X-Factors Big Lesbian: Off to boot camp.

Just a test blog to see if it goes through, I had to do this one through an old blog

I'm a Celebrity's Big Lesbian: Brian is out and other jungle conspiracy whispers.

Good Day Jungle fans. I have just been on the phone with Ant and Dec, and they have been telling me that the Jungle drums are beating with words of a conspiracy.

Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll? Did they ever really go to the moon? Are the royals really reptilian lizards that shake off there human disguises after a long day fox hunting in Balmoral. Inquiring minds want to know?

Firstly, our Martina is still there. Loving her. Lets face it after going head to head with Steffi Graf, she could do anything.

I got a text the other day from a random woman called Ingrid. This enigmatic text said this. " My money is on Martina to win, she's been eating bush tucker for years".......Ingrid, in bad taste, but somewhat mildly amusing. Please leave you re jungle jokes on the comments section underneath. The winner will receive a kangaroo willy, 12 grub worms and a thoroughly good thrashing from Martina!

So Brian has left and he confesses it was all too much. He managed to restore peace and harmony to the village and could walk away a happy man. I think we should award him the Nobel Peace Prize for such valiant work. Brian......I salute you!!

I was sad to see Esther go the woman is iconic! I remember that dog that talked on her show....you know the dog that said sausages, and recited Shakespearean poetry whilst smoking a pipe in a dinner jacket. Esther we all salute you! I laughed at her asking Nicole for sex, well intimating that. Nicole would have Esther for breakfast. Death by mammary ( not a bad way to go)

David has sparked an Orwellian conspiracy at jungle domination. He has been trying to get Nicole onside. I doubt whether the man from Dollar could get any kind of domination. Its not really a conspiracy is it, need something moire juicy to quantify it as a full blown conspiracy.

Like Ant and Dec really work for the CIA, and have bugged the camp under the guise of a TV show, in order to get confessions from the Celebs as to where they are keeping the Ark of the Covenant. I reckon Nicole is hiding it in her cleavage, along with all the lost socks in the world and my bloody TV remote!

Until later I bid you farewell, but will leave you with this Chinese proverb. He who scratches arse at night, wakes with smelly finger......that's for you Timmy!

BBBL

I'm a celebrity's Big Lesbian: The silk is out...Martina still in.

Our Martina has survived the first Celeb cull in the jungle. Old Kilroy Silk was booted out last night. Trust our Martina to make it into the third set, bless her.

This is a weird Jungle one this year, an eclectic mix to be sure. I have still found myself gagging at the Z Lister's gagging on testicles and penis parts.

I was shocked at how small a kangaroo willy is, I wonder if all the female kangaroos sit around saying to each other, over a cup of tea and a bourbon biccy " Bloody Bruce, just doesn't touch the sides bless him.....We've tried the Roo Willy Volumiser, but it didn't work!"

Anyway back to Martina, who is definitely conducting herself in a fine manner. I had a dream last night that Chrissy Everett-Lloyd walked into the jungle, and her and Martina engaged in a passionate Jungle tryst. I always dreamed that as a child, that after a rather decent tennis match between the two, they would leap over the Wimbledon centre court net, and embrace each other!! I also wanted wonder woman to fly into my room, but that didn't happen either.

I confess to having a huge soft spot for cockney Jo! I always liked him in East Enders,and find his ease of manner refreshing. The Mallet is just an annoying twat, no shocked there Wacaday!!!!!!

I wonder about the animal rights of this programme though, I'm sure it cant be nice for the plump grub worm to have its back end bitten off!! And I'm sure the kangaroos don't willing offer to have their willies cut off for reality TV.

I hope Martina makes it further on her jungle adventure. She's a legend!! I will never forget the Wimbledon final in 1979. Brings tears to my eyes now, poetry in motion.

I shall leave you with the wise words of Rilke to take with you for the coming days

"To be loved means to be consumed. To love is to give light with inexhaustible oil. To be loved is to pass away, to love is to endure."

BBBL

Im a celebrity's Big Lesbian: Martina is going into the bush, and I dont mean biblically.

Here we go again. It's time for that jungle magic to begin. One of our very own will be shortly emerged into the world of reality TV, and crunching down on a kangaroo testicle to plump up a failing career.

Martina Martina Martina, an icon of the tennis world, probably the most revered woman in Wimbledon's colourful history, her lobs were legendary, her backhand top spin used to make me shiver with goosebumps.

I am not sure I really want to see her gagging on a wombat penis, whilst strapped to Esther Ranzen by a bungee cord, but it's all going to be pure sordid entertainment. We, the British public have a sick sense of watching someone suffer especially celebrities.

I look forward to the ensuing weeks of pain and agony. Minor D list celebrities arguing in the Tiki hut over lack of food and who is going to empty that stinking latrine. I say let them eat cake!

So I will be following Martina's jungle stint with great interest. Do you think she will have to endure the maggot and spider hair wash? Crawl in a cave infested with rats and maggots, all to get a star so her fellow contestants can eat a meal that doesn't include coconut and rice.

I will keep you posted. Is it Christmas already....where has my soul gone? I am again trying to buy my soul back from eBay, but there is a new clause that prohibits sellers buying back there own goods! What that bloke in Reddich needs with my soul anyway is another matter.

Ta Ta For Now

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Lost BB post- and Unsex in the City.

I think I am being targeted by a Endemol conspiracy. My last post has mysteriouysly fallen of the blog page and from my account.

I wonder if Big Brother is in fact watching us. I will recap in a smaller sense as I have news to impart to you all.

RACHAEL WON......I will be getting an interview with her shortly so stayed tuned!

Picture this scene if you will. Four 30 somethings trying to navigate there way around the nasty world of speed dating, sex, relationships and all the other stuff that falls in between.

Its sex and the city meets Bridgette Jones meets children of the corn. Two are staunch lesbians with an aversion to lesbian speed dating and Ikea. One is a Bi-Sexual with an aversion to pussy and an attitude that would put Eva Braun to shame. The fourth is a women in a long term relationship and a penchant for Josh Hartnett and any other man, but also a keen eye for Winona Ryder and Eva Mendes.

Woman whoever they are or whatever they are all struggling in the horrific world of dating. In an anonymous and shallow world will they find there Mrs Rights and Mr Rights, instead of all the Mrs Losers?

Stay tuned to find out...................

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Cookie and Greedy out-Ginger quiff still in

LAST FEW DAYS OF BB.

There is nothing more exciting than a shock double eviction. Well actually there is, perhaps an evening with Nana Mouskouri, or talking to the pastor of the united reform church about the substandard quality of church candles, but I could barely hold back my excitement when Davina spoke to the house. And yes anon, I say this tongue in cheek!

