and the Albino to the Pagan festival in Reading to get the dirt on David.

Sitting-on-a-Stump-thinking, my Native American friend, is coming to town next week, and I am going to try to Channel instead of Madame Du Pravee, who needs a break from a heavy work schedule with Derek Acorah. I might need the help of his ayahuasca plant for inspiration

BBBL

See BBBL in action courtesy of YOUTUBE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0wUtqOiF_g

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The Half-Wit house of horrors.

NEWSFLASH: Chanelle has left the BB house. Will it be for good this time?

Well, you go away for a few days R&R, and come back to all hell breaking loose in the BB house.

Mr X and I enjoyed our crop circle extravaganza in Wiltshire. Rumour had it that a new crop formation appeared on Friday morning, we rushed there to see it, and found the crop lay extraordinary, it was at least 200 foot in diameter, but without GPS we couldn’t ascertain what it looked like, so we waited for the aerial photographs to come in.
I was thunderstruck by the image when I saw it. It was a circular formation with three words on the inside “Get Charley Out”. Seems as though even our alien cousins wanted to see the back of her! I wonder how much a text to evict would be from another planet.

Therefore, with Charley gone, and Chanelle almost gone, but awaiting psychological profiling, it has been a right old carry on! I am almost expecting to see Hattie Jacques enter the house dressed in a matron’s uniform, closely followed by Sid James!

Madame Du Pravee called me whilst I was in a beautiful crop formation near West Kennet Long barrow to tell me that Hattie Jacques and Sid James had come through to her requesting the film rights to Carry on up the BB house. It is still in negotiation stage. Seems, as though the spirit world cannot decide on who will play the part that Barbara Windsor usually plays, it is a toss up between Amanda and Gerry.

So Charley was booted, probably signed up by an agent on the way to her interview with Davina, we will have to endure her on everything now! I have the pleasure of being in the BBBM studio on Tuesday with her there…I heard her eviction by sheer coincidence. The lesbian trio next to my tent had bought a portable TV, and in between, their chanting of “get Charley out”, and coughing fits from the Rothmans cigarettes they were smoking three at a time it was almost audible!

I am sure HEAT and OKAY magazines will run a story on her every five minutes. Charley’s book “Autobiography of a Narcissist” will be in shops for the launch of the BB8 housemate road show. This will highlight the talents of the BB housemates. Carol will be signed up as the new face of Persil, and will wash her underpants for the tour until the are gleaming. Look no stains. Poor old Carole reduced to a human cleaning machine! Carole's boobs have made it into the Barnes Wallis Hall of Fame thanks to this blog. Carole's boobies, I salute you both!

Now, what will replace Charley? Well the half-wit house is full to brimming with more of the country’s elite. Jonty, who is clearly not the full box of chocolates, not even the first layer, the glamour model called Amy (is that even worthy of being called a vocation?) should be called Aimless and sent back to the nearest pole dancing club in Croydon.

Then we have the self-confessed pagan called David, who being Pagan myself, am slightly concerned about his credentials! I did however, love his kilt and boots, but was perturbed by the David Bowie/Clockwork Orange eye makeup. Shanessa the blonde, and I use that term in its loosest form possible, entered the house wearing what looked like a swimsuit! I am not apposed to the new fashion of Muffin Topping, but bless her, if she had been swimming in the sea I fear she might have been harpooned by Japanese fisherman! She seems a bit low rent in my opinion, but BB is not renowned for their stellar choices in housemates are they?

The other two are not even worthy of mention, as I cannot even remember their names. Answers of a postcard please to Who Really Gives a Shit, Elstree, Borehamwood.

I have spent the last days in the bosom of Mother Earth, cradled in the arms of Gaia, and found watching BB again, a bit disorientating. Which half-wits will they ask to join the full-wits in the main house I wonder?

Madame Du Pravee is off to Kidderminster for the annual white witch convention, and has promised to bring me back a signed copy of Shabnam’s new book “My life as a BB alien, and other stories that are far too long to go into as I am far too busy opening nightclubs in Streatham”

Until later, I will leave you with a Native American adage I picked up on my travels. “You do not need your eyes to see the world around you, but a sense of freedom, and a sense of honour” Thank you for that Sitting-on-Stump-thinking I have always remembered it, and our time in the sweat lodge with great nostalgia!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Charley Potter and the Deathly Rants

Newsflash...Looks like its Tracey versus Charley for the Friday night eviction.


I am still reeling from being “poohed” and Mr X, (who suddenly seems to have appeared on BBLB, as the insider! hmmmmm) tells me I should ask Endemol for counselling. Chanelle has had two heavy bouts of counselling, after Charley’s return to the house!