First out was Greedy Mo, and to be honest, its about bloody time. Shock waves reverberated around the BB house as his name was announced. Kat was crying hysterically. You would have thought she was being disemboweled by Sweeney Todd the way she was going on...brutally and savagely having her legs cut off by Ed Gein with a rusty B@Q chainsaw ( Google anon)

Personally I don't get that, I mean that's the nature of the show isn't it. You get booted...then you have a week in the limelight, and then you are ridiculed for the rest of your natural life. That's the way it goes....we all know this, why don't thy? So the second person out was Cookie Monster Kat. She looked stunned, and frankly I don't thinks she knew what was going on. Not the sharpest knife in the Ikea drawer.

In all honesty, I think they should provide counselors. Not for the housemates but for us the poor viewer. I have Post traumatic stress syndrome. I have also developed a nasty nervous tick and a penchant for swearing obscenities to old age pensioners in Sainsbury's car parks. I believe it is all BB related.

So the Oracle of Delphi and the crystal ball predict that Mikey will win BB, with Darnell second and Rex third. After they all leave the house I think dyno-Rod will need to go and deep clean in there. Its a filth pit.

I must tell you about my weekend with a Lion Tamer called Ingrid. We decided to meet at the London Eye, and then went for a leisurely stroll along Southbank. Given her circus folk appearance, she was wearing a loin cloth it must be said, we were mugged by an errant band of rouge faction Midgets from the "Midgets for Britain Society"

I was fending them off with nothing but a Cornetto and half an eaten chicken wrap, and she was trying to tame them with her whip that she carries for emergencies.

Anyway after that debacle, I did start to think this date was not going to go well. I had a surprise for her at Vinopolis, what I didn't know was she was allergic to grapes, and went into Anaphylactic shock the moment we stepped through the door.

To make matters worse the manager of Vinopolis had lost his mother to a brutal lion attack in the 70's and was harbouring deep rage towards the lion tamer of that zoo.

He wouldn't call an ambulance as he wanted to see her suffer, my mobile was dead so I couldn't call. I ran out into the street to make the call from a kind Samaritan's mobile phone, and I got run over by a pedalo.

I am NEVER dating again!

I want Rachael to win and hope that she comes in the top three, but I doubt it. After my success with my poem Endemol stole my soul, I have done an Ode to the housemates and especially to Rex. Called Rex, you're an arsehole.

Rex, you're an arsehole

This cannot be denied

I'm sure it was a ginger pube

and not blonde, did you lie?

Sarah you need a lobotomy

you're voice just grates on me

Angelina Jolie lookalike?

That I fail to see.

Mikey you're a pikey

I know you cannot see

You will win Big Brother

which is A-OK with me

Darnell plays the victim

Tries to be all hip

Would you like some vinegar

with that shoulder chip?

Rachael you are misunderstood

they call you dull and sucky

I think that you are fairly sweet

come to mine for a little..............brekky.

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: And the oscar goes too..Sarah

Nicole gets booted out with the largest percentage in BB history at a whopping 94%. I could hear the booing from Devon, it was all very dramatic and disturbing, although there was a part of me that secretly relished in her misfortune. I know, I know I am a bad person, and should be tied to a train track with flimsy rope, dressed in a stetson, with only minutes to save my skin. Its OK if I am tied to a British Rail track, the train will be late, giving me at least a half hour window of opportunity to escape my dastardly punishment.

I can see it now, all the commuters at Crawley being told there is a cowboy clad lesbian on the tracks....sorry for the delay!! Would I be easier to remove than leaves, or snow? Enquiring minds want to know! Ohh that rhymes. I feel inspired to write a poem about BB. Called The Shithouse Saga part 1....alienation.

Back to Big Bore, and with Nicole gone, its nice not to have to listen to that perpetual bickering all the time. And Ginger quiff seems to have the right old cob on at present. I would too, if my life was about to hit the skids at a great rate on knots. Poor old Rexxy boy, doesn't realise the fate that awaits him. I can see it now, chefs from all around the country, gagging for his eviction. They will be lined up with there meat cleavers and bunches of Herbs De Provence shouting Viva La France before unleashing vats of burre-blanc!

Mario, remember him? Lisa's muscle bound boyfriend entered the house and proposed through the perspex window, it was all very Mime in my opinion. I have a phobic fear of Mime acts, and the kissing of lips with each other against the glass was enough to spiral me into a panic attack. I found myself breathing heavily into a brown paper bag and cursing Marcel Marceau!

I would concur that it would be quite tiring living with a Mime artist, you cook dinner say, and call out "It's Ready dear" and they cant get to the dinner table because they are stuck in the imaginary box and cant find the door handle. I dated a circus performer once, her name was Rainbow Song. It only lasted for a week, as she smelt of Elephants, and had a penchant for acrobatic sex. I have a fear of heights so we were hideously mix matched. Whenever I see an elephant I think of her wistfully.

I am not going to mention the Mo bogey-gate scandal, it was too nauseating-so will leave that unsaid, all I will say is this. It involved a can of cider and a blind mans mammoth bogey. Ive never seen one so big. Suffice it to say, my favourite Lime curd will never pass my lips again. Thanks Greedy Mo!

Big brother decided to be nice to the housemates and provided them with presents. Lisa got a husband, Kat got some biscuits and Darnell moaned. I will never buy Darnell a Christmas presents if that's his attitude. Bloody ingrate. Mikey hoped that BB's present to him would be getting his sight back. Surely even BB couldn't rustle up Jesus from the holy mount, wrap him up and ask him to perform a miracle!! I think Mikey has coped the best out of all of them hes favourite to win, and anyone that can call Rex an arsehole to his face deserves the £100,000.

Sarah gets called for her present and it was like watching Gwyneth Paltrow's acceptance speech. Meryl Streep couldn't have squeezed out more tears than Sarah. I am not a violent person, but I throw a cushion at the television in pure frustration.

My dear dear friend, who I can't name, because shes famous believes that BB is social pornography for the hedonistic amongst us, and flatly refuses any part in BB porn watching.

Although when I ask her, she has a surprising amount of knowledge about the programme. I reckon shes a closet BB whore, who sneaks into the living room at night to watch them sleep on E4!!!

For any of you that have been to Switzerland, they have a saying if you see a hot woman, or man......Its called " A Panty". This Swiss friend said she did "A Panty" the other day. In probing her on this strange saying, she explained that she needs new panties when seeing someone hot, as "liquid" comes out on setting ones eyes on the hot subject in question.

I suggest strongly she join a support group for knicker sniffers, but she poo-poohed the idea, if you excuse the pun.

HRH the Queen reads my blog and sent me this lovely note. Which I will write out verbatim for you all.

" My Dearest BBBL, One must congratulate you on a thought provoking social commentary on this British Institution of Big Brother. I was agog to see that Nicole remotely suggested she was of Higher class standing. I have put words out in the fox hunting brigade, and she will be pelted with corgi shit, should she ever sully the walls of Balmoral... Oh P.S...Racheal to win"

How nice it was to receive that commendation from her majesty. I would rather have had an OBE, or tax break, but there you go.....

Last two weeks left of this hell, and I can go and back my I.Q back. I will leave you with my Ode to BB called "Endemol stole my soul"

ENDEMOL STOLE MY SOUL

You whore channel 4
degrading my soul
with ferocity and scathing
I am scathing and slaving
using crazy paving to hide this torment
blaming and shaming
my soul was mine
you stole it
a seasonal summer theft
I am bereft
that I have left
my soul to rot
with your snot
of TV scum
I've hurt my bum
I want my mum!


TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Get Rex out, and other musings.

NEWSFLASH! Nicole and Rex arguing!! Quelle surprese. According to BB spies Nicole, Sarah, and Lisa are up for nomination this week. If its true you heard it here first folks!

I have consulted the crystal ball of Adelphi to ascertain the results of the final week in the Big Bore house.

Nicole will argue with Rex over what was said on the outside world about him. Well Mr Ginger Quiff, judging by the response of the motley crew at Elstree on Friday night.....they want you OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! They were baying for his not so royal blood like Hyenas around the corpse of a water buffalo.

Let him face his adoring public and see what they will do to him. The crystal ball predicts some sort of Dickensian torture for Rex. I can see his restaurant being turned into a Yorkshire style woolen Mill, called The Poverty Pit. Rex will be forced to make meat pies out of the testicles and sweetmeats of the pork bits that even Asda wont use, and trust me Asda use more "bits" than most. I swear one day I bit into a famous supermarket brand sausage and chewed on what I can only describe as a cyst!

Oh how I would love to see Rex up to his arms in offal...Please Rex can I have some more. Let his simpering girlfriend waitress there as well. What I fail to comprehend are three basic points about Rexcole.

1) If shes so well to do, why are her hair extensions so badly placed. Looks like she went down the local bingo hall and asked Brenda the lady that calls the numbers out (66...to pregnant women at Margate...you know the drill) to weave her hair!!

2) If Rex is so good in the kitchen, why do we only ever see him putting salt and pepper on chickens?

3) They are the most unsuited couple in history, why are we being forced to watch there obvious co-dependant abyss of a relationship unfold before our weary eyes?

I already struggle with losing my will to breathe when watching BB, seeing them going at it hammer and tongs frankly pushes me right over the proverbial edge.

Rachael survived the eviction this week, which really surprised me. I thought we would have to keep watching guyliner whining on and on. I was pleased Rachael stayed. If Rex had spoken to me the way her spoke to her, he would have been washing his balls with a toothbrush!

Rachael is a sweet girl and to see her and Kat in the BB disco eating marmite sandwiches and dancing in a rather disturbing manner, was quite funny. Funny as in one flew over the cuckoos nest sort of way mind.

Mikey has made me laugh a couple of times during the show, and he is growing on me....not like in a fungus sort of way like Stewart likes to think, but he has a unique view on life.

That Sarah is getting on my nerves. She's so transparent in her game plan....can anyone see it? The Crystal ball predicts that she will do the cover of nuts magazine with a didgeridoo placed between her legs and the caption reading " Aussie takes it for her country"

I wish someone would go in and deep clean that red rug, its filthy. I wonder if the luxury bathroom smells, I bet it does. Like the gym locker room at David Lloyd. There are only so many airwicks you can put in one place. Why do lockers rooms always end up smelling like feet?

The ball also spoke to The Bard, he has just returned from a two week vacation at Machu Picchu. He really enjoyed the energy of the place, but got into a ghostly scrap with the Mayan God Kukulcan , who said in a rather enigmatic way the following....I shall read it like a press statement to give it more gravitas.

Reuters spectral news. " Mayan God Kukulcan has predicted that in the year 2012 a terrible curse shall hit the world. The return of the planet Nibiru ( Google anon) will pass close to the earth on December 21st, nullifying the Earth's magnetic pull, and catapulting the earth into a full axis rotation. His parting words to the Bard were "The sons of man shall scream to the fires in the sky"

Basically in a nutshell, the world will tip off its axis, and the UK will end up in the position of Australia. Well, least the summers will be better eh!

Thanks Kukulcan for that cheery message of hope and fortitude. Nought strange as folk..

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Last month in Cliff Notes

I apologise for my absence. I have been on a journey, and the not type of journey that the BB housemates purportedly take.

This has been a harrowing month full of self discovery and enlightenment.

I can impart now the wisdom that my sojourn to the ethereal realms of consciousness have taught me.

Life is not easy, and was never meant to be, but we have to go along our path with our hearts wide open to feel the universal flow of all that our cosmos, and our own micro-cosmos have to offer.

There are no easy solutions, no elixir than can be drunk in the heady depths of time to null the soul from the emotion we call life. I am what I am, as you are what you are, and all we can do is walk our path with hope and integrity and hope that along the way we will see glimpses of peace and serenity.

Now, that being said lets get straight into the BB gossip. Firstly I must mention the really grim girl on girl snog that took place between Nicole and Sarah. Nicole, Rex's rather young and snobby girlfriend was over eager to play the old tonsil hockey with Sarah.........And Sarah.....The lady doth protest too much me thinks!!

I am also concerned about Rex and his overpowering, possessive and frankly scary treatment of Nicole. I mean the man has a quiff now, and he's so paranoid. Makes Ted Bundy look like a paragon for mental health!

Stuart aka Guy-liner boy managed to evade eviction. God knows how, hes as dull as a dishcloth from Asda.

Rachael I still really like. I don't think its possible to put on a front for that long. And Rex bullies her all the time. I would have shoved his Ginger quiff up his backside by this point.

Mikey cut all his hair off for the task, and has gone skinhead extreme. He looks like a rouge faction from the BNP. Darnell also cut off all his hair...It was the highlight of BB in my opinion. I also enjoyed watching the paint dry just as much.

Is anyone apart from me actually watching this drivel? Kat the cookie monster is just becoming like a spitting image puppet. I can see her now in puppet form stood next to Tony Blair's puppet singing " Happy Happy Country, Happy Country Happy Country".