Poor old Chanelle, not bad enough that she has to be fondled in the shower by Cliff Richard. Who saw that look on Ziggy’s face when he got Chanelle against the wall of the shower, it was like the Rat Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (google anon)

The Rat( child) catcher gave me nightmares as a child. I now have an unhealthy phobia of lollipops, especially the swirled red and white ones!

I half expected Benny Hill to appear and make her into a life sized wind up toy, and have her boing out from her life sized box with Tracey type make up on.

Nicky has left the BB asylum with her tail between her legs. She looked like a deer in headlights as the BB door rattled open, and she was blasted with a cacophony of boos. She kept up her miserable façade until the end though. 10 points for consistency.

Davina was a little terse, must be from the effort of having to jet over to Elstree every Friday from her Villa in the South of France. Gwendy the Bendy who is a contortionist performer from Cirque de Soilei rang to tell me that she was moonlighting as a cleaner, and cleans Davina’s home on a Tuesday and Friday.



It seems that being able to wrap your legs round the back of your head into the Pretzel position, does not pay the rent. Between you, and me she did say that Davina is partial to the leather thong. Gwendy the Bendy has promised me that she will have a root around to see what she can find!


Charley is up to her old tricks again. Viewers complaining about her comment to Gerry, and inferring that he was a paedophile, for enjoying sex with 15-year-old boys, have rattled Ofcom this morning! Gerry denies all allegations, and I am surprised he has not set his monkey on her. The monkey does seem strangely real. I wonder if it has bride of Chucky doll powers, and might rampage through the house at night, taking out anyone in its path.

Ed the Lead from the Daily Scum tells me Charley's days are numbered, and that there is new blood baying at the starting gate. This new blood will be in residence at the BB Hostel next door to the main house, and our original housemates will have to pick three of them. God, three more moronic airheads seeking fame. It is all getting depressingly desperate!

Anyway, I will be away at the end of the week. BBBL is turning the big 40! I have been asked what I want for my birthday. A chemical peel perhaps, botox injections, bum cheek implants, none of which I am getting. I will be spending it in the Crop Circles of Wiltshire, wearing a Kaftan, and eating mung beans out of a dock leaf! I do not want to miss Charley’s eviction though, if it finally happens. I will have to fashion a small antenna from coat hangers and send my 7-year-old niece up a pole to hold the antenna, whilst I watch it on a portable TV from my deck chair. The joys of camping!

Madame Du Pravee is meeting us in one of the Crop Circles for a Tibetan singing bowl meditation. Janis Joplin was trying to manifest her Mercedes Benz Kaftan for me, but hasn’t quite mastered the skills for manifestation of solid objects, so I must wear my primark one instead. She did say to Madame Du Pravee to tell me “Happy Birthday, and watch out for urinating near stinging nettles” Thanks Janis!

I will keep you all updated on Thaila Zucchi and her thigh boots soon. BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Spoon me Pooh!

Move over Davina, there is a new lesbian pin up in town that goes by the name of Thaila Zucchi.

Last night I had the terrible chore of going to Big Brother’s Big Mouth. My BB friend, Cow, escorted me, as I have a phobia of driving to the Hanger Lane roundabout unaided.

Cow is like a South African TOM TOM, she guided me expertly round the streets of London. I think secretly she might be a dominatrix, and just likes to tell me what to do! Cow is not her real name, but she is in the witness protection scheme, so it would be remiss of me to reveal her real identity. Apparently, she happened upon someone stealing 10,000 dildos from the back of an Anne Summers truck, and has been in the programme ever since, as they threatened her with death by evil means. She has told me the person is famous, hence the brouhaha, but wont tell me who. All she has ever said is “think Eastenders and fake brain tumour”

Madame Du Pravee was already there when we arrived, schmoozing in the green room with Dane Bowers and junior Simpson, drinking champagne, whilst I had to do the grunt work.
She had told me earlier, that she had met up with Mr X, who was in Elstree on a mission I had sent him on. Rumour has it that the twins are in fact just a projected hologram that is beamed into the BB house, so he went to investigate. He dressed up as a BB employee and infiltrated in inner sanctum of the BB hub. He said he found it easier breaking into the Pentagon, than BB, but managed it. Once inside he spotted a door that said “Twin Hologram Projection Room”, but Vin Diesel and two snarling rottweilers guarded it, so he could go no further. Evidenced deemed inconclusive.

Anyway, I am digressing from the crux of the matter. After watching the main BB show with 41 other BB fans, squashed in an impossibly hot room, under the penetrating watchful eye of Whippet, we moved to the BBBM studio.