Lisa I really like, she might fabricate things a tad, as in seeing aliens in her back garden, but I don't mind a bit of eccentricity. Good for the soul.

I haven't got much to say about Mo, hes totally non-descript, he might as well have stayed at home for 12 weeks and watched BB on TV, lying on the sofa farting, eating and never brushing his hair.

The hell/heaven divide has been ripped down and all the housemates are free to see each other. That means Nicole looking at Rex's belly button, and making a comment. And him then accusing her of sleeping with someone else! Those two are so annoying. if I want to see a couple arguing day in and day out. I can go home and see my parents for that!!

Dale was booted, and I was glad. he was a moron of huge proportions! Not much has really happened as you can tell.

I guess Rachael will be booted now as the piranhas will circle the weakest link. Who will win??

Answers on a postcard to:

BB Who will win competition

23 Who gives a rat's arse lane

Load of old Bolloxs

Shropshire

SH1 TTY

Big Brother's Big Lesbian:Heaven,Hell and Comas.

I have been in a boredom induced coma for the last week, it happened during an episode of BB. I slipped into this perpetual dream state coma and have only just awoken. The last thing I remember was hearing the words "Belinda, Belinda, Belinda".

So to recap the goings on I will put it into a Darnell type soliloquy.

Belinda was booted wearing a union jack skirt, that could have doubled for a wedding marquee. The house has been divided, and not into a Romeo and Juliet type way either, no Montague's and Capulet's here, just Heaven and Hell.

Bex was hanging on a rope dressed in a gorilla outfit for 4 minutes. Rex has been name dropping, Stuart thought he would meet the girl of his dreams. Cookie monster was given some really big pants to wear...aka Bridgette Jones...Cookie also threw up whilst eating a really big french baguette.

Luke is still hiding his obvious homosexual leanings. Dale is just there. Poor Mikey didn't get any chocolate as Darnell screwed up the food list, and Lisa finds her self in hell for the second week running.

See, you can slip into a coma and still manage to write whats been happening into a few short sentences. During my coma Shakespeare came to me and told me of all the wonders from the spiritual plane and tried to seduce me over. I was tempted, he sold it well to me. No mortgage, no rent, no bills, no soaring fuel prices, no love worries. I mean who wouldn't just want to hang around on a cloud talking to Plato about the philosophy of life!!

It seems as though the Philly cheese adverts are pretty spot on! I declined his offer at immortality, and decided that I like the pain and trauma of living. It's a sado-masochistic thing I think.

So with Dale new head of house this week I'm sure BB will be filled with moments of classical television viewing. I mean to see Rex scratching his balls and then sniffing his fingers was pure genius. Move over French and Saunders theres an Emmy going to BB.

I like Rachael, she seems to actually have a shred of integrity going on. I want her to win.

Now I'm out of this coma I will be blogging more regularly. I also found my lost soul, which is a bit of a relief.

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: New tottie in, old non-tottie out!

NEWSFLASH: Three new female housemates going in tonight!


As Jen or Rex await the BB door to hit them on the way out, BB has decided that they need to glam up the programme with two new stunning female contestants, and a Theatre Director, who the Sun quotes as " she's no looker"....so they haven't written much about her. Which I think is disgraceful. I am on the phone to Germaine Greer as we speak to talk over this outrage!


She concurs that looks should not be the impetuous for the rite of passage into the BB house.....I mean look at Tenko that was great TV, and not a hottie amongst them....I mean okay it was a POW camp, and I'm sure MAC makeup probably wasn't readily available for them. It was hard enough getting a bowl of rice!


Anyway, I have again digressed. One of the "stunning" housemates is well know from the LYNX adverts, Ive seen a heavily pixelated picture of her and she looks okay. I'm not a steak eating, brain dead, ruled by my pecker man though, so I'm no judge of looks.


Give me Nigella Lawson dressed only in an appropriately placed lobster and two saville oranges, and I melt. Show me a page three model, and I reach for the bard suppressing a huge yawn.

Walt Whitman wrote " I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world"(Goggle Anon)....I am finding myself doing that over the dullness of Big Brother. How very mundane to shove more housemates in. I am bored with the ones in there already.

The second "stunner" is an Australian Angelina Jolie look-a-likey. They are trying to give Stuart a playmate, instead of him always playing with himself!!

And, as discussed with Ms Greer, the third is a dowdy old theatre director whose not much to look at so why bother writing about her ( according to the Scum newspaper). I hope so goes in there and kicks some arse. What in the world a 40 year old career minded, obviously intelligent woman would want to go into that low life twat infested hell hole beggars belief......Could it be shameless self promotion for a new play....HMMMMMMM...Inquiring minds want to know.


On a rather maudlin note. It appears that I have misplaced my soul somewhere, and cannot seem to find it! I was thinking of selling it on EBay because I am desperate for cash, but it has gone. Vanished without a trace! Isn't it funny that we sometimes don't know what we have until we lose it, and when its gone, how we wished we had not taken it for granted for so long!


Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa!

TTFN


BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: The blind lead the blind:

So, what a weekend it has been in the BB house of horrors. Dennis of course got "removed" from the house for spitting at fellow housemate Mohamed. At this rate there will be no-one left in there. Dennis launched the now infamous "grotch-gate" and was questioned by Police for his actions.

I thought the police had too much to do in trying to cap a spiralling crime rate, the use of weapons on the streets in the hands of children, but I guess someone spitting in someones face is regarded as a good use of police time these days.

It reminds me of another scene from Life of Brian. A prisoner is hang up in his cell, when Brian is thrown in. The guard who has a stutter spits in Brian's face. The hanging prisoner yells " You lucky bastard, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face!"

Had I been Mohamed I might have used that line....its has far more comedic value than a grilling by the Borehamwood constabulary.

I am not condoning spitting in someones face...Its nasty. A good Friend of mine, who used to raise ferrets for a living, outside of Cheadle had a nasty experience with a llama that involved her ice cream and the llama letting loose a ton of llama spittle. It is lasered in my memory for ever and a day!

All these people being removed might be a blessing in disguise if I'm honest! The tedium keeps piling on night after night. To quote Franz Kafka (Google anon) " By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."

I am still passionately, fervently believing that this years BB will actually provide a little highlight, a nugget of inspiration that will evoke a nation to greatness!

Yes I know, the only inspiration in there is seeing how many times Stuart can look at himself in the mirrors on a daily basis. The last count, in one day was 1,467. Has that man got no shame in his narcotic personality? I am warming, okay wrong word, becoming tepidly amused by Kathreya, she at least has a bit of eccentricity.