Now, I am sure it is hard to try to keep a live show going, and coax a studio audience all at the same time, but Thaila managed it. She put a rambling Shabnam, who was a phone caller into the show, back into her spaceship as well. Shabnam, why oh why do you still plague us? I watched the series V (google anon) I know that Shabnam possibly eats small rodents for breakfast, whilst trying to overtake the world, or in this case, the celebrity world. Therefore, Thaila, I salute you!

Now I must set a very good scene for all of you who have asked me about Thaila. After the show, even though Whippet had told us NOT to take photos, else she would behead us with a blunt Stanley knife, I rebelled, and under fear of death by beheading, or at least a nasty tetanus infection, broke ranks and approached Miss Zucchi.

Diva readers, you do not know what I do for you. I toil hour after hour in my bleak cold flat, writing the BBBL blog. I asked Thalia if she would not mind having a photo taken with BBBL, as I write a lesbian blog for Diva Magazine. Most people in the public eye recoil when they hear the word lesbian, Thaila to her credit was a good sport, and we even “snuggled” for authenticity.
I was slightly distracted by the suede thigh boots, and impossibly tiny waist, but its all for you Diva Readers…the things I have to do! I will try to find out where she will be appearing next; for all of you that are interested in her career (or is it her thigh boots I wonder?) Watch this space.

On a slightly different note. I was horrified to see poor Brian crying into his harmonica, after Charley had unleashed her bile again. Is BB condoning bullying? I kept hearing last night that Charley is entertainment. Are we that starved as a TV viewing British public for entertainment, that we mistakenly believe Charley to be good value? I do not, and I have my holy water and crucifix waiting for when she is booted!

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:In out, In out, shake it all about.

I have just returned from a little holiday in Cornwall with Mr X and Madame Du Pravee. We felt we needed to recharge our BB batteries. Mr X, who has a penchant for pasties, was in his element on the craggy coast. I had a Daphne du Maurier moment on the cliffs above Red Ruth, it was all very dramatic and passionate, but unfortunately was spoilt by Mr X and his bloody cooler bag!! As I felt the wind brushing through my hair like Rebecca, Mr X decided to pull out of his paisley cooler, 12 individual trifles, and a box of mini scotch eggs. My inspired moment flew away as quick as it came.

We were also working alas. Seeing as though it was fake week in the BB house, we had a fake holiday. We stayed in a replica BB caravan, and spent a phenomenal amount of our time lying around in white duvets bitching about each other and talking about nominations. Once, spookily, I heard “would BBBL please come to the diary room,” Mr X said it was just the Cornish wind rattling the top of the caravan, although I am not convinced. In addition, an Australian woman was doing a meditation class in our campsite, and we had to connect with our inner spirit animals. Mine was a bull mastiff and Mr X called upon his, the beluga whale.

We arrived back, and went straight to Elstree for the fake eviction. Well, never have I seen such an angry mob! It was reminiscent of the Ikea crush at Edmonton! Banners were aloft, “Get Charley Out”, “Carole where’s your boobies at….oops there they are” and my personal favourite “Who killed JR…cos I weren’t me”

I wonder where the get the eviction night rent a mob. I went on eBay and did not see one. and you can get anything on eBay, livers, hearts, kidneys…..even Lorena Bobbit’s kitchen knife, with the foreskin still on it( Google it anon) Anyway, Charley left the house, was interviewed by gorgeous Davina, and then plopped back into the reality domicile. All the “get Charley out banners”, were miraculously replaced in Charley’s eyes, by banners exalting the wonders of her, and how we, the British public, lay prostate at her feet of greatness! I am no fan of Charley, but I thought it was a bit sadistic, even for my tastes. As much as she is brash and aggressive, she is young, and I hope she will manage to recover. I saw a look of absolute terror on Chanelles face when she walked back into the house…It was reminiscent of when Posh saw Gerri again at the Girl Power conference in Accrington Stanley. Poor old Liam is in for a rough ride; I bet he wished he kept up his tree felling business. Maybe its karmic retribution, for all those oak tress that have been extinguished by his hand.

Madame Du Pravee and I went to Jamaica inn, where by some twist of fate, she channelled the spirit of Charles Dickens. What a grumpy bugger he was, it was like pulling blood from a stone. His dour tone started to grate quickly, and I wanted Janis Joplin back, she was far more amusing. Charles was moaning about the Bleak BB House, and how he was worried about Gillian Anderson’s weight. I chirped in with a “shake me up Judy” as some sort of comic relief, but he was having none of it. He told us that BBBM had wind of my blog and had tapped into the channelling sessions and had managed to get Charlie Chaplin in. I thought he was too busy fathering children to bother with mere mortals like us.

Dickens also hinted that Nikki would come into her own this week, comparing her to Lady Dedlock. I hope that Nikki does start to do something! The dossier on Gerry has arrived, but we are in a feud with the Greek court over certain content..BBBL will get back to you.