I like a mad dogs and an Englishman, its what our country was built upon. George Mallory ( mountaineer, Google anon) was at high camp on Everest back in 1924, with no oxygen, even today seen a feat that defies logic. He would read to Shakespeare to his fellow tent mates at an exhilarating 27 thousand feet...the same height as a jumbo jet cruising altitude.

I would be worrying about dropping into a bloody coma, not reading Hamlet by a gas lamp. I can see it now his frostbitten little fingers deftly clasped around an edition of Macbeth. Its all so dreamy and eloquent isn't it.

What do we have now, BB and Mario scratching his back passage, and Darnell doing a rap on cookies. I despair at our lot in life now, its all so bleak and uninspired.

Back to the BB drudgery. They were given a task in sympathy with Michael, that they had to wear black goggles to know what it was like to be blind!

Weird I think, why couldn't they have shipped in Victoria Beckham so they would all have know what it was like to not possess a brain. The human toast rack!! Michael was overlooking proceeding, if you excuse the pun, and it had about as much impact as a life jacket on the Titanic. Stuart was the most perturbed, because he couldn't see himself for 5 hours. They have sent in a counsellor to help him through his trauma.

My spirit guide "Sam" who I share with Derek Acorah, has told me that Dale was spotted at the Chariots Spa in Streatham wearing a cock ring and escorted by a large hairy man called Simon, who was wearing leather open arsed chaps. According to Sam, Dale was seen through the steamy window in a role play session that involved a vicar, a monk and a Native American. It's all gone YMCA hasn't it?

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Who Goes..Mohamed or Sylvia? WHO CARES!

So BB-noughts it's Mohamed or Sylvia for the baptism by fire on Friday night. Trust me Ive been to a live eviction, its like a public stoning! It reminds me of the scene from Life of Brian.

The baying mobs all clumped together, rocks and bags of gravel at the ready! All we need is Davina dressed up like John Cleese and we would be set.

I can just see it now, the newly svelte Davina ( I hope she hasn't succumbed to the cucumber diet all the celebs are on! This involves eating an inch of cucumber every 72 days) Anyway, back to my rather redundant point...Davina saying in her hushed tones " Big Brother house, this is Davina...please do not...OK who threw that?? I said who threw that?"

For those of you now asking yourself what the blazes I'm talking about. Some of the crowd from the scene in Life Of Brian, couldn't hold back their excitement and stoned the victim before the whistle blew!!

How I wish BB was funny like Monty Python. I have not laughed once. Not even the sight of people sitting in a giant ashtray has parted so much as a chuckle from my beleaguered soul.

I knew a woman once who slept in a coffin, she said she wasn't a vampire slayer, just it was more snug and she slept better!! Apparently Truelove and Sons were selling coffins at a car-boot in Chorley and it was cheaper than an Ikea bed, so she bought it and has never looked back!

What does this have to do with BB I hear you wail. Nothing I retort, but bugger all goes on in that house so I have to tell you tidbits from my meandering mind. It was the ashtray that reminded me of that for some reason.

I am feeling distinctly soporific in regards to BB at present. It all about Stuart's eyelashes and narcissism, and the two love birds. Who smells a Saskia/Maxwell liaison forming? God there's nothing worse than watching too desperate sycophants puckering up for the sake of a tepid little interview with Heat Magazine dressed in white linen straddling a chaise lounge.

I would rather eat the testicles off a corpse than watch that. Talking of testicles, I have promised my straight male readers lots of lesbian sex tips and threesome advice. I have consulted my FaceBook porn star Friend and we will be doing BB sex tips for men in the next blog. She couldn't do it this week as she is currently starring in Seymour Butt's new film " Oklaboner"

I do need to talk about Kathreya aka Jeanette Krankie (Google anon) I cant make head nor tails of that woman. She wont be able to be in Darnell's Video cos shes "piggy pig pig"

The woman seems actually okay, but her speech forms are somewhat bizarre. I know shes from Thailand, as long as we don't have to see her legs a-kimbo chucking a ping pong ball out of her fangita to a target strapped to Mario's head then I think we can tolerate her eccentricity.

Kathreya at the Thailand School fete on the tombola stand.

At least shes a Buddhist, that will help with the desperate karma that BB contestants bring into Elstree under the guise of "just there to win the money", and not trying to elongate into a career in the media.

Shakespeare has had the last few days off due to a nasty incident with Marlowe. Marlowe was haunting a rather cosy little B @ B in Kent and stepped on the Bards toes a little. The Bard stormed out in a cosmic diva style tantrum and has gone to cool off. He will be back in the next blog with news about Dale!! And it is big!! Think Lycra, poppers and soft furnishings, and that's all I'm saying!

I know a cosmic diva who is suffering from a nasty case of anal orbs!! GET WELL SOON

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Send in the clowns.

NEWSFLASH: Mario scratching his nads. Gosh the excitment is too much to bear!

Stuart entered the house to a lukewarm reception at best. Stuart is a property developer from Manchester. WE all know what that means....He painted his friends living room back in 2003, so that counts on the resume.

Stuart obviously has Oedipus complex, and whats with the neck scarves? It all seems a bit Kenneth Williams to me. All BB need to do now is throw in Hattie Jacques in a nurses uniform and we will be set for Carry On Boring us half to death.

Incidentally, as a scientific experiment before BB started I had an I.Q test, and I gave in my Mensa card to the president, a woman called Hillary who lives in Guildford. Hillary has an I.Q of 240, and breeds long haired Afghan rabbits.

Anyway I digress slightly. My I.Q was retested 17 days into BB and it appears I now have the I.Q of a courgette. I blame Luke....his conspiracy theories are all too much for me. I like a good old conspiracy. Roswell, Area 51, Cliff Richard is a android, I can get down with that. But Luke's are too far fetched. He thinks if he talks like a Coronation Street character, he will win BB by default!

I need to vent my spleen about Lisa and Mario. Lisa I can deal with. She met Mario from eBay, she bought a crystal ball from him. She should have known, if she can gaze into the ethereal membrane and see into the future, surely she should have been able to spot that he was a prize knob!

Anyway, back to more pleasant musings. I spontaneously fell into a trance yesterday, and the bard came in. I was surprised to find that he was a little low of spirit. Philip Marlowe had been taunting him again, and if it hadn't been for Plato stepping in a brawl might have ensued. Bard told me that the other side are equally bored of BB, and they are planning on sending in a poltergeist to step things up a bit.

Now, that would be fun. BB the Exorcist....I can see it now, Rachel possessed by a demon in the luxury bedroom...if she could turn her head 360 degrees, I would indeed enjoy BB more. Rex could be the exorcist..."Be gone demon, Be gone". Rachel, who at this point is strapped to her bed, covered in snot and screaming " you're mother sucks kebabs in hell"....I will ask the bard to send in the poltergeist ASAP, it would be far more exciting.

My "date" with Nigella Lawson was an unmitigated disaster I sadly report. All was going swimmingly. We had got past the awkward silence part, and were moving smoothly into the " Are going to shag like Afghan Rabbits stage?" and then the subject of meringues came up. Nigella and I would never work. She likes to blast her meringues in a hot oven, whereas I like my cooked on a low heat for several hours. If you're incompatible, you're incompatible!!!

Anyway my BB lovers/haters. I will report from any ghostly sightings I see in the house. lets hope the Bard and Co send in a particularly virulent poltergeist with a grudge against reality TV

TTFN

BBBL

Big Brother's Big Lesbian: Big Brother's Big Bore!

Here we are again. A week into the BB social experiment, and I am finding my I.Q distressingly disabled.

I was agog ( Google anon) at the task, that involved licking crisps. I mean we've all been at the crisp licking stage in our lives. I recall a crisp licking moment in 1989 that involved a woman called Shirley and a four pack of strongbow cider..Its best left unsaid, as so many things are in my life.

So BB fans ( if there are any out there still) the same old homogenized types are in the house. The obligatory big mouth, the IT girl, the poor man's Rambo, and the others that are all too non-descript to warrant any discussion at all.

I will be refraining from using their names until someone steps up the the plate and says anything remotely witty or intelligent.

And where, oh where, are the lesbians this year? Why is the house always so devoid of A) Lesbians. B) Eye Candy. C) Anyone with anything interesting to say at all. I despair at the level of morose,moronic Muppet's in the house this year.

I was hoping, in my dotage, that BB would finally put in someone that would know what the word onomatopoeia means. I do like the man that is restricted of sight....must be a bonus for him, not being able to see in there!!

On a positive note, and I'm digging into the depth's of my soul here. I have been channelling the bard himself, that's Mr Shakespeare to all you non-thespians. The Bard assures me that the summer will start to liven up, and "thy hand will drip with the words of the excited fool".

He explained that BB is just a modern day version of a midsummer nights dream, and that wily puck will bring it all together. I did try to resist his obvious madness of being trapped in the ethereal layer for too many years, but he was highly insistent that this will be the Summer of our content.

I'm sure there will be times of great inspiration in the coming weeks. Crisp licking is just a taster of the fevered possibilities for us, the mere meek viewer. What next I ask the bard? Tortilla licking? Satsuma orifice plunging? Vimto Henna tattoos?

All will be revealed I'm sure in the coming weeks. I will leave you with an inspirational prediction from the Bard, for the weary of heart over BB.

" Thine eyes will be witness to a tempest rage, upon the ground of Elstree. Five men will seek the title, yet one women will seize the prize. The other, the pestilent goat ninny, will be evicted with thunderous roars, from the furious mob"

Cliff notes to this means: Its all going to kick off, the blokes will be smarmy and try to win, but a women will win this year, and some prat will be evicted to the biggest booing session in BB history. Hmmmmmm, anyone smelling a deja vu here?

Ta Ta for now....next blog a riveting interview with Nigella Lawson, who gets her kit off whilst making an incredible lamb kofta dish.

BBBL

Rhona Cameron: single mum – for a week

“I just felt such pure and utter love for all of them, I wanted to clean for them, to cook for them and to just see them happy,” says Rhona Cameron of her time spent looking after four children for a new Channel Five documentary series. She’s one of three celebrities picked to take on a parenting role in SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE A SINGLE PARENT! (airing Weds 9th January 8 pm).
Rhona gave DIVA her perspective on the experience...

“I found looking after the four children of the Robarts family to be a profoundly moving experience. I hadn't doubted that I would be good with the kids, but was very surprised to feel so maternal towards them.
I had always envisaged myself as a more paternal figure, but it turned out I was a mum for the week. Delighted that I had been placed with a family with three boys, aged five, eleven and fourteen that all play football or rugby, I was looking forward to a good kick about. However when I took them to their football training, I spent the entire time worrying about whether they had enough warm clothes on or not. By the middle of the week I felt like a different person, devoid of my usual neuroses, instead so busy caring for the children that I had little time to think of myself. The thing that meant the most to me was getting them to eat breakfast for the first time in years. They had lost their mother in 2002 and David, a wonderful father, had to give up his work and become a full time single parent. Although he would get up every day at 7.30 for the youngest, Felix, he would sleep through the older kids’ breakfast hour as they had to leave very early to catch the school bus. I think they didn't want to burden their dad with extra responsibilities and that broke my heart. I begged them to let me prepare breakfast for them and eventually they agreed. I could have cried when they left for school after eating the toast and tea I made them.
My favourite time was bathing the little one. We would play a game during which he would hold onto the bath and I would throw the towel over his head and dry his hair really quickly and vigorously. I would growl and this would make him laugh his little head off. I also took him to his swimming club which was really strange as I was a swimmer throughout my entire childhood, and my poor parents spent years in an overheated waiting area cheering me on. At one point during Felix's swim session I could have cried my eyes out. I had to steel myself a few times, as I didn't want to completely break down on camera. I just felt such pure and utter love for all of them, I wanted to clean for them, to cook for them and to just see them happy. Reading a bedtime story to a kid who is looking up at you with glee is about the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
On the last day when their father returned I cooked a big Sunday dinner, and Rosie the eldest child hugged me. We sat hugging for some time, and I realised how much she missed her mum.
It changed me enormously for that week - my maternal side suits me very much indeed.”

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Sian McClelland.

Phew, here we go again. All these women not enough time. Sian McClelland 24, Miss Gay East Anglia, is from Peterborough and works for the RAF.

Calm yourselves people, we all have a penchant for women in uniform. I had a huge crush on the Lollipop Lady at school. I used to feign asthma attacks on the zebra crossing to get some of her pastoral care. Well she used to kick me and say “get up you stupid twat”, but that is beside the point.

MGUBL: “Why did you enter Miss Gay UK?”

SIAN: “I wanted to be a positive role model for boys and girls. I feel I am good at expressing my feelings so thought I would get it a go.”


MGUBL: “What do you think was the one thing that got you into the final?”

SIAN: “I think it was generally my personality. I have a style and a confidence and am very individual. The heat took place all the way back in April so it’s hard to recall all that happened”

I remember April well. I was in Florida and can recall a close shave with a rather obtuse alligator that had chosen our villa pool as its waterhole. Lollipop Ladies and Alligators, who would have em eh!


MGUBL: “Where did the event take place?”

SIAN: “The Crown Inn in Peterborough. It is owned by a lovely lesbian couple!”


MGUBL: “Tell me about your job?”


SIAN: “I work for the RAF. I am an environmental health technician. We take care of all the forces members. I love my job”

MGUBL: “Who is your favourite lesbian icon?”

SIAN: “Definitely Ellen DeGeneres. I like that she is opinionated, and she is very black and white. What you see is what you get. I’m like that too.”

I fear for my lesbian status I really do. I cannot stand Ellen; yes, she has done wonders for the community, and is shagging Portia, possibly the hottest women on the planet. Okay I do not like her for that reason I admit it.


MGUBL: “Eastenders or Hollyoaks?”


SIAN: (Laughs,) “That’s a tough one. I will have to say Eastenders?”


MGUBL “Would you do Helen Mirren (Prime Suspect not Queen Era)?


SIAN: “Yes I would because she is out there and different?”


MGUBL: “What TV show would you like to appear on?”


SIAN: “One of those late night quizzes where my personality could shine through”


I spent almost £50 on one of those programmes. We had to fill in the word. It was a six-letter word beginning with W, after eighteen attempts at one pound per minute I got through. The host who was clearly hyperactive said “Your answer Kathy” I said "Wanker". It was wombat, I was close.

MGUBL: “What would you bring to the community if you won Miss Gay UK?”


SIAN: “I would bring my personality and my objectives on life. I am a good communicator and express my feelings well. I feel I take other peoples point of view really well and would be a good role model”

MGUBL: “Have you ever made a Christmas dinner?”


SIAN: “Yes I have the full works. I love to cook I think I am a good girlfriend but I have just been dumped. I am too soft I think. But you have to pick up your feet and get on with it”

Sian is free and single. Another incentive for you all to make the pilgrimage to Birmingham.

MGUBL: “What were you in a past life?”

SIAN: “Well I’m not sure, but I would like to hope that I was someone that was remembered.”


MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

SIAN: “Yes spiders, but being in the military you are not really meant to shown any weakness, so you have to suck it up”

MGUBL: “Do you have any special talents?”


SIAN: “I a professional street dancer. I break dance, and I play Hockey for England. I’m in the England squad”


That is impressive. I hated hockey after Michelle Hoyton smashed me in the mouth with her bloody hockey stick. I now have a phobia of hockey playing women called Michelle

MGUBL: “Are you going to win Miss Gay UK?”


SIAN: “I hope so. I would like to. It’s a learning curve anyway so I will just enjoy the night.”

Thanks to Sian for her warmth and sincerity. This woman cooks, so any single women out there looking for a real catch come to Brum and meet her.


Please support Miss Gay UK anyway you can. Leah and Nina deserve all of our praise for the immense task they have taken on. I will be accepting tequilas at the bar from 5pm onwards!

http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Kimberley Sanger.

So, we are into the last furlong before the Miss Gay UK final, taking place in Birmingham this Friday.

Kimberley Sanger, a mere whippersnapper at 18, is the latest soldier to the Interview battlefield. Pat Benatar proclaims that love is a battlefield; I would like to ask Ms Benatar to attend the final, to see that ambition is a battlefield.

I will be accompanied to the final by my nearest and dearest, and they will all be desperate for alcohol, so if anyone wants to buy them a drink….I say, please do, it will save me at least £100.

Kimberley is from the sexy region of Swindon. I had a drunken liaison in Swindon with a married woman called Saskia, so I have nostalgic feelings about the entire county of Wiltshire.

MGUBL: “Why did you enter Miss Gay UK, and how does it feel to be stepping in for the winner?” (Shixin, who won the final, cannot make it now, so 4th place winner Kimberley has picked up the London torch)


KIMBERLEY: “I feel really proud to be representing London, the gay capital of the UK. It’s the biggest honour”


MGUBL: “The London heats were tough. Did you have a special talent to show off?”


KIMBERLEY: “Not really. I have my own special talents. I can cut my own Hair, and everybody else’s. I feel I have small unique talents”

God I need my hair done before the final. My stylist, Edwina, has gone to a health spa for colonic irrigation. Selfish cow!


MGUBL: “Tell me about your job?”

KIMBERLEY: “I am a part-time DJ for a gay venue in Swindon, and I am also a credit controller for Dolby!”


MGUBL: “Who is you’re favourite lesbian icon?”


KIMBERLEY: “Oh that’s got to be Beth Ditto, she fab. She gets naked and gyrates on her microphone stand on stage. I think she’s amazing”

MGUBL: “Talking of naked…I saw you’re Beaver in Diva. How was that photo shoot?”

KIMBERLEY (laughs,) “It was brilliant. It as a nerve-wracking experience. I forgot my robe, so they lent me one that was way too small, it did not even cover my arse. I really enjoyed it. I mean Diva asked so I couldn’t say no could I?”

For all of those leafing quickly through the latest Diva in eager anticipation turn to page 42.

MGUBL: “Do you believe in serendipity and the constant flow of the universe?”


KIMBERLEY: (Laughs,) “Sorry what?”

MGUBL “Fate, you must believe in fate, as it brought you to the Miss Gay UK Final after all?”

KIMBERLEY: “Yes, I do believe in fate?”

MGUBL: “Would you do Kelly Brooke?”


KIMBERLEY: “I have to say I wouldn’t, it’s a personality thing for me, and I would decline”

I would not kick her out of bed for eating cream crackers I can tell you…

MGUBL: “Strictly come dancing or Cirque De Celebrite?”

KIMBERLEY: “Got to be strictly come dancing. I haven’t seen the other one, is it good?”

MGUBL: “No its shite. If you like ex big brother housemates straddling a high wire whilst Ruby Wax has some psychotic episode in the ring wearing a bizarre costume, then it might be for you.”

MGUBL: “What would you bring to the community if you won Miss Gay UK?”

KIMBERLEY: “I think I would try and make being gay more acceptable. The community is too segregated. I would like to make more places gay friendly, so it begins to be classified as normal. Because it is normal to be gay!”

MGUBL: “What were you in a past life?”

KIMBERLEY: “Oh my god I was definitely a man. I think like a man, and I have the brain of a man.”


MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

KIMBERLEY: “Yes, butterflies, oh I hate butterflies. I would rather sit in a bath full of snakes than have a butterfly near me”

MGUBL: “Are you going to win Miss Gay UK?”

KIMBERLEY: “I am (laughs). I would really like to win as I feel I can do really big things for Miss Gay UK. I do hope I win”

Thanks to Kimberley for a great interview. For all of you that are humming and hawing about going to Brum, let me leave this little adage for you.

Life is too short, and there will be wall-to-wall women…


Please support Miss Gay UK anyway, you can. Leah and Nina who are the organisers have been working flat out to make this a great competition.

http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/

Miss Gay UK: Interview with Leah McCullough.

I have been thinking about the universe in the last couple of days. The ebb and flow of human nature, the push and pull of our disquieted lives and came to the following conclusion.

Living in Provence with Nigella would certainly have it pitfalls. I mean yes to wake up alongside the culinary Adonis would be a bonus, but then what if this dream were in fact not what we expect or want it to be?? Maybe Yvette Fielding is more my type?

I mean knocking about an old castle at 3am waiting to be possessed by the ghost of Gwendolyn; a 13th century whore is far more appealing. I offer myself up to be possessed, with Yvette mopping my fevered brow….all she would have to do would be to ditch that full length puffer jacket! I have a phobia of puffer jackets.

Anyway, back to reality and a rather endearing interview with Leah McCullough from Belfast. I am partial to a Northern Irish accent; it could melt me like butter in the slap of a word. Being 32, Leah feels that she has wisdom to share. She also could possibly be a Romany Gypsy in a past incarnation, who we can affectionately call Gypsy Rose Leah.

MGUBL: “Why did you enter Miss Gay UK?”


LEAH: “I saw a poster and I thought I can be Miss Gay UK, it’s like a gay Miss Congeniality, and I love that movie. I was G+T’d up and I thought well I’m gay and I’m from the UK so I’m qualified to enter”

At this point I am all ready smitten with her accent! It is charming.


MGUBL: “What venue was it held at?”


LEAH: “It was held in Belfast at a pub called DuBarry’s. There were 14 contestants and it was a right laugh. We all laughed at lot. I was the granny of the bunch, you know being 32, but I thought ah well I’ve a brass neck on me, so go for it”

For all of us not aware with the Irish colloquialism 'a Brass Neck On me' it means…..she’s got a really big pair of bollocks and isn’t afraid to use em…


MGUBL: “Can you make homemade soda bread?”

LEAH: “Oh my god I can, I fucking can. I make potato bread actually, and I have a couple of secret weapons that I put in there. My friends are banging on my door on a Saturday to get there hands on my bread!”

(My friends are banging on the door to get there hands on my baps, but that’s another story)

MGUBL: “What would you do if you won Miss Gay UK…and how would it change you?”


LEAH: “I don’t think anything could change me, good luck with that (laughs). I think it would enhance my life and my personality, and open doors for me. If I did win I would use my wisdom and make the word lesbian more acceptable. I’d do it with integrity and a pinch of style.”

MGUBL: “How’s the gay scene over in Ireland?”

LEAH: “Improving and we have to thank the older lesbians for that. They have nurtured the gay scene and we can now reap the benefits. The lesbians who are now in there 40’s and 50’s are the ones to thank. Having said that there are no women only bars in Belfast, DuBarrys welcome lesbians with open arms though”.

MGUBL: “I’ve heard that the Irish make fantastic lovers. Can you confirm or deny these allegations?”


LEAH: (Laughs,) “I can neither confirm nor deny, but of course, I can confirm that my fiancé of almost 8 years is fantastic.”

MGUBL: “Have you ever met the Nolan’s?”

LEAH: “Oh my god, yes, I swear to fuck I met Bernie. She was in a pub and had been on loose women talking about giving up smoking, and there she was smoking like 40 tabs one after the other. We went up and said it is cool to see you and you are a liar. She was lovely spent time talking to us.”


MGUBL: “Who would be your ideal woman to have a date with?”

LEAH: “Okay this is fantasy date right? Then it would have to be Annie Lennox. She is strong and can belt out a tune. I’d cook and clean for her (laughs) the word cool doesn’t even come close to encapsulating who she is.”

MGUBL: “What do you think the lesbian community needs to change?”

LEAH: “In think it’s a bit of an inner circle, very insular. I can accuse myself of the same thing. Its small community but needs to be more vocal. We need to gay up the world, so that in future generations it will be more acceptable. I have brilliant family who are really proud of who I am.”

MGUBL: “James Joyce or WB Yeats?”

LEAH: “Oh you’re an evil woman. I am going to have to say both. Make a poet sandwich of them both.”

MGUBL: “Do you have any phobias?”

LEAH: “Oh my god how long have you got? Cockroaches and flying cockroaches. Oh and brass bands, I literally crumple into a heap when I hear a brass band…crawling I am on hands and knees. Yes and Swing chairs at the funfair, there’s something so wrong about those!”

I thought my list of phobias was extensive!

MGUBL: “What will be you’re killer tactic for the final?”

LEAH: “I’m going to try and make everyone laugh. I love to see people laughing. I am a right idiot I must say. Therefore, if I make people laugh then I have achieved something. I’ve got twenty friends coming over with me, and they are loud, so you will definitely hear them.”

MGUBL: “If you won what would you do with you’re title?”

LEAH: “I would promote myself and big up my profile so I could make a positive change to gay people. My girlfriend had a dream that I ended up on the L Word, but I wasn’t allowed to kiss Shane or Pappi.”

Am I the only lesbian on the planet who just does not get the Shane thing? I mean she looks like my nephew for Christ’s sake!

MGUBL: “Choose between Winona Ryder and Julia Roberts?”

LEAH: “Julia Roberts If I had to. I mean Winona ruined little women for me, it was all so wrong, and then the whole shoplifting scandal, so Julia. But don’t you think Julia Roberts has too many teeth, she has like 30 teeth on the top set alone!”

At this point, I tell Leah that I own a free Winona t-shirt and that I might have to bring it to Birmingham. Winona was not shoplifting exactly, but the Percadin had made her forget to pay for the luxury items….can happen to us all!

MGUBL: “What would you have been in a past life?”

LEAH: “Oh god, I’m all into this stuff. I think I was definitely a Romany Gypsy. I often get a sense of Déjà vu. I often get a sense of Déjà vu. So definitely a Romany Gypsy”

My warm thanks go out to Leah, who had me in stitches. I am looking forward to meeting the gang of twenty Irish women in Birmingham. They are also going to buy me tequila! I have ordered the ambulance and stomach pump in advance.

Please support Miss Gay UK anyway, you can.

http://www.missgayuk.co.uk/